the lull before the

Structural tension…without coffee lasts twice as long…

I tend not to buck or yell or break the silence…I am sitting here…waiting…waiting for Nedra to take the notes from all the people that read the play and build a clearer opening and closing.

We have 2/3 of the piece done and that all is fine…I haven’t started to memorize I don’t have my egg or my sound or my lighting…or my other costumes exactly but…I am feeling like…feeling like…once I get to LA get in the room with Nedra we will create a piece that is going to KNOCK
our socks off…

I think I have forgotten myself entirely..forgotten the point of this…forgotten why I am even doing this and the passion has sort of shifted into a current…like I am in a current and I am just allowing things to happen and it is a trust thing and a newer thing…and I am off coffee like I said and things are SLOW like MOLASSES and I am BORED but is only temporary…I totally don’t know how to relax…I don’t know how to just be ok with doing nothing but then I do…like an exhausted dog catch my breath …but lately….I am detoxing…detoxing from foods I found I am allergic to… and in that…I am internally shifting…

I just finished an aloe cleanse and now I am starting something that is called SP CLEANSE and just allowing myself to follow my body.

I miss my room I rent…I haven’t been there..I was working with circus people but tomorrow I will go there I think…why am I so tired…I am just so out of it..

I feel pre exhausted…Like I am building up for the show that will for sure be truly exhausting…I am excited ..I am scared out of my wits but not that scared…I am subdued in a way…

I am awaiting my travels this summer…I am aware I have no clothes…I need to get a sense of myself and myself isn’t being a great friend…I have become boring and disconnected from others and very very selfish and self focuses and feel like…I hate it…I hate working on my stuff and being all about me but I also know it is important and soon will feel totally normal and I will be able to place my legs under my shoulders again.

I have a structure for my circus dance at the start of the show…I hope to have my egg costume …tomorrow…who knows…all is going well…but really…who knows and who cares but for a little pin in the wall that said…been there done that.

Love susie

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