Category: Kitchen


Ego buster

not sure why I do it. Perhaps it is just inevitable to not be good at many things but lately…lately I have been pushing through the ego defying moments..sometimes at the brink of tears from the humiliation but still pushing.

Because for some reason staying humble suits me and what better way to stay humble than to take an advanced dance workshop with a Master. I happen to be connected to a local dance company that asked me to voice a poem for their dance piece. It travels around the world and thus so does my voice.


I took class today with them and from a Master teacher they have visting…no he is a Miami Beacon ……and at one point while we were going across the floor I was left alone with no one to guide me and I felt hopeless. I asked for help and the teacher sent over a few dancers for me to follow.

I was at the brink of tears but I powered through the humiliation and continued on. I was NOT feeling my usual confident self… was feeling like there are worlds beyond me and I respect them from the seat of my soul…

I ended up sitting out the final 5 minutes of class like a bit of a chicken when they combined all the steps together ( 16 counts of twirling and turning and switching directions)

I plan to go back Monday to try and make it the whole class even if I fall to my knees in shame because somehow…reminding myself that there are worlds to learn and even if I pulled a COSBY SHOW ( seems so different now) when the aunt took a class and then in-between( looking like a bit of a fool like I just did ( perhaps often do)) she hired a professional to get her up to speed just so she could do one ruitine full out and amazing only to fall to the floor right after….for those that never saw this.

i was thinking on my way home…that will never be me and all day I was saying how happy with who I am – i am – and not sad about who I am not and slowly the truth of those words seep in…I miss my own dancing…my own room..i plan to get it…

tillt then I seach for space..

I went to the theater and it was locked but then another dancer from class …a cute young kid I was desperately tying to imitate in class…says “what about this door” and it was open and I went in and him and two other dancers came and we talked and I got their names and I was happy.

Maybe somehow being able to be embarrassed in front of people is not a bad thing…it is important… This week- to add onto the ego busting I also saw footage of a movie trailer I did. The director found some really icky angles of me… but I acted really well. Then I was sent photos from a performance of a monologue play I did and the person who sent them. with a text that read… s ” I usually take great photos but these are yucky”

All the photos were of me…and they were yucky!

And then I tried to go to see my friends daughter in a play last night..bought flowers and everything and only to find out it was actually for next week…


I took the flowers home and put them in a vase and felt truly loved by myself.

I can’t remember if I have ever bought myself flowers. It was nice…really nice…I felt so loved by me…regardless of how my image was projecting around the world or universe or no where verse…..I feel calm…and oddly decaffeinated…I took a nap today perhaps from the food I ate ( had onions) or perhaps from the total mental exhaustion of being EGO LESS.


I heard my racism….loud and clear….

becoming WOKE is not fun…it is a series of gross blows to myself that sometimes sending me reeling… Are these MY thoughts? …..Where did I find them….who gave them to me? Why did they stick? Perhaps they are in the ether and I am speaking the thinking…….I purge them ..but the pain in the sound of the screeching ….burns my ears…

I am going to be renting a space in a building…in building that is NOT built by whiteness…”I think it is gritty and has a vibe I can create from”…do I?…do I?….or do I really mean it isn’t DONE and I can build it better?

What more can I be guilty of….privileged discord within me…I check myself again and again and can’t get past the front door without it creeping up and I don’t want to hear it but I know it is a cleansing process…

Being WOKE…my throat is swollen with venom and I spit..I pray I haven’t let it sit too long…I pray I can be forgiven for this trace thought processes of being better or capable of upgrading-others…oh Susie…sometimes you have got to just SHUT your Little Mind up and Dance… then you’ll center it all…reset…begin again.


HYPER- slightly

I calmed down a litle…just a little and I got a call from my DR. He said that his tests are saying the same as my original blood work and that I am HYPER…slightly in my thyroid.

I am not sure why this seems like a relief…He is still waiting for the biopsy but hyper people tend to have nodules…so here is hoping.

I really think gong off EGGS..well off a million eggs a day was important for me bc my number went down and I think that was what it was from…or the supplements…but I am going off all the supplement for 8 weeks and we will retest and see where we are.

