Tag: Actress

Kitchen

Nothing is….#easy

Just finished season 2 of #easy and all i can say is THANK GOODNESS i am not an actress in that show. The lines they are pushing are gone and this is not a “SCRIPTED” piece but rather an unveiled piece that puts the actors right up on the line of what is ART and what is entertainment and what is PORN.
I think everything is blending together and the lines for me are gone.

I am still a little shocked at the porn vibe the show had in the sex worker scene and how conversational it was. How mundane sex is in this show and how kind of great that is for people who are repressed and how kind of sad that is for the romantic in me.

I went to acting school to learn how to tell stories and there are many but there comes an age where I am finding the type of story I tell affects people and the question is HOW..but see that is not an artists problem…the artist problem is not to care how…or else you become an activist…oh dear..is that what I am?

S

Kitchen

Hello …Susanne?

A scene between 40 and 44

A- Hey snooze

B- It is Susanne now

A- Really?

B_ Well..yeah..I guess

A- Getting older Susanne

B_Trying to

A- Why

B- Because I want to accept it before the inevitable

A- Youth is still on your side

B- It was..

A- Are you giving up?

B- I am undoing my fakeness

A- Your what

B- My bullshit ness

A- Why

B- I want to experience MY life…not a version of it.

A- Why

B- TO know I was present…here..living …not just adjusting my reality to what I want wish convinced it should be

A- Sounds heavy

B- It is actually really light

A- Easy?

B-Getting there …just have to let go of my lies- reset them

A-Did you return to them?

B-Some- NY- London- Reviewing them through my eyes now and through my body now..

A-Speaking of your body- what the hell did you do

B-Oh, you mean my breasts

A-Yeah- our boobs—what the fuck!!!

B-I took them out

A- Why? They were so fun and sexy and amazing

B- Because they were also Bullshit… you can’t evolve with bullshit in you or on you or else you just make MORE bull shit

A- So you are cleaning yourself out of bullshit

B- Of anger and I think the boobs gave me that and protected me at times too but regardless…I need to handle our Bullshit…and that means being REAL first with myself

A- You look very different…

B- I don’t do Botox either

A- Are you fucking kidding me….you are a train-wreck- you’re ruing ME.

B-I’ll find an alternative..i promise …i am concerned about freezing movement…which I believe is aligned with health

A- Shut up- Your husband is hot- he’ll leave you

B-He could- he won’t – or he would have..besides…it is a journey.

A- Your crazy

B- I am

A- My throat is closing…

B- I know

A- Are you doing this on purpose…bringing me here to see you murder me piece by piece— you are a wicked person..

B- I need to do this so you won’t try and come back- I need to burn our bridge so I can move into whatever this new version of susie

A- Susie again

B-I can’t shake it…is going to be and with YOU always trying to sneak in with that Acting shit is not helping.

A-Oh- so now you don’t want to act

B-I am sick of acting…I have only been acting …I built on the side line a great family and home and friends and I want to LIVE that life…not just hang out there till the REAL thing happens

A- You think you can be happy in mediocrity

B- Maybe you were always mediocre…especially when you started building a platform..

A- You can build from a platform

B- Nothing dramatic or exciting or new

A- No- nothing like that… but you can build something stable and steady and calm and I need that in my life

B- Where are all your friends?

A- I said goodbye

B- Why?

A- I only want to be with people taking this trip with me….the others hurt me too much..I am not kind enough to not hit back and this fight is almost done..i hope

B- Are you alone then

A- I have a few solids…wiser calmer less drama people to be around

B- You sound super dooper boring

A- I am – I put out all the HOT FIRES and I am back at the beginning…with my two sticks and my tinder leaves and I am just waiting to see how to make this OTHER fire work…

B- Without me?

A- You were amazing…you did a great JOB played the best role and now I have to stop using you…find ME ME Because you are not me NOW…see that over there……I am heading over that hill and I want to be graceful and kind about it…I am done struggling and fighting and resisting and forcing… I am better with the people I have around me…and being in their currents and just laying back and floating….I only get upset when I pull my head up and question…but see. This is not my normal and I have to relax and see where they take me…as I am…in peace and detachment from most of my past and also my future

B- So you have no clue If this is going to work?

