Tag: letting go

Kitchen

Hello……Bunny…goodbye …..

A couple of years ago I wrote a play with a woman about two woman in the 1950s. We ended up creating a creative piece but in the end her and I had artistic differences as to the HOW to do the show.

Funny…we were able to create and when it came to the HOW we were going to create we split hard and cold and although we were amicable we were never close again.

The end of the story we wrote was how these two ACTORS run into each other years later and don’t you know it.

On my audition at the Biltmore for the call back fo the Lottery commercial in she walked. I approached her with love but was met with disdain and in that moement I felt the vast differences between us rise….I advised myself not to go in for a hug, as there may be blood shed in that action, so I sat outside and waited my turn.

As the universe had it we were called in and auditioned for the commercial as two freinds…nothing further from the truth…not hatred but just not friendship…

It is hard for me to find that middle ground being SUCH an extremist..
I love you or I hate you type but I have found this middle ground lately and it is less engaging and less drama and it is simply

I want for you what you want for you.

I didn’t get the role…maybe i was too pretty or not silly enough but in that audition room my heart was pounding louder than it has in years and the feeling I had with another past neutral person was reflected and I chose to walk away…and in that…that made all the difference in the world..

AFter the audition was over I left the room as fast as I could and my feet led me directly to my car. I floated there…My body doesn’t betray me often anymore..it tells me the truth and I listen to it and it is happy for that.

Kitchen

THe week in review

THe few days I spent with Christina were amazing. I had just finished shooting a film called ‘Cuddles” and I was heading home when I got a call.
HIIIIIII-
Oh hey Christina…wait are you in MIami already?
I am …should I come over?

I was amazed that I had forgotten that CHRISITNA was arriving today and I was surprised that we were actually going to see each other bc I didn’t know the schedule.

I waited for her and was beyond thrilled when she pulled up in her rented car. Thankful Miami is alluring to her and i live in Miami and we met.

We went to Plant at Sacred space sans ways and pulled in put the top up on the convertible took a photo of three trucks with the letter K lined up next to each other. Ate DISGUSTING kimchi ravioli and intense cheese and delicious raw lasagne and a yummy Kambucha and a severe shot of ginger and some other quesadilla dish…we left after laughing about how the waiter’s voice needs to be in Pirates of the Caribean…

She had a class the next day so she left and Tuesday flew by and then on Wednesday she came with me to record a few chapters from Elana’s new book at the Audacity studio in Hollywood. Two full hours and then we ate Greek octopus’s and drove south to get our nails done. She chose a really nice color for my toes and I did my nails and eyebrows…then I went home and went to the gym with my fmaily and she stayed home with Mason while he cooked a sun basket dinner. Then we met Maria and Jen at the house and took an UBER to Sherwood’s expecting to meet someone for JEN but nope
I was served a salad that had been tossed with straight Mustard…Jen ate a massive Cinnabon with Ice Cream…Maria ate a fruit cobbler…I had two drink of fresh squeezed apples martini and CHRISITNA drank a Margaritta and had the kale salad tossed with the correct dressing.

THe manager flew out to apologize when I almost died of Mustard overdose and replaced the salad BUT i will never be able to eat that salad again and the fact that I actually paid to have Kale and Mustard makes me want to THROW UP…

We all went home after that to drop off Jen and get Maria’s car we were going to try and go dancing but to NO avail..we ended up at Anderson’s which was MOrgans and NO ONE…I MEAN NADA a PERSONA was there.

We took photos laughed and I nearly fell asleep in the chairs I pushed together SLOPPY all over..

THursday I had an audition in the Biltmore in MIami and CHRISITNA drove with me…I did the Lottery buried Tressure audition and then we found a healthy diner in COral gables and ate an açaí bowl and she had eggs and I had bacon to even out the protein and we talked about instagram and social media and I was getting sick..the idea of it..annoyed and then we tried to find stripper shoes in our size up on 163 street where I thought they still were but no- the Jewish Hasidic owner was not there anymore and neither were my size 11 stripper shoes or her size 8 wide ones.

WE drove home and I was tired…getting my period no doubt…and we started to read our TAROT cared online. I asked the tarot cards “if my class would bring me financial success and the cards ..all came out an emotional peace cards and NOT any about financial…it made us think that that my money desires are gong to come from the acting work and that my class is more Passion and Healing…

That relaxed me

I layed on my bright yellow green window seat and maria came over my mom called about her upcoming MOES surgery I was happy the house was full of estrogen and Steve was….somewhere…of yeah…out with his BOYS
And then yesterday

Maria arrived for our FRIDAY workout at 7- we walked for an hour did lunges then bear crawls then abs and then ACV drink and Decaf coffee. I was still mulling over /Complainig about the past weekend REACTION to my mother in Law who had tried to do her typical move and i defended myself and my vision …we discussed and I got over it but also realized that I had in the present state with her…for the first time…I stayed home… and was working when my mom arrived…she was taking the boys for a few and she mentioned THanksgiving being held at my Ouse. I agreed with the caveat that i can invite people i like and as long as she doesn;t have an issue with that then ok..maybe Have Heather host it too…

Her face grimaced but she moved on and I think accepted the RULE- so again I was able to adjust the power house MOTHER and add in my two cents without being childish..