I am a very spastic patient…and yoga is a necessary thing for me bc I can convince myself that ANYTHING anything ANYTHING is true…

Thus the ACTOR-

I feel spastic today…not that this is a clean bill of health but it is something got work on and I can do that….I can totally do that.



“Do you know what’s in here? You shouldn’t take something unless you know what it is…” he said..with a smirk

I had placed all the supplements on the counter and with the one that was a cow thyroid bovine….that was a supplement prescribed by my ::chiropractic neurologist::” he warned against it…”Do you know what’s in here? You shouldn’t take something unless you know what it is…” he said..with a smirk. Later I will find out bc it is not FDA approved. That smirk and the fact that the way he flippantly told me what he thought my diagnosis was paired with the fact that he doesn’t see diet as part of the story with Thyroid…I don’t expect to return…


I was already hysterical. Internally hysterical…and it was ooozing out…

I was nervous about this day …this appointment…and even though I meditated for 20 minutes before I walked into the kitchen… Steve and I had gotten into an argument in minutes about a money issue and ..I was asking him to lay off but it was too late – we were in it….and so the morning had started like most mornings…Stressed..arguing. This is something that makes Steve feel better bc he gets stuff off his chest but it makes me more stressed out… I have asked if we can table those conversations till later in the day.

Sitting in the Dr, Office private office he said the Nodule was large and that he was going to Biopsy it. I was just sitting there,..Steve next to me…there,,,but not my DAD there….and then the Dr. asks about the supplements I am taking and I showed them to him.

Thyrophin by standard process

Chaste tree by standard process

Ovex by standard process

Dermatrophin by standard process

J.crows Ligols solution ( 2% Distilled water potassium iodine 4% iodine2%)


Glucosamine hyalironic Avis

Gentle iron

K2 and D3

Evening primrose1300x2

Turmeric liquid

Calcium citrate plus with magnesium

He was only concerned really with the Iodine ( which i added from my own research and which I instantly felt better from -either with a tiny amount of drops n water or on my wrist) and the Bovine Thyroid…non FDA approved Thyrophin.

I was crying …I used the two last tissues he had..from his desk… ( tissues on Desks…not . a great sign..not great tissues…) This Dr. was totally unable to truly connect but again I was finally letting all of this out…in this guys office….while Steve sat next to me but almost like when we drove to the hospital from the PIE I ate too much of…he wasn’t really really there somehow…like his body is there but he disappeared …..or cold or distant or logical…( half on his phone) and I was unable to form a sentence.. Where were my warm blooded huggers to hold me…I felt alone …in a room and at times like this… it could feel that way.

” You shouldn’t take anything you don’t know what’s in it..yeah this may affect your blood work and then iodine…no stop that too…”

I felt like a fool…for a moment..

“But the food ..I mean the kinds of food..I mean…what kind of food.” I Tried to form coherent sentences. I was overwhelmed….I was a mess…I was scared….

He took me to get my blood wok done and then bc of my insurance will send it out for processing… to Quest Labs and then we went to his office and I laid down and he took a sonogram ( another one from the one I took that my Chiropractic Dr ordered bc she saw something ( my regular DR, had just said my numbers were a little low…and even though I had mentioned my symptoms over the years…specifically my extreme PMS or moodiness…this thyroid sonogram was never ordered…( my check up was in May and I had a lump in May she didn’t notice but I had heard a Journalist on TV thank a tv watcher for saving his life by saying she was a nurse and from watching him on TV she saw it ) but the lack of connection bc my numbers or because I push through…and order medicinal mary Jane..My General Dr. never thought to ask for a sonogram of my thyroid….. which I hear is normal bc my numbers were normal and honestly I wasn’t putting the pieces together… and anyway….I have a very large thyroid…

He first feel my throat and says…it is actually large on both sides and then I remove my little S neck-lass I just got fixed..give it to Steve and lay down and he looks at his screen picture of my thyroid and he instantly says

“This looks like Hashimoto’s “he says with a weird kind of joy and escalation. It sounds like he is joking a laugh and I sit up and he says “yep, that’s what it looks like” and I cry Hysterical into my hands….