A- No but I have faith it will be good- whatever IT is

B- I am worried

A- I’ll write…I promise…

Kitchen

Hello …Hoʻoponopono

The prayer of Ho’oponopono is as I learned it to let go of the TIDES the generational pain you carry so as to not transfer them to the next one. IT is based on the idea of the lineage of emotional pain.

You say the name of the person that you have an “issue with” ( past or present
Then say
Please forgive me
I am sorry
I love you
Thank you

You will find that it is difficult for you to do for certain people and those are the people you need to keep saying this to until you don’t have difficulty doing it.

For me it was like I was slowly releaseing myself from a rope that was tied around my neck and with each repatriation over time it was a thread that broke until I was free and so was the person I did the prayer for…

THe prayer is Hawaiian and it was given to me by a Reike teacher who told me to say it for the people I claim have hurt me. At the time the list was long. I was late 30ths and I had a colorful life and in it there were missteps but the thing about this prayer, for lack of a better word is that it changed the villain from them to me…it gave me a sense of responsibility in the relationship becasue for one reason or another I was still holding onto it in a negative way. IT needed a correction if I wanted to be set free and who better to set yourself free than your own self.

It was about ME asking for forgiveness of the “people who wronged me” and in that I slowly began to realize that I had created extended pain and stress in my body by holding others in their characters—-their roles in my life. My negative thoughts had warm homes becasue I gave them that place in my body. I allowed them there..THis was a wonderful key that unlocked my own ability to negotiate my thought process and since then…I try to immediately release negative thoughts and then use that grace toward my own desires or destiny…

This energy we have is strong and when you speak ill of someone you can indeed maintain the “pull” that story you are telling yourself has on you.

The wild thing i learned from this experience was that I am NOT my stories or my experiences…I can let them go through forgiveness and movement and in the end I find that I am what I think about…who I see and how I do what I do.

My stories are justification…beliefs that only mean as much as we lean on them

Look at your life, your daily habits- you are all those thoughts and those things…

if you are thinking nastly thoughts about others and yourself…then you are a dare I say nasty person… becasue I have come to learn that being kind means… you can address those thoughts in your own head..and heart…and spend time trying to see the situation from as many angles as [possible so that YOUR point of view is just ONE of them and not the only one.)

Then you begin to dilute your Nasty thoughts and ask them kindly to leave becasue as long as you have them… you are them…

I know this becasue I have spent the last 5 years walking though my life and although I am not freinds with everyone in my life..i hold no ill will to anyone…no matter what happened between us and I have asked forgiveness if not personally then spiritually as often as I can until I feel I let them go or vis a versa… becasue Karma is a boomerang and unless you let people go from what they “did” to you” you will hurt them …maybe more that they ever hurt you and then WHO is the VIllian?

Be sweet because you can…and the world need that now…don’t be nasty or mean or sarcastic…becasue it is overplayed…

Be the one that is ok and if you can’t be OK then go and work on trying to be…one relationship at a time.

Xo
S

Kitchen

An Actors Approach to Letting go of a Character to Avoid Personal Psychological Concussions

As an actress I devoted myself to years of intensive training that taught me how to embody any type of character I wanted to portray. The training was based around the concept of tapping in to a thought or belief within my personal life experience that I could then manipulate and repurpose to say and do things that would be convincingly portrayed via a character to the audience. This style of training is successful, yet I also find it capable of causing psychological concussions. Concussions caused by stitching your own personal experiences into the material of a character so seamlessly that you struggle to remember where you end, and your character begins. In my intensive training I was never taught how to tear apart the seams, to separate, to let go, to get out of the character and back in to myself and only myself. I find the omission of this additional training to “fall out of character” fascinating since the ability to let go of a character is part of being able to get another job. So, why wasn’t I taught that? I have my theories!

