not sure why I do it. Perhaps it is just inevitable to not be good at many things but lately…lately I have been pushing through the ego defying moments..sometimes at the brink of tears from the humiliation but still pushing.
Because for some reason staying humble suits me and what better way to stay humble than to take an advanced dance workshop with a Master. I happen to be connected to a local dance company that asked me to voice a poem for their dance piece. It travels around the world and thus so does my voice.
I took class today with them and from a Master teacher they have visting…no he is a Miami Beacon ……and at one point while we were going across the floor I was left alone with no one to guide me and I felt hopeless. I asked for help and the teacher sent over a few dancers for me to follow.
I was at the brink of tears but I powered through the humiliation and continued on. I was NOT feeling my usual confident self… was feeling like there are worlds beyond me and I respect them from the seat of my soul…
I ended up sitting out the final 5 minutes of class like a bit of a chicken when they combined all the steps together ( 16 counts of twirling and turning and switching directions)
I plan to go back Monday to try and make it the whole class even if I fall to my knees in shame because somehow…reminding myself that there are worlds to learn and even if I pulled a COSBY SHOW ( seems so different now) when the aunt took a class and then in-between( looking like a bit of a fool like I just did ( perhaps often do)) she hired a professional to get her up to speed just so she could do one ruitine full out and amazing only to fall to the floor right after….for those that never saw this.
i was thinking on my way home…that will never be me and all day I was saying how happy with who I am – i am – and not sad about who I am not and slowly the truth of those words seep in…I miss my own dancing…my own room..i plan to get it…
till then I search for space..
I went to the theater and it was locked but then another dancer from class …a cute young kid I was desperately tying to imitate in class…says “what about this door” and it was open and I went in and him and two other dancers came and we talked and I got their names and I was happy.
Maybe somehow being able to be embarrassed in front of people is not a bad thing…it is important… This week- to add onto the ego busting I also saw footage of a movie trailer I did. The director found some really icky angles of me… but I acted really well. Then I was sent photos from a performance of a monologue play I did and the person who sent them. with a text that read… s ” I usually take great photos but these are yucky”
All the photos were of me…and they were yucky!
And then I tried to go to see my friends daughter in a play last night..bought flowers and everything and only to find out it was actually for next week…
I took the flowers home and put them in a vase and felt truly loved by myself.
I can’t remember if I have ever bought myself flowers. It was nice…really nice…I felt so loved by me…regardless of how my image was projecting around the world or universe or no where verse…..I feel calm…and oddly decaffeinated…I took a nap today perhaps from the food I ate ( had onions) or perhaps from the total mental exhaustion of being EGO LESS.