Steve is there but not my dad there and I am crying and gathering my tears in a hard napkin from the metal dispenser…it hurts…I hurt…I am shocked and sad…Steve is stoic and taking mental notes…hard and detailed…

I lay back down and with the machine on my throat ( fuck this month has been insane…I had the first sonogram three weeks ago and a MRI on my breast ( some weird protocol my general DR. told me to do bc on Mom) Tuesday and now this on Friday and Jaedon had a ECHO Cardio the week in-between…like my grandmother used to say…when she was going to see her doctors… I am going to see my Boy friends.)

“see it looks like Swiss should be smooth…and this nodule…it doesn’t look cancerous…but we will make sure and may even be the Hashimoto’s and not a nodule…just a really inflamed thyroid from the Hashimoto’s..”

“You see?” he says as he turns the screen to show me

..I have tears running down the side of my face…I see it…I fucking see the Swiss chess part of me that is unable to keep these tears from flowing down down down my face…yep..I got it…

“next is the Biopsy…” he clips

How long have I had this…?

“it is big…it could be ten years…maybe longer”

So when I had my kids…

I don’t know..maybe longer

And as far as food…what do I not eat…is this hyper or hypo or If this is Hashimoto’s what do I eat or don’t eat and

“.food has nothing to do with this.” He says..

and out of respect for him…somehow Steve chimes in with “He’s a doctor” and then I ask more questions and although I am happy I was able to get in to see him so soon I feel dismissed “unheard” and then he confirms my disconnect with him by restating…food is not the issue and that I would maybe take a synthetic thyroid… from Pharma

“oh like the cow thyroid in Thyrophin” i say

“no this is approved my FDA and synthetic.. or maybe a radioactive iodine. if it turns out to be Graves.” he goes on

He doesn’t look that old but I feel his old thoughts and they aren’t aligned but I try and be polite…

He then takes a cold spray and sprays my neck and then puts three needles in my throat and then I sit up and he says…again..well it could be that the nodule we see is really still the Hoshimoto’s and it is large and formed line a nodule..doesn’t look like cancer but we will get the lab work back..i will be out of town in Italy..first trip in forever and so my partner will call you with the results…

Thank you DR. and we leave…

stand in the parking lot ( we took two cars- Steve had golf and fit this in which was My Aunt’s rewust for me to have someone there…which was a great idea) Steve is kind of cold with health issues…doesn’t think you need to over think them and shuts down over health issues.. .he isn’t good with this be being stressed and yet….that is what all this thyroid stuff causes physically……

I cry with the car as he begs me to stop taking the supplements and the iodine bc the Dr said they may actually mess with the blood work.

I agree…kind of…to stop …I get in my car I cry hysterical..I call Heather I call my mom I call my Aunt …I call my dear friend.. I need woman’s hug….Steve hugs and supports but I am too much..

And the papers the Doctor gave us as we were int he office on HYPO or Hoshimoto’s talks about heavy or irregular periods and Steve asked asked him

“could my extreme emotional PMS be a side affect of this…whole thing..?”

They are different hormones but if you are having issue from you thyroid with your hormones and then you have the Menstrual shift it can be affecting it and pushing it over the top” yes.

WHY DIDN’t THE DOT’s GET PUT TOGEther sooner… just found several books that speak about heavy bleeding and hormones and thyroid…and

i digress or progess

It is 5 am now…this story fresh in my head wanted to be on paper…I am up…I put a little iodine on my wrist…i feel better…i don’t know.. this year …this is what this will be about…for me…

Steve told me he isn’t going to work for Patrick… that he was asked to be a point man at Asset mark and that he is happy about being recognized.

i am hard on Steve…on myself…I hope that this new understanding of a huge thing I have going on will slowly guide me to a better more even keel life…

Food wise I was off everything up until tow days ago…till the stress pushed me over…but I am done with my little trial I am not interested in testing if FOOD affect me or not…HELLO.