These physiological concussions are creating repercussions on actors and the society they help mold. The ability to go in and out of a belief system or physical world of one character and into the belief system of another is powerful, playful and at times dangerous. It can be noted in Jim Carey’s documentary, Health Ledger’s experience playing the Joker and Denzel Washington’s journey in Fences to name a few. We should suspect there are countless others if we all dared to look, or they dared to tell. With such a negative social stigma on mental illness it is not safe in the world of acting to admit such a thing, a mental weakness of losing the ability to identify self from character. Perhaps we would train our actors to be better equipped for the life of an actor if we can accept the risks of the business and the management of rewards from success. Leaving yourself open and vulnerable to people in the business, as well as the embodied characters, is dangerous and steps should be made to be more honest with this truth. Perhaps at the very least offer early counsel to parents and talented young souls of where a career in acting can lead.
Much like football we all watch the entertainment with little or no concern for the players. If we cared too much the game lose its luster. As a culture we would have look for another option of entertainment which may not be hard to do however, it would still require a shift in culture. We are starting to hear the desperate concerns from players and their families regarding the long-term ailments from early and repeated concussions. It was only recently that the football world mentioned this and yet it was a known issue, but they would just put the players back on the field until it was publicly addressed.
I love acting and have decided to teach it even though I feel my career as an actor was demonstrative and toxic to my life. I was greatly affected by the psychological concussions caused by acting and they were a heavy burden. They not only impacted many aspects of my life but those of my husband and children as well. The burden was so much to bare and the continual negative outcomes from the concussions created an environment so toxic that I couldn’t maintain a healthy and fulfilling work-life balance. I decided to leave the profession and focus all my love and compassion to raising my children. As my children have grown and their independence has matured I found myself with an opportunity to return to acting which lead to teaching acting.
To part surprise and part dismay I returned only to be haunted by the ghost of the characters I had embodied. Sometimes they are helpful by giving me skills I had yet to learn and other times, because I was a method actor, they put my whole family and everything we had built on the chopping block. How could this be happening even after taking a ten-year long hiatus from the profession? I have pondered this for quite some time and believe it is because of the way I was trained to set up a story for the character and how to format the character. The format demands the character be present in my own life. It parallels a bad habit, an addiction, that now becomes something you must contend with in your own life.
I found myself captivated with the practice of acting and the aspect of movement. I began to create my own concept of training that keeps the acting skills at the forefront of character development but also provides guidance on returning the actor back to neutral- home again, to fully self-identify and unstitch the seam they created to embody their character of choice. My concept is successful and yet my concept creates a dilemma. It is contradictory to the training that many other teachers in my department implement. They rely on the same techniques I was subjected to in my formative years to get the actors to tap in to a very personal place to format a character, yet they do not intend or advise them on the absolute necessity to peel that character away when they are through with the act.
Another challenge I am currently facing is where, do we as teachers, draw the line of acceptable behavior from an actor who has failed to disembody a character? A male student acted out a scene where he portrayed an abusive lover. This actor himself is believed to have attacked a fellow actress at the school. The actress had to leave because of the trauma from the alleged attack. The faculty is aware of the attack and has opted to allow such behavior to happen in the name of artistic expression. Failing to distinguish a realistic attack versus one that was allegedly performed under guise of acting. They can’t seem to distinguish the actor from the character because their belief in the formation of a character doesn’t require such separation.
Parents should question the use of their money being spent on such practices? Are we as teachers at any point obligated to nurture character formation yet also teach the limit of the actions of a character? I have brought my concerns to the school faculty, but the consensus is that no action is required on behalf of the school. I hypothesize that the concepts they rely on to train actors use pain as talent and they refuse to try and find another way to format characters. The issue is that the actors must KNOW THYSELF-know home, self-identify and even more so be taught to know themselves as to create a more defined boundary between them and the character.
Many actors enjoy acting for the opposite reason, it keeps them away from self. If they wear a mask, then there is somewhere to hide physically and emotionally all the while never creating the environment to mature in to their own personal selves. My concept of training teaches the actors to be whole people who have healed their own anger by learning how to get out of character. Know who they are and recognize the natural paths of their own personal maturity. Understand that they are powerful and must respect their abilities or they will become part of the problem. An open and willing actor can find themselves being used and manipulated emotionally without any concern for what they are enduring. Thus, subjecting themselves and those around them to the emotional and psychological concussions from acting. They return to other players in the profession such as agents and managers who don’t delve in to the intentions or practices of the director nor care to, if the actor is getting roles and providing a profit regardless of what those roles represent and the concussions that they are likely to cause.

