Tag: love

Kitchen

LIES I tell myself

finding your own lies is fun. it undoes you. it teaches you again who you are NOT and in that you can be a little closer to who you are…right now….

I have had a Fraxel peel. I have decided to do this to help perhaps prevent more Basel cells…or perhaps because I am vain or perhaps because my industry can be harsh and perhaps because I am growing old…ER.

I have a Fraxel peel and removed scars and sun damage and a thin layer of skin and in that…I was in the Derm office and back in the beauty conversation again and in that…in that…I owned my present self

My present self is dealing with death. She is dancing with her in my lines….in how I am seen through the eyes of others and how much ticking time in my backward counting calendar I have still

I am gong backwards in my life I have found…back and back and back to what…to a time where I was young and free and untainted and then what…

What happens when I get there…. I still have wrinkles….I still have expressive lines and so I try again to remove those and I slip…I watch myself slipping…down the rabbit hole of beauty unattained…into a world of frozen expression and I pray it doesn’t work

that the dab or release is not enough to undue my hard-earned lines because even tough they are difficult to look at on a screen…I doubt I’ll be on that massive screen…but on a stage…they are good for communicating to the last row…this is truth…I am not strong enough in so many ways to keep myself from myself…

I hope this TUESDAY is the last time I visit the Derm…but it won’t be…I will waddle the LINE line for ever…somedays I will love my face and all I have it saying and some days I will not and ask for relief in a needle or a laser and that is my dance…in duplicity in owning myself and my inability to be extreme anymore.

I am nothing…neither here or there…I am nothing…I can’t make strong decisions because in that strong decision I become judgmental…I undue myself often and always

That is the joy, the lesson I get from acting…undoing who I am ..un doing what I believe…questioning my campus…and then
as this point…asking for assistance…

Someone to be an administrative person so I can continue to be the artist…an assistant …a smart organized person who has no desire to be onstage…who enjoys the details and the perfection of spelling and paragraphs and
grammar…a person who cares about these things. These rules…

a kind, organized, self-motivated, smart person who is accountable…to themselves and then to me.

I am interested in getting help…but not the help most people think I need…I am getting help to be more myself. In the sky with diamonds…and I am grateful I can ask for it.
s

Kitchen

Acting Enough-

The other day I went cra cra bc Steve thought a yoga certification would be good for me…I went CRAZY-

The why–that usually comes weeks later…the why is because THIS ME- doesn’t want a safety net-

I have followed WISE advise like this…from the start- from my 20s…got my fitness certification as soon as I arrived in New York to help me be an actor…then I got a gig at a bar as a cigar girl as a cocktail waitress…personal trainer…to help me be an actor and then I temped and then pole dancing teacher then event coordinator and then bibbitec inventor and then mom and then teacher AGAIN and then and then…ALL of these…so I could ACT. Because as we are told…ACTING won’t pay the bills or rather acting isn’t ENOUGH.

Funny thing is though…as a scientist who usually tests ideas out…I bought this SAFETY NET one hook line and sinker…and at this moment in time..-the yoga certification moment- when the idea of splicing myself yet again was suggested the true part of me I have recently reintroduced as my captain..my younger self…my authentic self…who I have fired to rule my direction aggressively went after the YOGA concept and chopped it up into pieces then ate it then pooped it out then loved it then said ” we can go that way but I choose NOT TO!”…I choose to stay the course with acting THIS TIME…this pause in acting work is not a pause it is a RECOVERY till my next ACTING job…and here is what happened since ..I fully committed myself to it for perhaps the first time in ever….

I was cast twice in two plays that with dove tail each other. I was recruited into a sketch comedy crew…I united some goddess woman who will be brining my one woman show to Edinburgh -I shot a commercial- I was requested twice for films I can’t do- I was offered to be part of a healing retreat for actors. and you see. in this experiment, I proved this….

Acting is enough…if you let it be…and my loves so are you…if you allow it….if you love it fully from every angle.