…the coffee was decaf and I had two sips and it was gross…the drinks …the tiny bit of quesadilla…the cheese, the bread…etc…

…I am back on it. no gluten, no coffee, no dairy. and will go and see a second opinion on Thursday Morning…regardless if I get my result back from the first Dr. or not…

I think I need to find a holistic approaching person that is both medical and aware that food causes issues.. The Next Doctor I see on Thursday will be the opinion of a female and her posted reviews all talk about the diet she put her patients on.


now what

to say I went un scathed would be a lie. to those who have a sense of humor about themselves…we are all good…to those who can’t allow for another point of view then I bid farwell…with love

My show is a way…the play is said…I said it…

I am in holding now…having to do a lot of house keeping…clean up and organize and check off the boxes…a month or so in debt payments for going away….for exploring…there is a payment plan a price…

To be honest it annoys me but i understand…being responsible is being responsible and so I must be that even more.

i am home awaiting o never arriving Hurricane and it is a guest I am happy chose another journey. I am aware that life is sweet and precious and kind and special and at times I remember this…I feel

now…Like I am in rest mode…check up mode…finding out about a thyroid issue and checking on my sons heart and teeth and then my MRI and will I do a genetic test and all this…just to stay alive and be here and off coffee AGAIN

had a headache today but keep drinking water and relaxing and it went away…boys have a major school less week because of NO hurricane hurricane…

out of the cone…chilling…




Last two days SOLO in Edinburgh…

Last two days bullet points…of how I spent them

I cleaned some of the house to prep for my leaving the next day

I decided to wear a jumpsuit from Anatomie and met with Tim Marriot

He had two freinds 

Joe and Marshal

Long time Edinburgh Festival Pro-folk

I bought them all a drink and we sat and talked

Marshal sent my photo to Sarah Silverman his friend bc he said I look like her

We hung out

Tim purchased the next round

And an eggplant pizza at the Assembly bar

We argued about philosophy and talked about his play he wants to bring to Florida

Then we all walked through the town

And Joe said he may come see my show

I ate food at Edinburgh cafe and did my mocha latte and had marshmallows

Tjasa brought a group to the play

I had a nice audience

I was alone 

No other promoters

Just Susie it was peaceful and I felt calm…this was comfortable…

I was loving my costume

So so happy about that

I did the show

It was a little unplugged – a bit more….performance art  area a little

I can see how I can dissolve the wall more like they did

The people I saw yesterday at Dance Base

I got it

It is less scripted


Luke, Karl, Jordan and Angel…I miss the whole SPACE 45 team…they were kind and loving and soooooo sweet to me

Tim and Joe came after the play but they but couldn’t see the play

Bc joe has sad news but how sweet that they wanted to tell me in person

I told them if I did the their play in Florida could it end a little different

As something new

Then Tjasa and her friends

Lizzy and Anne Marie and Ellen and I went to Ramon

I felt bad

Mason wanted to go there!!

Had soup laughed then went to free Fringe which was right down from where I stood all night

It was spoken. Word

It was very cool

I left

Early and drove home alone to the house- the final day

Took remaining 

1000 of postcards to recycling

Went to Jupiter Artland

A music fest weekend was ending

I had lunch at the cafe 

Soup and fries

I walked most of the ground

Took photos

Drove off proud of my independence 

A car behind me was Honking at me

I was wondering why

Turn out the trunk to my van was open

I drove to Edinburgh

I found parking a little off the normal road

I sat in my car and waited

I wasn’t sure if I should venture back in 

I chose to just go in for a bite but then I 

Had a cafe mocha and felt amazing

Went to check out mile 2 in space 39/ Radison

Air conditioning and angled stage

I then walked up the mile

Listened to music 

From a street performer 

I bought four cds

Then saw a person with a dance base Bag and took her Flyer

I then went to the thrift store that

Omar who Maria and met told us about 

I purchased a dress/ cover up for soho house for Heather…??

I walked to the dance space and ended up seeing an extra dance show with a company from Hong Kong

About the relationship between a dancer and choreographer- laughed the whole time.

Then I watched Paul Sanger a performance artist as dance base and realized I am a version of that- he had the audience participating in the play as a cll back to every time he said where he was from we would repeat it with a Welsh /Leeds Accept…it worked and the audience as engaged from the start…smart move…he talked the whole time -as he danced…it was dance theater I guess…I want Jewbana to fall into that category and be performed at that theater- Dance Base…

Then I grabbed a soup from the place we met Omar to go at the little place we found with Omar and the pelt and ran and broke a glass that was left on the floor as I went to see Paul Currie…the comedian

And walked super fast to catch the final show i would see there…by the skin of my teeth

I watch it

He was like the Dancer Actor Phil and like me but messy and less polished but wild and very robin Williams circa Mork and Mindy

The same conversation

Be nice

Kind to yourself

He appeared in a flower head like Olga’s work

I ran to my car parked in a questionable location and the navigation was frozen….i feared this into being but then i burst it with faith and my phone showed me the way!!!

