Tag: theater

Kitchen

Edinburgh Festival Fringe 2019- and Jewbana

I arrived here with my family on the 5th of August. we picked up Nedra at the hotel she stayed the night in ( she arrived a day early) and we then drove on the opposite side of the road to our home..away from home and yet…it feels so much like home so quickly.

We rented an air b and b in Tranent…about a 25 min ride outside of Edinburgh. it is a home it is comfy it has a great kitchen and lots of rooms and bathrooms and the town is adorable and not too old town…very modern and hip.

We rehearsed int the house on the 6th and the 7th…about 10 hours in total. getting Nedra and I up to speed on where the show was. Nedra grabbed what we had done in Miami and with the song addition of IF YOU KNEW SUSIE and added in the burlesque moves for the transitions which was where the show kept falling flat.

I found my lines ( mostly;) We have changed the script so many times and I have added in so many that it was a bit hard to add int he new parts for heather and JIM. ( not his real name)

then on the 8th we had a tech rehearsal but we had to get the theater s few copies of the script. We had a little bit of an issue with this and I was getting on edge and then Nedra asked for coffee while we were late and that kind of book ethe camels back and we got into a fight.

It lasted only a few minutes and the work pulled us past ourselves.

She did an amazing job and Steve ended up buying her a coffee and just being a total gem.

then Steve took over the flying and postering lead. He met with Nick at the SPACE and got a game plan. He then picked us up and we went home and got the boys and then got ready for the show that night.

They flyer for 2 hours and I had 5 people the first night and 15 the second ( around that) and then tonight I had three.

they reduced the flying to 1 hour before the show but…We shall see.

Yesterday we actually had a photo shoot from 12-2. in the church and the theater lobby at the space. WE got kicked ut of the theater and then had some great photos taken by a photographer my press agent got me.

He was talented and I suspect the shots will be very good – egg inferno too Jesus…Heather a the alter in Roller blades and Jim in a guy outfit as well as Nedra and I at the space in the lobby and me in the outfit from the show eating the pie and stretching on the railing..

The second night the audience was amazing and kind and I was enjoying myself a lot. Tonight it was intimate and I ran the show as best I have…I have 12 more performances ..needless to say it will get better and better.

I hope the boys have the script and the technicians know how to call the show and that all goes well.

I am proud in a humbling way of the work I have done on this show. I have produced, written, stared and feel fully committed and seen and like I have left nothing on the table.

I am drenched at the end of the show. I am tired I am exhausted and it runs a good 45 minutes..it is a fun show…people in the audience smile…one guy looked at his watch but that’s something I have to accept and understand… I love my work…

Nedra is leaving tomorrow…I am sad about it…I am going to be ok…Maria is coming in a few days and then Christina and they will be super helpful…

Steve …and the boys….I could cry just thinking about it…have been so kind and loving….Jeadon was a little sad about not staying till the end of camp but them last night we talked and he was able to get over it..or maybe it was that camp ended for everyone and there is nothing to be sad about now…

They have been flying and helping and Steve…I think…there is something about this play and him helping and driving everywhere ( on the wrong side of the road) that has been so sexy and helpful and just totally affirming…

the feeling I have now is AIR…space…nothing…

I have fed a giant within me…I ma doing a one woman show and I am loving it…I am fully DOING it…all of it…and it is such a powerful freeing feeling to do…I am sure others who have done this know what I am talking about but to those that are thinking of doing it…wondering if it will really mean THAT much …change your understanding of self THAT much…well…YES…so far..yes..

I was terrified to do my first run at the soho house in their gym space while it was being refurbished and then again I was like WHAT…at the Miami Light box and now…Now I see here in Edinburgh I am ding it and it is becoming …something I do…like a gig…like a job…

I suspect we will go in early on Monday and see more plays and then from there I will be able to flyer and then into the show….althougth it has been nice staying home till about 5..

today we went to eat at a place Nedra’s friend ( who I know as well) told us about called THE ROOST. Her friends cousin owns it.

it was yummy..

Tomorrow Steve is taking Nedra to the Airport and then gig to see a famous gold course and then we are all gong to go to a hike he saw…outside of the city.

Monday I have the opportunity to perform on a stage and do a little snip of the show…I am excited about it /terrified but like not really..

Par too this is like I am going through something I have already gone through..like oh yeah..I know this…I feel it may be like this because I have been meant to do this for so long now…

Steve is smiling when he looks at me…he sees me happy and content in a massive way..