MIND the pauses…bc pause…that happens after shows and gigs is when the rational mind…aka Steve…suggests something stable…something more in line with the NORM…something to elevate the pain of coming off of things…of letting go..a buffer…I have learned to honor that time- play reconnect and reset….

SIDE NOTE: all the things I did to allow me to ACT actually informed me and made me the actor I am today -so I guess in the end…timing…my dear loves…TIMING is everything!
BUT one must remember when the need for an assist is gone and the time to break through is upon you. When you authentic self is done practicing and ready to MAKE IT!

I LOVE YOU…all of you….even if I never met you even if we don’t get along…regardless. We are united in love and that part of us is universally and forever in love with each other.

S

Susie K Taylor.
Photo credit
Alisa Rauner Photography

Kitchen

The ritual of acting and why everyone should study it!

Acting…it is about saying and believing something over and over again.
It is about allowing a thought to delve into your sub conscience.

If you watch the film HEAL on Netflix one of the main ingredients in a person getting better is their belief that they are.

This imagination skill is something actors train in. They are constantly tweaking and learning how to not only get into a thought process but to let out a thought process.

Maybe the letting out isn’t as widely spoken about but I remember hearing a chat on the BROADWAY station with http://www.sethrudetsky.com Seth Rudetsky was sharing openly about how after one of his first shows was over…he got depressed. He actually talks a lot about the emotional pains/strength of acting and rejection and the setting yourself up and the letdown.

So there in this muscle that actors have developed. Like the way you tear a muscle to make it strong.. Actors have a strong Empathy muscle…they love hard and they leave hard because that is the only way you can survive in their business. The ones that don’t let go…..they leave one way or another.

It isn’t pretty…it isn’t nice. Lots of tears usually…Even nice roles that make you feel amazing have to be left…or in the end you have left yourself instead. * I have found nicer roles are easier to say goodbye to because they leave a reminder of how sweet life is.

A cousin I have has a friend in the Sponge Bob show and mentioned how his friend has never been happier in his a life.… Thoughts have power. It is proven. However… so do other people’s thoughts…give yourself 7 times seeing a mc D commercial and eventually you think you want to buy a Cheeseburger …your mind thinks this…”if I don’t believe this or want this why am I seeing hearing…thinking about it?” …your psyche doesn’t understand why you’d have these thoughts if you didn’t believe them….and that my loves is the wild part of ciphering you from them.

And back to how acting helps with this…

Some people say I play myself…but I have found that isn’t true… you play a character and you use yourself to get to that character but at some point ..if you go there…that character will start to drive your car…a little more in rehearsal each day and it is like smoke…little by little and eventually it is opening night.. and your character, you HOPE, has arrived with all the support and love you can give it… So you play the role with all you have…and eventually the show ends. the story ends…

Like any guest in your home. How do you ask them to leave? If you assume they just will…they won’t. Especially if you keep accommodating them…if you force them out…they’ll keep a key and one unsuspecting day out of vengeance or pure fancy…they’ll use that key and break in to you “home” and do some damage…HOWEVER…I have learned in life and in acting the way you say set up the VISIT and the way you say GOODBYE..is everything…If you sit with them…ask them to let you know what they need to move on…ask the for your keys….hug them…and thank them…they will exit. Then the sadness of goodbye will set in and as long as you allow this to process through…this sadness of saying goodbye to a friend an experience…as long as you allow your sadness to have its time in the sun…you will move along with love and light and your next role… you next adventure will arrive to greet you …not layers of other people and roles you pretended so well to be.

I wish you all the power of good-byes with love. As they will offer you more hellos with love..

Susie

Kitchen

Mental Illness and other ramblings…

Do not get me started. I am just now seeing that someone on this blog posted I might have it…HA…most people have it…if we are honest..we all have some bit of .anxiety and stress and all the issues we are all dealing with… build up mental health issues…even being on your device…too long…we all got issues..