Drove to the hotel ( on the opposite side of the road in the black of night) and then checked in and then to the car rental and returned the car and then walked right across to the Hilton double tree 

And took my first real bath ( not show) and laid down…

I Hear a song play on the tv that was from Miami motels and I slept and woke at 3

Walked to airport 

Waited to check in and then 

Picked up a wheat wrap with hummus

I have eaten bread every day since Steve left but feel good

Bread here is Better

Arrived in Miami after an amazing flight with LOTS of LEG ROOM

i arrive at Fort Lauderdale at 3pm and Steve swoops me up and I am home…I have a week of adjustment and acceptance and faith and now…i am here…it is done…moving on…


till next year



I have been home 5 days.,..I have argued with Steve for 4 of them…like a typical cat being placed in her Home I am reluctant to return to normal and the Home keeper the one I know built this with me..ME …it is ME…….we pay the price..for letting me out…always.

I am sad to say I function better in La La land…I am happiest there because there are others like me..i am isolated here in this house…so quiet and clam and peaceful….

I want the energy of Edinburgh here…I wish for that here in my heart in my soul…I hope I can build it here…

I loved doing my one woman show…I want to build it out more physically…I want to create more movement to it…I want to unplug it and allow myself to find new items in it..on my own.

I am sad it is over…I know it had to end…all things….and I am happy I ventured to that part of the world and although it is . a cruel reminder of how desperate I am to play in the creative…in My creative …on my own in my own voice….I am happy I saw that world….it makes me realize I was not wishing for a thing that wasn’t possible…it IS possible…a CITY that adores theater and can’t wait to have more and more of it..and artist who wanted to do the same…it felt like artist up was the theme…

It was a month long festival of the ARTS…..a place that celebrated new voices and new stories….i want that for MIami….more of it…in a way that isn’t about rewards but participation and support… People wanting to come here and play….see plays….engage and create….


Press From Jewbana


1/3 into the Edinburgh Festival Fringe. 2019

My family is still here…Nedra is gone…we are joining together and working well. I am TIRED…I am feeling it…and it is not even close to being through. Steve is saying WHY did I decide to do three weeks…I am thinking because when in Rome…and now I am thinking…I am going to be super fit by the end of this run..

I am not eating the best these past two days…lost my cutting edge discipline in the tiredness..

Did take a run through the area today and it was lovely…a church, a battle field, a stream and cemetery all behind the house we are renting…

We rented a home in Tranent…it is 25 minutes from Edinburgh…I am happy we have is very relaxed and comfy and I am going to learn to drive this week…on the other side of the road..

Mason and Jaedon have really gotten into the flying and have been more than helpful…they have a chant their AUNT Nedra taught them and they are working it..we tried to go earlier the past two days…to see how much difference it makes but I guess there is never a clear answer.

I am hoping for a review…I have been told that my piece is an the path of performance art..and I am realizing that maybe that is what I have… a PERFORMANCE ART PIECE..

I didn’t think of it that way but the people here think that…

It is landing ok tonight..SUSIE’s list of demands was a hot wet mess today..each day. am sweater and sweatier…and today it was dissolving as I read it off.

I need to fix that…somehow/

I am feeling…challenged…we had nice audience …I saw Jaedon in the sound booth…lost my footing..still have issue with him being my kryptonite.

I was told that the play is similar to a BURNS poem about seeing yourself the way other’s see you…sounds smart and wise..I feel like I am connected to the

I am working on how to just get through the show…I am a sweaty mess… I need to take time to dry off..on stage…or else I will really be a wolfman.

I am feeling great…I am proud of myself…I know the show was not as sweet as it was yesterday…but it is all becoming…day by day..

I am building it..

I am HERE and I am working this town…as best as I can…at the moment… tomorrow we go for a hike…on the hill outside of Edinburgh



Edinburgh Festival Fringe 2019- and Jewbana

I arrived here with my family on the 5th of August. we picked up Nedra at the hotel she stayed the night in ( she arrived a day early) and we then drove on the opposite side of the road to our home..away from home and yet…it feels so much like home so quickly.

