Category: CAUSES

CAUSES

Letting go …of Botox

I tried Botox a few years ago. It was great all my lines disappeared and my age went down at least five maybe even ten years. It was amazing…the first time when it went well but the constant returning to the Dr’s office became a drag.

“ THose lines must be driving you crazy” She comes toward me with a vile of relief and the movement of this repetitive action begins to scrap at my internal chord. My chord that was growing stronger..or wanted to. THe desire to know myself.

I decided to try and see what life was like without it…it sucked I grew ten years older over night and felt the power of my prowess dissolve. I say the value of the Male Gaze but it was the female smirks I was now receiving.

Lines on anyone’s forehead are starting to drive people crazy it seems and tyrgin to communicate with loved one whose expressions were limited was beginning to bother me.

I have chose to explore the road of agin as best I can without FAKE things in me. Without limiting my movement and without disgracing my experiences. I am ok- I can;t say I am fully at FLOW with it- but I believe it is an aging process more than anything.

I google reasons not to do it just to keep me centered in the journey but it is harder than I imagined frowning OLD in Miami at a day and time when youth and the young hold the power.

I suppose it is part of letting go of a power that perhaps wasn’t mine to begin with because in the end your can’t loose what was never yours.

S

CAUSES

Letting go of … FACEBOOK

About 3 months ago I realized I was very much ONLINE and into facebook!

Then Listened to Zuckerberg during his deposition.

He kept saying, “ I’m sorry “

I decided I didn’t want to be involved in whatever it was he was sorry for.

MId in April 2017 -I went off cold turkey from

Off Facebook
all social media- eventually removed the vlogs I had posted throughout the year and sat still.

The first few days were hard. I didn’t know what to do with my hands or my thoughts. I was just walking in circles suffering from a post social media dayz.

I was reprogramming in a way- a desire to be heard and seen were now being projected back onto be. It was on me…my choice ….to find something that I wanted to fill my mind with. and do and not just sit idly by waiting for information to inspire me to take action.

I also went off news and began to disconnect from all the information I had filled myself with. I journeyed sans audience and sans applause.
It was very lonely in a way- disconnected in a way.

FRom this lonely stillness I began to move slowly and softly and have recently found myself in a little tribe I never knew about and doing movement I never dreamed of.

As a movement person this injects obvious bliss..removed of all outside attraction I go inside and find myself outside again.

S

CAUSES

Letting go of….my Implants

Getting by FAKE boobs to find my Real self.

The TRUTH about who I was and what I had become and dealing with finding my way home again. It was a time of slow moving steps and following kindness and the Femanine and eventually ending up here with scars on my REAL breasts.

As I began to understand the industry I was in from many angles I also began to see the truth in what Has become of me. I put the implants in after a producer mentioned to a director that they were concerned about my breast. THey were little and part of a topless scene I had no business doing – THe producer of my NEXT PLAY came and saw my performeve and my breast along with the rest of the world and rightfully so he was concerned. I had lost a quick 10 pounds to play the role and on top of that I was a fitness trainer. I was left with empty sacks and they looked well..not perky.

THis concerned him because I was about to play a young 20 something ( which I was) and I guess there was another topless scene ( I was cornering the market) WHy not?

SO when the DIrector cornered me in my tiny kitchen in my NYC apartment and looked at me and said…”we are concerned…well the producer is concerned…he asked me what I thought about your breasts.”

( this was a closing night party for the play I was currently in and this director had just cast me in his new play- a modern day version of Uncle Vanya to be produced at Studio 54…technically broadway or the closest I had gotten to )

We were standing in the KITCHEN again…always starts there- I was closing the role of Helen of Troy so looking back probably more HELEN Than Susie When I hear this NOTE and OUR drives to be the best set in and I became determined to FIX the problem.

I went home to Miami and went to a doctor. He suggested a lift but I didn’t want scars ( ya know topless scenes and all) and so I said what are my options and there you have it..I got my boobs. I always loved big boobs but honestly the moment I saw them on me I knew they weren’t mine but my mom told me to wait it out..I did..

I ended up NEVER returning to NYC and getting married and having kids ( THANK GOODNESS- if I would get bibs ha I mean BOOBS for a role what else was a capable of?)

The boobs served me well in Miami and I learned to love them and use them to the best of my abilities until after the second kid was 11 I realized I Have fully and truly waited it out…and I was finished being the SEXY SUSIE – I wanted something else and thus these BOOBS they had to go.