Kitchen

Hello…acting?

I miss you. I know we had a great time and I know I got worked up a bit but I’ve taken myself out of the running as far as legit work and focused more on student film. Becoming a student myself.

I was just told about another role for a film and it made me smile. The one acting teacher who actually took my class and participated in it asked me to film this with him. I am not sure yet if the director will cast me but the idea of working again made me smile.

I guess you Ae like a lover acting. I have to sometimes let you go – give us space- so we can fall in love again.

I am still interested in that CO-OP Agebcy for actors where we train and also help each other land roles.

They have models of this in the UK and I feel like I would like to connect with a few actors in Miami and build this out…as was my original idea many years ago.

I am going to ask a woman in Miami who is super kind to take my photo and start there. Why do I always say I am not going to act again? Just to keep acting interested in me?
Again…timing——

Kitchen

Hello NYC

Upon landing in the city yesterday it occurred to me that this was ME the REAL ME returning to the city I loved. I left my LARGER WINDOWED WALL studio apartment in 1999 to go home to Miami for thanksgiving which morphed into a boob job which morphed into hesitation upon returning which morphed into working in a few PAID plays in Miami, which morphed into gettin engaged to an old flame, then married and Allon little slow detachments…

And that’s how I left NYC…it kind of happened…I never REALLY ever went back…I subleted out my LARGE WINDOWED WALL studio rent stabilized apartment on 15th and 3rd and rented a one bedroom balcony apartment in MIami Beach…It happened like that…Steve preferred Miami and looking back I have to say the idea of returning to NYC to continue my acting with my new boob additions felt like Pig in lipstick but HOT.:)

NYC to me meant authenticity.where serious actors go….. Miami was FAKE and silly and now I was FAKE..and becoming silly .so I kind of felt more at home in my Home town of 305.

So yesterday when I landed it was the first time since 1999 ( sans implants) that I had been in the CIty without my Implants and to those who have never had them – it meant that my heart was a little closer to the air-the smell- the city and we were beating in unison… and the felling is of being HOME HERE…within myself..reclaiming inch by inch my self.

Letting go of NYC was not easy but my life in Miami was. It it warm and exciting and green and sun filled and sand paved.

Mistakes make us who we are…and help us us appreciate who we aren’t

Kitchen

Letting go …of Botox

I tried Botox a few years ago. It was great all my lines disappeared and my age went down at least five maybe even ten years. It was amazing…the first time when it went well but the constant returning to the Dr’s office became a drag.

“ THose lines must be driving you crazy” She comes toward me with a vile of relief and the movement of this repetitive action begins to scrap at my internal chord. My chord that was growing stronger..or wanted to. THe desire to know myself.

I decided to try and see what life was like without it…it sucked I grew ten years older over night and felt the power of my prowess dissolve. I say the value of the Male Gaze but it was the female smirks I was now receiving.

Lines on anyone’s forehead are starting to drive people crazy it seems and tyrgin to communicate with loved one whose expressions were limited was beginning to bother me.

I have chose to explore the road of agin as best I can without FAKE things in me. Without limiting my movement and without disgracing my experiences. I am ok- I can;t say I am fully at FLOW with it- but I believe it is an aging process more than anything.

I google reasons not to do it just to keep me centered in the journey but it is harder than I imagined frowning OLD in Miami at a day and time when youth and the young hold the power.

I suppose it is part of letting go of a power that perhaps wasn’t mine to begin with because in the end your can’t loose what was never yours.

S

Kitchen

Letting go of … FACEBOOK

About 3 months ago I realized I was very much ONLINE and into facebook!

Then Listened to Zuckerberg during his deposition.

He kept saying, “ I’m sorry “

I decided I didn’t want to be involved in whatever it was he was sorry for.