THen while she had the boys I found a woman to do my headshots and heard I got a call back from the Lottery Burried Treasure commercial I began to work on my lines for the upcoming PHARA EVENT on Tuesday and had s trying of emails with my EX husband TIM who after writing me a monologue about our relationship asked me to do the same…I was brutally HONEST about what a DICK he was and even in his version he agreed…I informed him why we would never have worked out how I never felt self and etc etc..then I ended it with the truth…but all is fair in LOVE and war and I respect you now and want the best for you and we are freinds…

I had also gotten letters from AMY and Mica and Daria and I had one from Maria so I almost Had NINE monologues…

Then after all that computer and sitting I
then went to get th eboys on SOUTH BEACH at a tennis show place and home…

I travel to SOUTH BEACH almost daily these days

That night…

I went roller blading with Tripp’s and Steve and Steve had Tipp’s and we ran him all around the park.. it was great then we dropped him off and I went alone with Steve and we had a nice roamintic RIDE through our NICE romantic neighborhood and then I went home and made the steaks and kale chips and a yummy Boc choy salad. Steve had lentil soup and started talking about his mom I felt a rush and then a cool and then it was over…I was done…I don’t need to harp on details about his fmaily anymore…it doesn’t concern me in the least and that is the truth…
I love them all and yet I have no desire to know how and what their beliefs are as I have spent all I can on that and it is time to refocus on MY thoughts..my life and my career and as SELFISH as it may appear it is NOT at all…..and being in anyone else VIBE is NOT FOR ME..

Today is class and then maybe Ill go to the gym…

WHo knows.
S

Kitchen

Hello …Susanne?

A scene between 40 and 44

A- Hey snooze

B- It is Susanne now

A- Really?

B_ Well..yeah..I guess

A- Getting older Susanne

B_Trying to

A- Why

B- Because I want to accept it before the inevitable

A- Youth is still on your side

B- It was..

A- Are you giving up?

B- I am undoing my fakeness

A- Your what

B- My bullshit ness

A- Why

B- I want to experience MY life…not a version of it.

A- Why

B- TO know I was present…here..living …not just adjusting my reality to what I want wish convinced it should be

A- Sounds heavy

B- It is actually really light

A- Easy?

B-Getting there …just have to let go of my lies- reset them

A-Did you return to them?

B-Some- NY- London- Reviewing them through my eyes now and through my body now..

A-Speaking of your body- what the hell did you do

B-Oh, you mean my breasts

A-Yeah- our boobs—what the fuck!!!

B-I took them out

A- Why? They were so fun and sexy and amazing

B- Because they were also Bullshit… you can’t evolve with bullshit in you or on you or else you just make MORE bull shit

A- So you are cleaning yourself out of bullshit

B- Of anger and I think the boobs gave me that and protected me at times too but regardless…I need to handle our Bullshit…and that means being REAL first with myself

A- You look very different…

B- I don’t do Botox either

A- Are you fucking kidding me….you are a train-wreck- you’re ruing ME.

B-I’ll find an alternative..i promise …i am concerned about freezing movement…which I believe is aligned with health

A- Shut up- Your husband is hot- he’ll leave you

B-He could- he won’t – or he would have..besides…it is a journey.

A- Your crazy

B- I am

A- My throat is closing…

B- I know

A- Are you doing this on purpose…bringing me here to see you murder me piece by piece— you are a wicked person..

B- I need to do this so you won’t try and come back- I need to burn our bridge so I can move into whatever this new version of susie

A- Susie again

B-I can’t shake it…is going to be and with YOU always trying to sneak in with that Acting shit is not helping.

A-Oh- so now you don’t want to act

B-I am sick of acting…I have only been acting …I built on the side line a great family and home and friends and I want to LIVE that life…not just hang out there till the REAL thing happens

A- You think you can be happy in mediocrity

B- Maybe you were always mediocre…especially when you started building a platform..

A- You can build from a platform

B- Nothing dramatic or exciting or new

A- No- nothing like that… but you can build something stable and steady and calm and I need that in my life

B- Where are all your friends?

A- I said goodbye

B- Why?

A- I only want to be with people taking this trip with me….the others hurt me too much..I am not kind enough to not hit back and this fight is almost done..i hope

B- Are you alone then

A- I have a few solids…wiser calmer less drama people to be around

B- You sound super dooper boring

A- I am – I put out all the HOT FIRES and I am back at the beginning…with my two sticks and my tinder leaves and I am just waiting to see how to make this OTHER fire work…

B- Without me?

A- You were amazing…you did a great JOB played the best role and now I have to stop using you…find ME ME Because you are not me NOW…see that over there……I am heading over that hill and I want to be graceful and kind about it…I am done struggling and fighting and resisting and forcing… I am better with the people I have around me…and being in their currents and just laying back and floating….I only get upset when I pull my head up and question…but see. This is not my normal and I have to relax and see where they take me…as I am…in peace and detachment from most of my past and also my future

B- So you have no clue If this is going to work?

A- No but I have faith it will be good- whatever IT is

B- I am worried

A- I’ll write…I promise…