Funny how when you put yourself out there what you get back…what you recieve and in that recieving… what strikes you down and what strikes a chord.
The chord is that in today’s day and age …accusing someone of a Mental Illness is an insult…like a cut down…when in reality it is the countries largest issue…look at our president…and what I mean is look what this entire country as a whole decided to elect. Regardless of who you voted for…somewhere on some level we allowed this to become a possibility…perhaps by watching his show or just talking about how silly he is we gave him our country and if that doesn’t tell you that we are a SICK country at the moment then I don’t know what does.
I have no cure but I have an understanding that I am not more healed than you and you are no more sick then me and we are no more enlightened than what we read and watch and say…
I ramble in these posts…because my mind allows me to flow…..I write as I think and I don’t mind if you get it or not..that is not the point – the point is that I dared to say SOMETHING and if we all start to speak the anger will diminish and love will begin to pour out of us…or not…but it is a choice…dream on and allow yourself not to be perfect…I do ..often..

Kitchen

Ask an Actor….what the truth is.

When wondering where the truth lies I suggest finding an actor to discuss the situation. WHY?
Well, we are trained in great story telling…we are trained to find the Achilles heel of the character..we are trained to cover it up and we are trained to allow it to destroy things..even our own happiness….for the sake of DRAMA…EGO…ENTERTAINMENT…PRICE OF ADMISSION.

We love this the way an archeologist loves digging up memories…we love this because we thrive of relationships and positions and then the CLIMAX…the resolve the resolution….we thrive on the ART of telling a really great story…

Most actors would rather a REALLY great story then a happy one…we bend to the excitement…so if you implore us to examine your story…we will mark your drama you angst and how YOU as a participant are perpetuating it….and if you own our diagnosis… you will instantly be set free…because the curtain will close the lights will come on and everyone will be board …watching you…and that…is when you are in flow…a ripple on the ocean…nothing to look at here….

BUT not many can remain in that state long..it borders on boredom.

however kind and loving and whole and peaceful it is…so

Find a loving actor to talk with and I promise you you will see you life in the most beautiful way and the people in your life for exactly who they are and why they are in YOUR play… you will be able to step back and watch..and enjoy and direct and adjust as you see fit…
well…you can only adjust your character but in that the whole story is shifted and sometimes it is just that look…that turn of the head…that entrance a moment t00 s00n or t00 late that changes the vibe –

S

Kitchen

TOUGHHHHHH couple of weeks

Steve has a HUGE personality and when he is in a mood it seeps into the house…into the walls..into the windows….I am the same…my moods are more in the air in the lights and in the sounds of the drawers closing but we are equal…but this last one…this last bit of WEATHER…was intense….it came from the north and hovered around and as much as I tried to avoid it…well…it wasn’t happening…

I absorb….I absorb energy and often I can walk away but this …when it is in your house….well I am shit out of luck..

My mom can slip it off her back…any type of annoying energy….I am the opposite..it seeps in and becomes mine..

I drove home today after dropping my son at school with tears in my eyes…streaming down my face while I scooted my convertible over the causeways and the cool morning air pressed my tears into my years…

I am getting old..my husband is in a mood and other than that life is amazing…this is how I know it isn’t me…I am working …I am executing…I am getting cast …I am doing me…no need for tears in my life…but for the wrinkles but these tears were deep chest tears…

He on the other hand is still trying to accept himself and can’t stop talking about business…has been the past three week…I will bring up anything…any topic and he can relate it back to business… super OCD and super like my father with the freaking condos.

