Tag: mother

Kitchen

INtegration of character


I found this word today by asking my husband what he felt the opposite of segregation was. 

I had been segregated by life these back years to dissect them. It had began with the death of my father the several years of therapy and the hitting of a brick wall with my ability to see Myself. It them moved into performances based on self awareness, kindness, the female journey and relationships. The final aspect was work. That was not so much a performance process but one that stemmed from being in quarantine these past few months.

I have found my work. My creative self and my family did not conflict but rather coincided. The space of my house became the backdrop to my work, my creative expression , my impression and all without having to leave the heart strings I so desperately love, my family.

I have always thought acting and family were oxymorons. I had been taught that young and although I peeled away the belief through action I had not uprooted the original programing – till now. To be home creating, not needed to venture out, not having to run from the disturbances of my home as they clash with my creative SUSIE- 

The idea of letting a SPACE i had always and desperately wanted to go, to send a text perhaps to say thank you and that it served its purpose…I am integrated.

I am integrated. I have kindly placed all my pieces back together and I have been able to flow and function at such high speeds. No breaks in emotion or energy having to exit and reenter my realisties. I am in one reality and have from here branched into others I have sold myself on. I am in one place and the creative juices flow around me. I am grounded and open minded and secure.

I was watching a show on Netflix as they discussed that a marijuana overdose reveals your holes and insecurities. I remember being concerned that no one could see me and that Steve would sometimes not be next to me even though he was driving the car. My fear was not being seen or heard and perhaps because I knew I wasn’t anywhere to long and thus I was nowhere..in my movement and in my work..I hadn’t tethered them in because it is not the pole it is myself – i have become the pole…centered, clear, understood more and more as I step forward with my work.

Integration. A woman’s work, apron strings and creative juices and the concostions I shall make.

And I I make breakfast, her the sizzle of the bacon the laughter of the boys the grains of sand beneath my feet from the outdoor project I am working on with teh family as a 46th Borthday project for me……I am typi

ng my thoughts in real time on this keyboard on my kitchen counter which will serves as my backdrop for my upcoming interview show I am hosting as my favorite Character Mrs. Keith Wade form Miami Motel Stories…it is called unplugged

Which is what we all needed to do inorder to reset and integrate…

Kitchen

Hello …Susanne?

A scene between 40 and 44

A- Hey snooze

B- It is Susanne now

A- Really?

B_ Well..yeah..I guess

A- Getting older Susanne

B_Trying to

A- Why

B- Because I want to accept it before the inevitable

A- Youth is still on your side

B- It was..

A- Are you giving up?

B- I am undoing my fakeness

A- Your what

B- My bullshit ness

A- Why

B- I want to experience MY life…not a version of it.

A- Why

B- TO know I was present…here..living …not just adjusting my reality to what I want wish convinced it should be

A- Sounds heavy

B- It is actually really light

A- Easy?

B-Getting there …just have to let go of my lies- reset them

A-Did you return to them?

B-Some- NY- London- Reviewing them through my eyes now and through my body now..

A-Speaking of your body- what the hell did you do

B-Oh, you mean my breasts

A-Yeah- our boobs—what the fuck!!!

B-I took them out

A- Why? They were so fun and sexy and amazing

B- Because they were also Bullshit… you can’t evolve with bullshit in you or on you or else you just make MORE bull shit

A- So you are cleaning yourself out of bullshit

B- Of anger and I think the boobs gave me that and protected me at times too but regardless…I need to handle our Bullshit…and that means being REAL first with myself

A- You look very different…

B- I don’t do Botox either

A- Are you fucking kidding me….you are a train-wreck- you’re ruing ME.

B-I’ll find an alternative..i promise …i am concerned about freezing movement…which I believe is aligned with health

A- Shut up- Your husband is hot- he’ll leave you

B-He could- he won’t – or he would have..besides…it is a journey.

A- Your crazy

B- I am

A- My throat is closing…

B- I know

A- Are you doing this on purpose…bringing me here to see you murder me piece by piece— you are a wicked person..

B- I need to do this so you won’t try and come back- I need to burn our bridge so I can move into whatever this new version of susie

A- Susie again

B-I can’t shake it…is going to be and with YOU always trying to sneak in with that Acting shit is not helping.

A-Oh- so now you don’t want to act

B-I am sick of acting…I have only been acting …I built on the side line a great family and home and friends and I want to LIVE that life…not just hang out there till the REAL thing happens

A- You think you can be happy in mediocrity

B- Maybe you were always mediocre…especially when you started building a platform..

