Tag: home

Kitchen

INtegration of character


I found this word today by asking my husband what he felt the opposite of segregation was. 

I had been segregated by life these back years to dissect them. It had began with the death of my father the several years of therapy and the hitting of a brick wall with my ability to see Myself. It them moved into performances based on self awareness, kindness, the female journey and relationships. The final aspect was work. That was not so much a performance process but one that stemmed from being in quarantine these past few months.

I have found my work. My creative self and my family did not conflict but rather coincided. The space of my house became the backdrop to my work, my creative expression , my impression and all without having to leave the heart strings I so desperately love, my family.

I have always thought acting and family were oxymorons. I had been taught that young and although I peeled away the belief through action I had not uprooted the original programing – till now. To be home creating, not needed to venture out, not having to run from the disturbances of my home as they clash with my creative SUSIE- 

The idea of letting a SPACE i had always and desperately wanted to go, to send a text perhaps to say thank you and that it served its purpose…I am integrated.

I am integrated. I have kindly placed all my pieces back together and I have been able to flow and function at such high speeds. No breaks in emotion or energy having to exit and reenter my realisties. I am in one reality and have from here branched into others I have sold myself on. I am in one place and the creative juices flow around me. I am grounded and open minded and secure.

I was watching a show on Netflix as they discussed that a marijuana overdose reveals your holes and insecurities. I remember being concerned that no one could see me and that Steve would sometimes not be next to me even though he was driving the car. My fear was not being seen or heard and perhaps because I knew I wasn’t anywhere to long and thus I was nowhere..in my movement and in my work..I hadn’t tethered them in because it is not the pole it is myself – i have become the pole…centered, clear, understood more and more as I step forward with my work.

Integration. A woman’s work, apron strings and creative juices and the concostions I shall make.

And I I make breakfast, her the sizzle of the bacon the laughter of the boys the grains of sand beneath my feet from the outdoor project I am working on with teh family as a 46th Borthday project for me……I am typi

ng my thoughts in real time on this keyboard on my kitchen counter which will serves as my backdrop for my upcoming interview show I am hosting as my favorite Character Mrs. Keith Wade form Miami Motel Stories…it is called unplugged

Which is what we all needed to do inorder to reset and integrate…

Kitchen

Home …with boys

I am a mother and wife and I have three boys plus a male dog in my house. And all i want really is the scense of flow-

My freinds and some family in the Latin side of my life claim time is limited…the family on the Jewish side is a more go and be free mentality and time…is not limited..or limiting..

But i feel AT times that these differences in culture slice thorugh me…compromise me and confuse me.

I don’t want to be a mother hen watching over and taking temp- I rather they cook for me and clean their rooms and wonder if I can do one thing for them and NOT WONDER why I don’t do everything…

I am not sure how others move but I won’t clean your kitchen in a thousand years and yet that is what I pretended to do for Steve…when we met and I set the stage the conversation and ever since I have been dragged into an amazing life….more than what I expected..a free dove surrounded by constant love and at peace in my little piece of Miami.

Kitchen

Not…Acting

I received the email for the rehearsal of a film that a freind asked me to do. I began to become both excited and then angry. This part of me that doesn’t want to pretend anymore started screaming and I began to act out. I got annoyed with Steve with my mom with the whole world instantly and even ruined a nice dinner by being sad. It wasn’t until I was coming home from he day in the city with my mom that I then got an email that my freind was baking out of the film.

I immediately began to consider ding the same and as soon as I sent the email saying thank you but no thank you a rush of NOT HAVING TO a relief washed over me.

I don’t think I am able to really understand how much I do not want to do something until the idea of NOT doing it comes into play. It was the same with Steve and I. I mentioned this before.

THis part of recasting is a series of instant helloboodbyes. They are about about trying and eyeing how things fit and then not making too much of a commitment and then letting go at the first opportunity. It I then feel like retuning to it…well then…it is from a place of peace and not HAVE TO but rather “Would like to” and not SHould cause I can but may because it woudl be NICE.

Moving from a place of peace is amazing and the toxity of doing something I don’t want to do feel like plugging my finger in a socket and yet…I am seeing I tend to stay there a minute or two just to see if I COULD and WOULD becasue I haven’t fully transitioned into OIGN this book which in a sense is ALL about me and not anyone else…which is the practice I am trying to do. Understanding my OWN self…more.

Kitchen

Hello NYC

Upon landing in the city yesterday it occurred to me that this was ME the REAL ME returning to the city I loved. I left my LARGER WINDOWED WALL studio apartment in 1999 to go home to Miami for thanksgiving which morphed into a boob job which morphed into hesitation upon returning which morphed into working in a few PAID plays in Miami, which morphed into gettin engaged to an old flame, then married and All thesew  little slow detachments…

And that’s how I left NYC…it kind of happened…I never REALLY ever went back…I subleted out my LARGE WINDOWED WALL studio rent stabilized apartment on 15th and 3rd and rented a one bedroom balcony apartment in MIami Beach…It happened like that…Steve preferred Miami and looking back I have to say the idea of returning to NYC to continue my acting with my new boob additions felt like Pig in lipstick but HOT.:)

NYC to me meant authenticity.where serious actors go….. Miami was FAKE and silly and now I was FAKE..and becoming silly .so I kind of felt more at home in my Home town of 305.

So yesterday when I landed it was the first time since 1999 ( sans implants) that I had been in the CIty without my Implants and to those who have never had them – it meant that my heart was a little closer to the air-the smell- the city and we were beating in unison… and the felling is of being HOME HERE…within myself..reclaiming inch by inch my self.

Letting go of NYC was not easy but my life in Miami was. It it warm and exciting and green and sun filled and sand paved.

Mistakes make us who we are…and help us us appreciate who we aren’t