My photos I took for my updated headshot are surely UPDATED…I am sun damages and wrinkly skin and it hurts my ego…I don’t even have fake boobs to rest my chin on…I am nothing…I have become nothing and in that… the wind blows through me sometimes and gives me the shivers…

I do however have my first private lesson coming up at the end of the month… I am gong to cancel my group classes and just do privates….I am going to cancel the rest of the month at Tropical Vinyasa as it has become more of a chore

I am meeting with a writer to talk about my book on Monday…I am gathering monologues written by people who KNOW me…for my upcoming show in Edinburgh so yes….it is mostly Steve

and so I came home we walked to our room and we had a talk…we had sex no we made love…which I have to say was super sweet and I accepted ….that my husband is a huge ball of amazing energy that gets tied up into a knot and while he is trying to get himself out he tends to bump into me a hell of a lot with his energy BALLS and it sucks but at least he talks …he wants to talk through it…we have viciously honest talks about life and age and forever and we never seem to ever…want to walk away…we are magnetized to each others for the good and the bad of it…

I was thinking my soul may wish my life was more calm …although I have only had two calm relationships in my life…with really sweet guys who smothered me in love…but in the end…couldn’t hold me..

so my soul may wish for gentler times but for now my man is STILL very much a MAN an amazing ALLPHA male trying with all his might to figure out how to unhinge himself from the rest of the DICKs and it hurts…it must feel like someone is puling off his skin…the outer layer he has used or use at times to get what you need to get done…and it it a tough piece of chicken fat keeping it attached…but today…we got closer

I told him he is difficult and he agreed…he accepted it…YANK

His grandfather was married 6 times…I get it…and all his wives drank….I get it…
I am born into a family of bearish woman…so I can seem to handle it…I cry I talk I pop the emotional pimple and we are free.

Kitchen

love is in the ….saying goodbye to say hello

I have found it is in the hello that we realize we are in love…but it is in the forgetting that allows the hello to happen. We have all been here before and we must forget it all. the more we forget the more we remember fresh and the more we can fall in love daily…

it annoys me to hang with people who remember so well YEt….they forget to forget.

Kitchen

Hello…..Christina

We met at the first ever SUPER STAR SUMMIT in Miami—organized by MIami ICON Michelle villabobos I learned a lot- spent a weekend alone at the Mayfair and ended up clicking with a cool chick from Kansas.

I mentioned that I was heading next to BLOG HER in San Jose and as it turned out I had an extra bed in anyone wanted to join. Me. I mentioned this at a table of mostly women who I just met and they all kind of…turned to their food or their phone and igneored the forward invitation.

Then one day in the not so distant time I received a text from one of the girls saysing she was going to be in tSan Jose area and she woudl like to use join me in my extra bed in my hotel.

I was excited…When she arrived at the hotel door I opened it to see a MAN waiting at the door…then a beautiful head peeked in form the side…it was Christina Dan the Tran was her husband…

They just wanted to make sure I was real and after they agreed I was safe they dropped off Christina and away we went. We spent the whole time laughing too loud and swearing we woudl NEvER write a BLOG as it looked really intense..( HAHAHAHAH) and time consuming and such and we had each just built a business and new what that means..

Regardless of of NON blog desire we stayed close and she has since visited me several times in Miami. This last one..some four years since we met. We actually had two solid days together.

We hung out at Soho house – saw theater-ate great food-danced and motivated each other to move into our higher selves

We are planing a slow take over of Miami in the near furutre.

I finally have found that I have surrounded myself with REAL supportive people and I am lucky to have them and know them and Christina is one of them…

She is a soul sister like no other and one day I’ll have all my soul sisters meet and the universe will implode…with how beautiful we all are and how powerful the love we have for each other is…

I used to tell Steve..I don’t have any freinds in miami..ow I do..great ones…

Make new freinds but keep the old some are silver and the other gold.

Kitchen

Hello …Susanne?

A scene between 40 and 44

A- Hey snooze

B- It is Susanne now

A- Really?

B_ Well..yeah..I guess

A- Getting older Susanne

B_Trying to

A- Why

B- Because I want to accept it before the inevitable

A- Youth is still on your side

B- It was..

A- Are you giving up?

B- I am undoing my fakeness

A- Your what

B- My bullshit ness

A- Why

B- I want to experience MY life…not a version of it.

