Category: Kitchen

Kitchen

visiting

I drove into my driveway last night. The grey stoned gravel sprinkled with fresh weeds attmpting to get by my husbands watchful eye sounded my arrival.

You always know when someone is visiting when you have a gravel driveway. comforting sound.

I stepped out of my gun metal audi wearing a sweaty workout outfit. Blue leggings I had finally found after their two month hiding stint in someones room and a blank tank with na green tree and with the Hebrew letters.

I had just finished my second self defence class with JD. An olympian martial arts instructor that also happens to drive a q7 audi…but in white.

As I closed my care door the stronge smell of burnt popcorn filled my nostrils. The venetian blinds on the front window were revealed that the actual windows were slid open and a smile began to cross my face.

Someone other than me burnt popcorn.

I was entering into a house of smoke and there was a fan place strategically in the main entrance trying to dissipate the smell.

The funny thing about smoke is how it never really is dissipates. You can smell it days after. on a towel, on the couch….smoke sticks to things.

That is how energy is…it sticks and the darker and thicker it is the more it sticks. Dark energy doesn’t dissipate easily. it needs time and it needs washing and we need to acknowledge that- like smoke- energy can hide in places wishing our own selves..

Clearing energy like clearing smoke…requiers persistance and anyone in a house can burn somethign and create it or can come home and bring it in…

Kitchen

now what

i created a method
I tested the method
I developed the method
I trained people n the method
I trained instructors in the movement
I wrote a book about the reason for the method.
I wrote a play usng the method of joy to create content.
I made a retreat and taught female Doctors about the idea
I have Have a space
I have a website
I have MYSELF

I am a performance artist
and I know why and how I am.

I am dong stand up classes
I am creating a new piece
Boobs Butts and BOTOX

Whats the difference between botox and Lobotomies
Nothing

numbing the nerves is a thing
at a time like ths

Kitchen

to all the girls i have loved before

I break up with women often. I try and remember where it started. Who was my first break up and why? Maybe it was Jennifer at Camp Robndale. I remember we went as friends and left not really talking or something horrible like I joined the mean kids and picked on her-

I remember in junior high, I was not very loving to people. I didn’t know that but I was popular and so i must have had my moments and i was told i was snobby. or so they say.

In high school I broke up with Sofi.
I think t was because she was dating a kid and we didn’t like it so we stopped talking to her. I guess that was my first official break up.

In college My roommate GWEN who got drunk and tried to beat me up. We broke up
In London my record was clean
In NY my college sorority sister Marcy and I lived together and then broke up
I was trained by Terri and we broke up
I had kids and Amy and I broke up
And in Miami, the list is so long
kara bc of pancakes
Jodi regarding bibbitec
Melissa and
Michelle re the what if
Katherine re the Bettie and bunny
Nika re an email
Dana re my retreat
Christina re misrepresentation

In a span of 47 years that seems about right.
I have also had deep female friendships with dozens women that have lasted since 3rd grade, 7th grade, new moms, new artist friends….I have had many more relationships with women work than not. I have many friends and I make them often and I try and tend to them as best I can but some will go into hibernation and thats part of being.

Susie

Kitchen

ending friendships are important

if i am your friend…if i let you take a seat at my internal caldron…it is forever …unless it isn’t. Knowing oneself has been my last decades goal but has been a part of my experience of life since I read Richard S. Bach’s Johnathan Livingston seagull.

Time is not linear and it is frayed and it has, at times, a shelf life. Lifetimes of friendships can end. I have many loses in this arena. Women change roles so often in life it doesn’t seem off that friendships with women do too.

The year of quarantine has left me with many more deep connections and many less shallow ones.

one less today.

it has been dwindling for a couple of years…hit the wall but i refused to fully feel it. I adore her and yet I realize that if she thinks this of me now she has always felt this way in my presence and that makes me sad but also makes me want to just table the relationship.

but she has been a great dear friend of mine. In many ways and for many years but our roads are crossing too closely or perhaps not close at all. regardless…i make space

i say nothing with love and only not thinking…from her eyes, and it is responded to towards me with nothing -for us to gain from just pain and accusations and labels… there are waves i am in the current of and no matter that i am not the wave the VIEWER sees what it sees. I am one with the wave and thus i am the wave and in that i crash into HER.