It took a while to find the right Doctor that would allow me to process out the way I needed. From a draining of the saline to the explanation to the lift. ( she is still convinced I won’t be happy and will return in a year for the implants because she knows how many other women can’t go the long hall without the power of thos boobies…a fix that once you experience you KNOW what your are REALLY missing out on )

BUt since MY boob explanation was part of a fuller journey of self it has a platform to rest on. I have other desires that demand NOT FAKE anything and in that I have become super content with my tiny ta tas- they are not in the way and allow me to move through the world without too much MALE GAZE from men and WOMEN…

That song Tits and Ass is TRUE- 100% and I am happy I found it out myself and was able to undue it for myself as well.

CAUSES

Letting go of… the Male Gaze

No Home for the Feminine

About a year and a half ago I learned I wanted to hang out with ONLY WOMEN-

– I was working on a play about the intense relationship between Bettie Page and Bunny Yeager and I started to feel that they used their sexuality to get ahead and in that I realized they were quite cruel to themselves and others and maybe I was too.

The Male Gaze revealed itself to me and I wanted to explore the impact it had on my life. How was a using and being used by the Male Gaze

The question was where in my life can I be go to AVOID IT?

I wanted to know the value of speaking directly to a group of women.

I considered FACEBOOK-

I spent a day removing 500 men from my facebook page, including my husband and what I found was that over the course of the year I was able to be more sincere in my videos…without placing the air of Secuality on what I was doing…in order to give it value…( something I didn’t realize I have always done)

I found that most of my life I have used my sexuality as a crutch or a sword to gain position and now speaking to women..I began to see who I was without that GAZE- without the need to implore my sexual energy to gain attention.

My facebook videos become super honest and direct and I started to see a softer version of Susie in the public eye and it was refreshing and freeing.

This understanding that I was powered and empowered through the MALE GAZE led me on a personal journey to unplug form it in every way and to every degree I could without sacrificing my authentic self.

IT took a year but I believe I have explored a life without the gaze and the detox of being without it and the joy of knowing the addiction of it and the calmness of not needing it or wanting it as I know it is a doorway to a path I have fully explored.

I yearn for newness in my life now-

S

CAUSES

Letting go of… bibbitec

The bibbitec bib that I created and took to Shark Tank.
Being a creative is amazing..it allows you to consider you can do anything and be anything …but the reality is that is not true…I can not really BE anything…I am already something…

Yes I can invent a bib, Yes I can get on a TV show, Yes I can commit to my business beliefs and turn down an offer ( never seen on the show itself)

Yes I can pretend to be moral and upstanding about something I pretended to care about but the truth is…in the end…

As my father said…” you know nothing about this business”
I could have taken that to heart but instead I took it as a challenge and set out to prove how I could do it- how I was of value in the monetary world.

But getting out of that “Challenge” that CHaracter is what was head-

Because I had that five minute of fame on SHark Tank I created a thread with one of the most famous TV shows. IT gave my idea an international presence and even some four years later keeps airing..

I think I even have a membership to SOHO house because of it so how could I Let that go..?

The truth is the Fame is not my purpose. I am a problem solver and a healer like my father and I had a respect for the performing because part of my family were singers but in the end… I am most happy one on one and in my own company or healing people.

Plus bibbitec was in the end a business and from my experience you CAN NOT be a fullly ethical or altruistic person rather in business. You just can’t! There are corners and ideas you have to soften in order to move on and so staying TRUE to your mission is not always best for business and usually your mission is based on an idea. Like mine was..that in the end FALSE

FOr example. Made in America was important to me because CHina had made toxic baby toys my kids played one…( wa this all a revenge scheme) but in the end we have prisons filled with innocent people getting paid pennies to make MADE IN AMERICA for private companies and so by promoting made in AMERCIA I ended up promoting something I didn’t want to align with. ( The factory I used wasn’t a prison but they had to drop bibbitec * and 300 other small business) because prison factories were out bidding them for other deals and so they had to return to working fully with the military …which also- I have heard can hire those prisons to build their stuff I am told)

SO what I am saying is that my truth is a desire to live to my own moral compas in all aspects of my life. With my friends, with my family, with my work. It has led me here..to writing..just me and the screen creating a two way conversation involving my soul searching journey.