I am going to bed…It is 1:23 am

I love my life…

I love it all…..each space between the morsels of it…

xoxoxo

SUSIE

Kitchen

a year and a half without my implants….and I have almost forgotten….

who I was with them. That is another meaning of F in S.U.R.F. – I really do forget and it is a good thing…it is a wonderful skill to forget once you have processed….it is a helpful gift that working things really out OUT gives me.

Residue of past roles..exist in us…it is proving to be the reality in my new play as I tap into old stories from my new and improved point of view..there was still residue…with the other people and in this play I suspect there will be more.

Who we are…in this lifetime… changes..often…and more often if you buy a ticket….to the never-ending solor system that is within you.

I have always been self obsessed, from a Doctor point of view. I am amazed at how any person moves through this life and since I am the closest person I know., I have shifted that curiosity to myself 100%. I don’t try too hard to understand why other people do what they do…I try to understand what I am doing and why…

I have become clear and can even understand who I am when I am off center..I can say…oh…this is off center because…guess what? I have felt center every one in a while…..here and there and for longer and longer amounts of times…days and even weeks…so I know who susie Susie is…and I also know who she is in a myriad of situations…while she is off center…

Being able to know thyself is the first step to being true to her. I feel like at this age…45…I am who I am….I am kind to her even when she is mean…I am loving to her even when she is angry and I am patient with her even when she is scared…

I have become my own lover and best friend and in that I have allowed my neediness of other people’s evaluation of me to dwindle. This self awareness work make me less selfish..when I am needed or around others because I am usually so over my stuff I am happy to become involved in others…when needed.

I am myself…and tomorrow I will be an older version of her and so on and so on…I am proud fo her…and her bravery of letting go of things that gave her power…things she falsely prayed to like saline filled boobies and frozen brows…

I may falter later on in life…I may fall back to wanting to be young externally forever but eventually…and logically I realized I will have to cross over into the next wise woman phase one day and why not get a head start with a happy heart?

being older and wiser as a woman can be sexy..right?…. Sexy .in a “you wish you understood what I have viscerally learned”…way.

Kitchen

LIES I tell myself

finding your own lies is fun. it undoes you. it teaches you again who you are NOT and in that you can be a little closer to who you are…right now….

I have had a Fraxel peel. I have decided to do this to help perhaps prevent more Basel cells…or perhaps because I am vain or perhaps because my industry can be harsh and perhaps because I am growing old…ER.

I have a Fraxel peel and removed scars and sun damage and a thin layer of skin and in that…I was in the Derm office and back in the beauty conversation again and in that…in that…I owned my present self

My present self is dealing with death. She is dancing with her in my lines….in how I am seen through the eyes of others and how much ticking time in my backward counting calendar I have still

I am gong backwards in my life I have found…back and back and back to what…to a time where I was young and free and untainted and then what…

What happens when I get there…. I still have wrinkles….I still have expressive lines and so I try again to remove those and I slip…I watch myself slipping…down the rabbit hole of beauty unattained…into a world of frozen expression and I pray it doesn’t work

that the dab or release is not enough to undue my hard-earned lines because even tough they are difficult to look at on a screen…I doubt I’ll be on that massive screen…but on a stage…they are good for communicating to the last row…this is truth…I am not strong enough in so many ways to keep myself from myself…

I hope this TUESDAY is the last time I visit the Derm…but it won’t be…I will waddle the LINE line for ever…somedays I will love my face and all I have it saying and some days I will not and ask for relief in a needle or a laser and that is my dance…in duplicity in owning myself and my inability to be extreme anymore.

I am nothing…neither here or there…I am nothing…I can’t make strong decisions because in that strong decision I become judgmental…I undue myself often and always

That is the joy, the lesson I get from acting…undoing who I am ..un doing what I believe…questioning my campus…and then
as this point…asking for assistance…

Someone to be an administrative person so I can continue to be the artist…an assistant …a smart organized person who has no desire to be onstage…who enjoys the details and the perfection of spelling and paragraphs and
grammar…a person who cares about these things. These rules…

a kind, organized, self-motivated, smart person who is accountable…to themselves and then to me.