When someone’s impression of you remains the same while you try to adjust around it is because you yourself can not adjust anymore..the time has come…the lifetime of the friendship has yielded her kind hand and so it is with grace and a tinge of resolution that i say goodbye- yet again and make room and space for another sister to warm my heart

love Susie

The funny thing is that the items in question are 100% based on her lack of understanding my context.
She doesn’t know my grandfather met my grandother by making his friend hit the car in front so he could JUMP out and introduce himself to my grandmother. She was dressed in her riding clothes and he was moved to meet her. I find those actions adorable and romantic and refreshing…

The LOVES in my life manifest with all races and beliefs and sexes.
I love people who are creative and sexy and interesting to me. i am a creative elistist

Susie

Kitchen

Like you always do

nothing really changes when you surround yourself with the same people. Their perception of you is locked in and difficult to change and the energy they help you maintain is then brought out into the world. It can hijack all you are building on another plain. It is a magic trick; it is a wrestling match it is a fight for your new you and it is not in a fun light easy thing. If it is easy it isn’t happening…you are simply side stepping.

Three times is too many. I have bells, they go off when I am in a danger zone, when I am walking down a path, I know has MINES….i hear them…I second guess them and then there is always a third one that burns my finger that will cause me to about face.

I had that ….another lover who gets too close for comfort and pulls lightly on a rug. First a tug, then a mistaken trip and then…like ALWAYS…the loud and clear clanging of the table wear falling to the ground.

DONE

I will once again exit a story. kindly and with grace.

I am once again not interested in risking feeling USED by another creative. I DO NOT enjoy it…or maybe I do?

..but I have to release that.

From this moment on I vow to NEVER co create with another female DIVE. I am the QUEEN B and I am not interested in pretending I want of desire a partner.

I am the one lying after all then…pretending…I want to play…

I have needed this LAST lesson…I have had to address it as this would have been the person that would align with me with mission but in the end…it is JUST LIKE LAST TIME.

A scorpion stings…its her nature…even if she does it followed by a hug.

I am not tricky enough to USE people for too long…. but oh how I feel used and so I must be…and goodbye goodbye and thank you.

I am over that. I said my peace….she knows my truth and all I can say is

I want for you what you want for you.

S

Kitchen

getting BUCKED

I have this thing where I get bucked out of my role not just by myself but also by others. It feels like shit and I hate it and then…a few moments or days later I freaking LOVE it.

no clue

no idea

I try and cling to branches that I know..

.weak ones…

they crack

thank goodness.

I resit putting my feet down… I try and extend the flight…a little longer.

ill touch down…soon, i assume…Ill touch down and place my feet upon the ground

and dance as i silk to the groove of the jilt

I am feeling it too. knowing that time is shortly here. youll understand me fully but that fact will kill me truly.

I’ll awake as a new version and this one that is typing will be done..

Till then I will enjoy and softly ill explore.

breath

breath

breath

Kitchen

My DANCE

before we communicated through word

we communicated with movement.

Movement was your first language

listen to your body

take it to nature

allow yourself to commune

Nature is healing

your body knows it

well

allow yourself to listen…with your body.

through stillness at first and then

allow your body to move from there

and start to know thyself

Kitchen

property of creative ideas

searching searching searching
photo of me trespassing a neighbors house I am in LOVE with

for so long I have held my ideas to my chest but lately i am pushing them out. I think this is healthy but then I find my own ideas and words in other peoples mouths and in their art and in their grants and I wonder how they became there.

  1. we are all in the same creative chat room
  2. I sell them well and others buy the idea as theirs
  3. people mine me for creativity

I feel the 3rd one is more aprapo.