MId in April 2017 -I went off cold turkey from

Off Facebook
all social media- eventually removed the vlogs I had posted throughout the year and sat still.

The first few days were hard. I didn’t know what to do with my hands or my thoughts. I was just walking in circles suffering from a post social media dayz.

I was reprogramming in a way- a desire to be heard and seen were now being projected back onto be. It was on me…my choice ….to find something that I wanted to fill my mind with. and do and not just sit idly by waiting for information to inspire me to take action.

I also went off news and began to disconnect from all the information I had filled myself with. I journeyed sans audience and sans applause.
It was very lonely in a way- disconnected in a way.

FRom this lonely stillness I began to move slowly and softly and have recently found myself in a little tribe I never knew about and doing movement I never dreamed of.

As a movement person this injects obvious bliss..removed of all outside attraction I go inside and find myself outside again.

S

Kitchen

Letting go of … PERFORMING

Me Myself and I
I studied acting in school since I was in 5th grade. I loved it. Learning how to become another person was fascinating to me and I became an expert at it.

The reason I am not going to “perform” ever again is that it is based on lying and deception. A tool that has allowed me to grow OFF my center. Off my Authentic point.

Learning to become another person to the best of your abilities is freeing as it allows you to look back on your OWN character with new perspective. THe issue is when you PLAY the CHaracter so long that you have forgotten which is the real YOU- the real authentic self.

Charge is powerful- wether it comes from applause or likes or money- It helps you feel like you are alive. THe problem is that sometimes that charge is plugged into the wrong outlet – not LOVE – but rather PAIN- FEAR- SEX- and you are simply creating a FALSE version of yourself.

The healing art of acting -when used to let go of characters rather than add characters is a beautiful tool for me- a process I enjoy sharing with people who desire to KNOW THEMSLEVES FULLY AS WELL.

Kitchen

Letting go … about the S.U.R.F. Process

THe story -the way we connect to ourselves, to each other, to our past and to our future seems like the logical place to start when you want to let go of pain in your life. G0 to the point of entry.

But GO as An actor Goes towards a role. With a notebook and curiosity and lots of respect and love for the story. If you judge it the story will go fuzzy.

I love using music and movement and it has been how I healed ALL my pain. I am not angry or angst UNLESS something enters into my immediate life and it is not for me- THEN I get angry and angst and I address that STORY ASAP. BUT there are no layers involved usually- it is just a toxin that came in and because my air is clean I feel it and it bothers me…and I try and get it out ASAP.

This process came to me through my own personal experiences and yesterday I was pointed in the direction of narrative Psycology and from what I read this is the umbrella of what I came to realize and explore in my SURF MEthod.

As an actor trained to hold story to access emotion I eventually found this troubling when my own father past away and I was holding the pain and the injury and counldn’t understand why I wasn’t letting go.

What was revealed to me was that I was trained to use pain as motivation. Anger as inspiration and I believe now that our society has absorbed this training in our content and as a society are being programmed through our PROGRAMS to do the same.

Subconsciencly i couldn’t let go of the pain because my internal actor was harboring it in her tool kit. I finally found this story within myself and kindly and softly sat down with HER and said. Listen…even if we never act again you can’t carry this pain with you my love, you Won’t make it. She released that was a truth and though my SURF movement process slowly and thus the idea of relief set in.

I learned through this idea personally and by training others that empathetic acting is much more interesting but the only way to insure you aren’t hurting yourself and others by “USING IT” ( a line in acting to tap into your pain and use it for your role) is to know you have cleaned your plate of all the HYPER CHARGE STORIES you have..

LEtting go of anything that you hold as a version of WHO YOU ARE is what this is about and many people do not SEPERATE the STORY from theirselves. If feels like a death, a MELTING away and even having been doing it for years it never gets easier but the process goes faster and the relief lasts longer.

Last night I followed a sign and went to a movement studio in MIami called the Republic of Movement and as we began the first game A smile crossed my face…I found a gold nugget that is in the movement itself kind and not demanding and honest and not forced. Exactly what I have internally found within myself.

MY question was- How do you move from GRACE…well last night I found out…Beautifully and Slowly.