A- You can build from a platform

B- Nothing dramatic or exciting or new

A- No- nothing like that… but you can build something stable and steady and calm and I need that in my life

B- Where are all your friends?

A- I said goodbye

B- Why?

A- I only want to be with people taking this trip with me….the others hurt me too much..I am not kind enough to not hit back and this fight is almost done..i hope

B- Are you alone then

A- I have a few solids…wiser calmer less drama people to be around

B- You sound super dooper boring

A- I am – I put out all the HOT FIRES and I am back at the beginning…with my two sticks and my tinder leaves and I am just waiting to see how to make this OTHER fire work…

B- Without me?

A- You were amazing…you did a great JOB played the best role and now I have to stop using you…find ME ME Because you are not me NOW…see that over there……I am heading over that hill and I want to be graceful and kind about it…I am done struggling and fighting and resisting and forcing… I am better with the people I have around me…and being in their currents and just laying back and floating….I only get upset when I pull my head up and question…but see. This is not my normal and I have to relax and see where they take me…as I am…in peace and detachment from most of my past and also my future

B- So you have no clue If this is going to work?

A- No but I have faith it will be good- whatever IT is

B- I am worried

A- I’ll write…I promise…

Kitchen

Hello Tennis

I left playing tennis in my high school years and have only played here and there – a lesson or two- since..I was ok- but I could never beat my mother due to her her daily tennis ritual which at times of my youth appeared to over throw my childhood needs- planted a seed.

I couldn’t really LOVE tennis becasue my mom loved it more- sometimes it seemed more than she loved me.- FUnny how these truths we misplanted can grow tiny roots in our story.

The sliver roots showed themselves this summer…when my husband missed two phone calls from the boys while they were away at camp and he happened to be playing golf at the time>
As I explained to my son why his dad missed the calles my son seemed unfazed but a small volcano began to erupt within me.

A feeling of being left on the dock of a terrible all girls camp while my mom waved and my father filmed and laughed flickered through my mind. A feeling I can align with being depreserted- laughed at for my drama – – her magnitizing to things more in her control like tennis – something she was great at…and seen in…is understandable.

( As a mother myself having been with out my boys for about 4 weeks I can understand that being a MOTHER of young children isn’t always my hearts desire. I love them and we have a great relationship but the ROLE of mother can get old at times and from my perspective I can see why tennis may have won out every once in a while. )

So-

I awake yesterday in the Berkshires at her home….with a realization that my mom still all these years later laughs at me and whatever thing I am doing that she seems excessive…i was bothered by it and realizing it was my issue I kayaked it out of me and logically maneuvered my feelings back in check…Stop trying to be something you aren’t…and people will stop laughing… THis means…to me…just go with the flow…not against the current…not excessive effort and see where the wind takes you- remember to FLOW!

FLow state takes me usually to amazing places I could neve have never thought of… versions of relationships I amd my ego couldn’t find.

so when I was standing across her at her kitchen counter this morning and she mentioned she was heading to play tennis- she also happened to randomly ask If I wanted to play with her.

I accepted and took up the opportunity- perhaps- to reset my story through stokes and serves and volley’s-

I arrived on the court after she had already began to play doubles with her crew..and eventually I took ove as my mothers double partner. ( I had imagined we’d be playing against each other and had already began to statigize a way to beat her)

I think this may have been the first time I played WITH her. I felt calm and relaxed and my mother ( a star tennis playing my anyone’s measure..) began to coach me.

“Watch the alley, they are both lefties”
“Don’t cross the court when you end up center, return to your side”
“Watch the ball…keep your head down..”
And then
“NICE SHOT SUSIE!!!!!”

I wasn’t the insecure girl I had been all the years before. My tongue wasn’t hanging out in order to concentrate. I was relaxed. I placed the ball I took her constant direction and we ended up winning the match 6 -2- I even won on my serve one which was huge!

So tennis began to look different to me. It looked like something I could connect to my mom with and not resent. It could be something I could approach with a master perspective of appreciation and not jealousy.

Plus- I like the clothes,

I love the game. As my mom says, you only need one other person to play is!

So rekindling leads to rewriting -with my mother by my side – I free myself from the residue of resentment of those who chose games over my drama…I get it now…Drama

Match- Set – Game.

What do you and your mother have that you can try and rekindle and thus rewrite..?