I am not interested in being mined

MINE

I shall limit entrance and close down my paths to outsiders

I feel betrayed and yet I welcomed them in

Is it possible to be creativly RAPED

I think yes

and by a loved one you know

I think yes

and what to do

we are all taken advantage of

we are all wanting to TRUST

and be honest

but are we?

I say no

I say we are all at the base line assholes trying to be better

but if you don’t think you are an asshole.

I am wary of you

you will act without awareness

No doubt.

and in that action I will become keenly aware

of just what kind of Asshole you are and I

I WILL

love you

but

my creative mine

is

MINE

my secret sauce my conversations

with source

i am not afaid

or care if you take

I am an endless river of juice

that sqeezes from my veins

if you just ask

i release and

in that you breath

you inhale

become

a version of ME

and so

BE IT

joyful loving kind word.

be it all

SKT

Kitchen

I bleed into you- Still


Hard to keep my grounding. I begin – i motivate myself. I inspire myself and then I say hEY- come play and you do and then you change the rules and I think..well this once and then twice and then I am not inspired or motivated at all. My game I created has been usurped by your game you made of my thing.

And yes, you told me about the game, yes you showed me the game but I made it mine before I made it ours and WHY WHY when you begin to play. Anything that I have learned to PLEASE in the past begins to play do I become APEASING.

I am so over it…I must work only with the women? STILL? WHY?

Can i not hold my ground in a conversation with an ALPHA male…oh KAMALA teach me how you look and with what words you sway.. SWAY

I have no desire to sway. I am truly only interested in…GOOGLE SEARCH FOR A WHIP

I FOUND ONE

Part of a circus tamer costume…description. Learn to tame the circus…tame the circus…tame the circus.

I purchase the costume…Wihip is not included. I add it…Honey-bear finds a discount…I purchase it…for Halloween.

next role

No for my work in my room on myself…A circus tamer.

I am still trying to do what I started to do 20 years ago..

SPEAK- STATUE-SPEAK

Lead with love and kindness

BUT MTFKER.LEAD

A whip.

It is part of the conversation.

Leading with lightness with authority and as my housekeeper wise woman mentions- with a little fear..

I haven’t added that ingredient in correctly. I put it on first and I can’t hold it front in center but if it is added…a side held WHIP of a WARNING

I’ll play.

I will be part of the game.

I will own the rule book and the punishment for the missteps.

I trust myself to be kind when possible and to be stern when needed.

A whip/

i await you

Kitchen

If I presented my case with a smile

The pain of the situation. Or the fact that the birthing being is not the head of her society at the moment.

The fact that the birthing is a mechanical job a LABOR requirment meant only for one type of being.

A choice but only for HER.

HE has NO Choice. He has no choice if HE births a baby. He will never ever ever birth a baby unless he becomes a SHE and perhaps then…magic and science will allow this new being to birth.

But till that time the time we have now is that

The Birthing Labor is a third class citizen. Below the machine and the men that need not stop in their track when A child is born. We have warped the world by asking men to become mothering.

As my Rabbi once warned

It is always CHRISTMAS VACATION bc if they change it to anything less polarizing you will come to think you are part of the majority.

And so by lassoing the men to our bedside we have aligned with them and not VISA VERSA…we are the men..now too…birthing and not birthing.

We sexualize ourselves

We charge ourselves through that sexualization

We fear not being sexually valid

And we file suit when we arrive there

on either side

Yet that is when I suppose and have become viscerally aware. That is truly when women are free.

Free to NOT be men. Free to not be in LABOR…Free to NOT be a birthing being…

It is a fascinating play we have written OURSELVES into.

The hero who becomes the villian to become the hero of WHAT.

What have we actually freed ourselves from?

I am finding that earth requires responsibilities. But too many taxes the system and shuts our purpose down.

This epidemic has re-quited us. Peeled away the bullshit. Re-set the goal lines and we are now squinting to see what that new goal exactly is.

Is it anything…at all

Have we denounced goals yet?

Have we realized that our conversation is out…not right our left.

Have we felt a glimpse of nature in our being…