A- Why

B- TO know I was present…here..living …not just adjusting my reality to what I want wish convinced it should be

A- Sounds heavy

B- It is actually really light

A- Easy?

B-Getting there …just have to let go of my lies- reset them

A-Did you return to them?

B-Some- NY- London- Reviewing them through my eyes now and through my body now..

A-Speaking of your body- what the hell did you do

B-Oh, you mean my breasts

A-Yeah- our boobs—what the fuck!!!

B-I took them out

A- Why? They were so fun and sexy and amazing

B- Because they were also Bullshit… you can’t evolve with bullshit in you or on you or else you just make MORE bull shit

A- So you are cleaning yourself out of bullshit

B- Of anger and I think the boobs gave me that and protected me at times too but regardless…I need to handle our Bullshit…and that means being REAL first with myself

A- You look very different…

B- I don’t do Botox either

A- Are you fucking kidding me….you are a train-wreck- you’re ruing ME.

B-I’ll find an alternative..i promise …i am concerned about freezing movement…which I believe is aligned with health

A- Shut up- Your husband is hot- he’ll leave you

B-He could- he won’t – or he would have..besides…it is a journey.

A- Your crazy

B- I am

A- My throat is closing…

B- I know

A- Are you doing this on purpose…bringing me here to see you murder me piece by piece— you are a wicked person..

B- I need to do this so you won’t try and come back- I need to burn our bridge so I can move into whatever this new version of susie

A- Susie again

B-I can’t shake it…is going to be and with YOU always trying to sneak in with that Acting shit is not helping.

A-Oh- so now you don’t want to act

B-I am sick of acting…I have only been acting …I built on the side line a great family and home and friends and I want to LIVE that life…not just hang out there till the REAL thing happens

A- You think you can be happy in mediocrity

B- Maybe you were always mediocre…especially when you started building a platform..

A- You can build from a platform

B- Nothing dramatic or exciting or new

A- No- nothing like that… but you can build something stable and steady and calm and I need that in my life

B- Where are all your friends?

A- I said goodbye

B- Why?

A- I only want to be with people taking this trip with me….the others hurt me too much..I am not kind enough to not hit back and this fight is almost done..i hope

B- Are you alone then

A- I have a few solids…wiser calmer less drama people to be around

B- You sound super dooper boring

A- I am – I put out all the HOT FIRES and I am back at the beginning…with my two sticks and my tinder leaves and I am just waiting to see how to make this OTHER fire work…

B- Without me?

A- You were amazing…you did a great JOB played the best role and now I have to stop using you…find ME ME Because you are not me NOW…see that over there……I am heading over that hill and I want to be graceful and kind about it…I am done struggling and fighting and resisting and forcing… I am better with the people I have around me…and being in their currents and just laying back and floating….I only get upset when I pull my head up and question…but see. This is not my normal and I have to relax and see where they take me…as I am…in peace and detachment from most of my past and also my future

B- So you have no clue If this is going to work?

A- No but I have faith it will be good- whatever IT is

B- I am worried

A- I’ll write…I promise…

Kitchen

YOU NEVER LET ME GO…THANK GOODNESS

I WROTE this diddy the other day…part of a song someone should write

You never let me go
You never let me go
You never let me go
No matter how I try to say good-

I never let you go
I never let you go
I never let you go
I matter how you tried to say good-

And here is the scene…it is about NOT being angry or unhappy or discontent.. and how strange that feels to me

A couple sitting on a rocking wooden bench looking over the mountains…sipping kambucha..

You: Now what

Me: no idea

You: I don’t know how to move from here

ME; you want to go back

You: Back there

Me: yes

You: because newness is hard

Me: I suppose

You: All this for nothin

Me: I guess

You: Gags and tittels

Me: entertainment with blood stains

You: Marriage is boring when we aren’t fighting

Me: That’s your issue

You: Fuck you!

Me: Your welcome.

You : I feel better now…thanks… ( Kisses)