I am interested in getting help…but not the help most people think I need…I am getting help to be more myself. In the sky with diamonds…and I am grateful I can ask for it.
s

Kitchen

Goodbye….PLAY…

A play has always been a sad goodbye…but last night for the first time I was more happy than sad. I knew what I needed to do to maintain this feeling of connection and I was in a place to do it. I was preaching empty words…I was truly acknowledging that the reason I feel disconnected from the actors community is that I left it…as soon as the play was over as though…if I am not in a play I shouldn’t need to be around actors that much but what I have learned is that
Miami has a beautiful theater community built by the schools that are here and the feeling is super kind and loving among the actors for the most part..
It is a comrodery that is you treat it with good will it gives back to you with a truest sense of belonging but I think I felt I was…not truly among them… faker..not talented enough not consistent enough and not participatory enough…but now I see I can be more of those and I am a value and I desire to be part of this Miami World.
I have tried but I think I found a sweet spot and the right angle…just be me and do something small and take along a few kind hearted lovers and see what happens…Getting mad because I didn’t get a grant or a part is so old susie…I can just keep moving forward and doing the work and take what I get when it comes and create when I feel inspired…

Last night an old actor walked into my room while I was doing my last piece and his face was sad…no idea why just sad and it affected my piece and it was fascinating because the type of theater I am doing is truly affected by the people in the room and it is not that we are building and presenting we are offering and collaborating…

Immersive theater is amazing

s

Kitchen

Hello….Miami Motel Stories

THe other night a group of about 30 plus THEATER PEOPLE gathered at a delapitated soon to be remodeled MOTEL on Biscayne Blvd in Miami FLorida.

We were meeting and greeting about a new production that Juggernut is doing and I was in awe of it all.

IT is a huge production with original concepts and scripts and an array of actors that just blew my mind..

I was not excited nor bored I was peaceful I was HOME and in that I realized that sometimes you have to leave everything you know at the door and enter through the kitchen and smell the seasonings to ever really truly love love love your life.

I was one of the oldest people in the room but I was beyond thankful…One actor I had known since I first moved back to mIami in 1999/2000- He told me that if I was going to marry Steve I would end up leaving acting…
He was right…I did…I left I raised kids and I built a marriage and now I am here….sitting near this fortune teller knowing I CHOSE my path and although I have a few more lines on my face and a few more cracks in the heart I am more alive than I have ever been and my acting…well…I am bringing a hole new journey and I think it is going to be amazing..

S

Kitchen

Goodbye…..auditioning

I love auditioning…I love playing with an idea and being asked to go against the concept I just thought of.

That is what an audition can be like if it is a good one. Someone asks you to redue your piece with an adjustment…sometimes they give it to you and sometimes they give you the exact adjustment and you have to create it right there.

What is happening is that the casting people are seeing
1) can you act
2) can you take direction
3) are you versatile

I love this process and I think that I may love it WAY TOO too much…well older parts of me love it…like a past lover…you are over them but a part of you…may need one last go..to be sure and that is what this past audition was..

BECAUSE

Auditioning is the apitamy of pleasing..

I have long given that role up but in an audition when a director is asking you to make an adjustment you are trying to ultimately please her so that she will cast you.

It is a hot coal pleasing situation and I love it except…this last time..I noticed I was aware that I was pleasing…and that is a problem-

If you are trying to please but you know you are PLAYING the role…a type of awareness comes into the game which I never had before.

I use to love auditions becasue I am an amazing pleaser but now that I don’t spend my days pleasing or desiring to please hardly anyone..I was acutely aware that I WAS..in the auditions.. becoming the PLEASER and that was an extra layer of awareness that made my work feel crowned.

It was fine..I don’t believe I got the role and I hope I don’t bc what I just came to realize is that this is a TRAP!

Why I auditioned was so that I woudln’t have to go back up to the mountains for Thanksgiving with my husbands fmaily..being the NON pleaser in training I was looking for an excuse. I applied for the casting while on a week long last minute trip with them in a cabin and I was fine but secretly wishing I could RUN…

and I DO NOT WANT to spend another week there in November and I just may have to if I don’t have a reason not to and so I auditioned and well…

See…it isn’t even the holiday it is the repetition of the holiday these years…but I can’t sabotage my desire NOT to be around tons of people in a cabin with auditioning for another persons work. It is a TRAP!!!!!

I want to just own that I am doing my own work about myself and that is what is going to happen…I DON’T HAVE THAT MUCH ENERGY TO BE IN ANOTHER PLAY AND WORKING ON MY OWN PIECE.

I will end up letting go of something..I am a monogamous person in love and in work I believe and I need to hold myself to my own moon light and keep myself in line with what I want to do FOR MYSELF..and maybe that will elevaiate my resistance to join other people for the holidays.

I have auditioned for my whole life..I refuse to do it regardless of how amazing i am at it..becasue the audition is a gateway to the drug of OTHER PEOPLE’s work and I have come so far from that place.

TO begin again becasue I happen to have cabin fever and I am free is not what I need right now.. I need to
cut the fat myself
..becasue I SAY SO…
.create my piece and perform it..

that is what I am doing this year and I am not going to allow myself to push it off again.

It is like that author who walked 30 days to figure out why he can’t write.

JUST WRIGHT SUSIE

.