We rented an air b and b in Tranent…about a 25 min ride outside of Edinburgh. it is a home it is comfy it has a great kitchen and lots of rooms and bathrooms and the town is adorable and not too old town…very modern and hip.

We rehearsed int the house on the 6th and the 7th…about 10 hours in total. getting Nedra and I up to speed on where the show was. Nedra grabbed what we had done in Miami and with the song addition of IF YOU KNEW SUSIE and added in the burlesque moves for the transitions which was where the show kept falling flat.

I found my lines ( mostly;) We have changed the script so many times and I have added in so many that it was a bit hard to add int he new parts for heather and JIM. ( not his real name)

then on the 8th we had a tech rehearsal but we had to get the theater s few copies of the script. We had a little bit of an issue with this and I was getting on edge and then Nedra asked for coffee while we were late and that kind of book ethe camels back and we got into a fight.

It lasted only a few minutes and the work pulled us past ourselves.

She did an amazing job and Steve ended up buying her a coffee and just being a total gem.

then Steve took over the flying and postering lead. He met with Nick at the SPACE and got a game plan. He then picked us up and we went home and got the boys and then got ready for the show that night.

They flyer for 2 hours and I had 5 people the first night and 15 the second ( around that) and then tonight I had three.

they reduced the flying to 1 hour before the show but…We shall see.

Yesterday we actually had a photo shoot from 12-2. in the church and the theater lobby at the space. WE got kicked ut of the theater and then had some great photos taken by a photographer my press agent got me.

He was talented and I suspect the shots will be very good – egg inferno too Jesus…Heather a the alter in Roller blades and Jim in a guy outfit as well as Nedra and I at the space in the lobby and me in the outfit from the show eating the pie and stretching on the railing..

The second night the audience was amazing and kind and I was enjoying myself a lot. Tonight it was intimate and I ran the show as best I have…I have 12 more performances ..needless to say it will get better and better.

I hope the boys have the script and the technicians know how to call the show and that all goes well.

I am proud in a humbling way of the work I have done on this show. I have produced, written, stared and feel fully committed and seen and like I have left nothing on the table.

I am drenched at the end of the show. I am tired I am exhausted and it runs a good 45 is a fun show…people in the audience smile…one guy looked at his watch but that’s something I have to accept and understand… I love my work…

Nedra is leaving tomorrow…I am sad about it…I am going to be ok…Maria is coming in a few days and then Christina and they will be super helpful…

Steve …and the boys….I could cry just thinking about it…have been so kind and loving….Jeadon was a little sad about not staying till the end of camp but them last night we talked and he was able to get over it..or maybe it was that camp ended for everyone and there is nothing to be sad about now…

They have been flying and helping and Steve…I think…there is something about this play and him helping and driving everywhere ( on the wrong side of the road) that has been so sexy and helpful and just totally affirming…

the feeling I have now is AIR…space…nothing…

I have fed a giant within me…I ma doing a one woman show and I am loving it…I am fully DOING it…all of it…and it is such a powerful freeing feeling to do…I am sure others who have done this know what I am talking about but to those that are thinking of doing it…wondering if it will really mean THAT much …change your understanding of self THAT much…well…YES…so far..yes..

I was terrified to do my first run at the soho house in their gym space while it was being refurbished and then again I was like WHAT…at the Miami Light box and now…Now I see here in Edinburgh I am ding it and it is becoming …something I do…like a gig…like a job…

I suspect we will go in early on Monday and see more plays and then from there I will be able to flyer and then into the show….althougth it has been nice staying home till about 5..

today we went to eat at a place Nedra’s friend ( who I know as well) told us about called THE ROOST. Her friends cousin owns it.

it was yummy..

Tomorrow Steve is taking Nedra to the Airport and then gig to see a famous gold course and then we are all gong to go to a hike he saw…outside of the city.

Monday I have the opportunity to perform on a stage and do a little snip of the show…I am excited about it /terrified but like not really..

Par too this is like I am going through something I have already gone oh yeah..I know this…I feel it may be like this because I have been meant to do this for so long now…

Steve is smiling when he looks at me…he sees me happy and content in a massive way..

I am going to bed…It is 1:23 am

I love my life…

I love it all…..each space between the morsels of it…