S

CAUSES

Letting go of … PERFORMING

Me Myself and I
I studied acting in school since I was in 5th grade. I loved it. Learning how to become another person was fascinating to me and I became an expert at it.

The reason I am not going to “perform” ever again is that it is based on lying and deception. A tool that has allowed me to grow OFF my center. Off my Authentic point.

Learning to become another person to the best of your abilities is freeing as it allows you to look back on your OWN character with new perspective. THe issue is when you PLAY the CHaracter so long that you have forgotten which is the real YOU- the real authentic self.

Charge is powerful- wether it comes from applause or likes or money- It helps you feel like you are alive. THe problem is that sometimes that charge is plugged into the wrong outlet – not LOVE – but rather PAIN- FEAR- SEX- and you are simply creating a FALSE version of yourself.

The healing art of acting -when used to let go of characters rather than add characters is a beautiful tool for me- a process I enjoy sharing with people who desire to KNOW THEMSLEVES FULLY AS WELL.

CAUSES

Letting go … about the S.U.R.F. Process

THe story -the way we connect to ourselves, to each other, to our past and to our future seems like the logical place to start when you want to let go of pain in your life. G0 to the point of entry.

But GO as An actor Goes towards a role. With a notebook and curiosity and lots of respect and love for the story. If you judge it the story will go fuzzy.

I love using music and movement and it has been how I healed ALL my pain. I am not angry or angst UNLESS something enters into my immediate life and it is not for me- THEN I get angry and angst and I address that STORY ASAP. BUT there are no layers involved usually- it is just a toxin that came in and because my air is clean I feel it and it bothers me…and I try and get it out ASAP.

This process came to me through my own personal experiences and yesterday I was pointed in the direction of narrative Psycology and from what I read this is the umbrella of what I came to realize and explore in my SURF MEthod.

As an actor trained to hold story to access emotion I eventually found this troubling when my own father past away and I was holding the pain and the injury and counldn’t understand why I wasn’t letting go.

What was revealed to me was that I was trained to use pain as motivation. Anger as inspiration and I believe now that our society has absorbed this training in our content and as a society are being programmed through our PROGRAMS to do the same.

Subconsciencly i couldn’t let go of the pain because my internal actor was harboring it in her tool kit. I finally found this story within myself and kindly and softly sat down with HER and said. Listen…even if we never act again you can’t carry this pain with you my love, you Won’t make it. She released that was a truth and though my SURF movement process slowly and thus the idea of relief set in.

I learned through this idea personally and by training others that empathetic acting is much more interesting but the only way to insure you aren’t hurting yourself and others by “USING IT” ( a line in acting to tap into your pain and use it for your role) is to know you have cleaned your plate of all the HYPER CHARGE STORIES you have..

LEtting go of anything that you hold as a version of WHO YOU ARE is what this is about and many people do not SEPERATE the STORY from theirselves. If feels like a death, a MELTING away and even having been doing it for years it never gets easier but the process goes faster and the relief lasts longer.

Last night I followed a sign and went to a movement studio in MIami called the Republic of Movement and as we began the first game A smile crossed my face…I found a gold nugget that is in the movement itself kind and not demanding and honest and not forced. Exactly what I have internally found within myself.

MY question was- How do you move from GRACE…well last night I found out…Beautifully and Slowly.

CAUSES

Letting go of…Your Story

I was the lead in a play a few years ago and during one final run before we opened I made an internal independent decision to make the character more forgiving.

After the run we sat for our notes and our director just stood there. All the hard work we had rehearsed the past three week was gone. Nothing. He was not even mad it seemed he was just helpless.

Before he began to give the notes I raised my hand. I said, “ That was my bad.” He looked at me and said “Thank you for being able to own that and never do that again.”

See-

None of the other actors could play their part because I wasn’t playing mine. The DRAMA we were trying to play out became a light hearted story. Not what the director was going for-

Change your ROle Change the Genre of your story.
We can’t remove stories in our lives. That would be more of a denial situation and can get really dangerous but we can decide to change our role in the story as soon as possible.

Try playing the Character that doesn’t allow the other actors to play against you.

The STORIES stay the same but your part in them shifts and if you are willing to let go of

How can you do this in your own DRAMAs?

CAn YOU make an independent internal decision to be a more forgiving character in one of your Stories?

Would that be so bad? What would you gain? What would your loose?
What Role would you be and would that be OK? Woul should still exist if you chose a different motivation?

LOVE SUSIE