Author: Susie Taylor

Kitchen

HEY OLD SELF.

I finally got around to watching Tully. IT reminded me of a sketch I wrote and filmed about four years ago. It was such a special moment in my life and I worked with such a special women. Unforntualy I wasn’t able to keep her close and we have since separated but maybe that is the truth…you can’t keep all of you when you are evolving…
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=YDqZljVP86sA ROOM OF MY OWN.

Here is the full script…FULL SCRIPT READ ALONGI loved this time of my life- right before I entered back into acting and now…as I exit…the process begins again…I think IT IS TIME I write a new skit…where the older susie in this story meets up with me.

I MISS MY OLDER SUSIE——

Kitchen

Hello …Hoʻoponopono

The prayer of Ho’oponopono is as I learned it to let go of the TIDES the generational pain you carry so as to not transfer them to the next one. IT is based on the idea of the lineage of emotional pain.

You say the name of the person that you have an “issue with” ( past or present
Then say
Please forgive me
I am sorry
I love you
Thank you

You will find that it is difficult for you to do for certain people and those are the people you need to keep saying this to until you don’t have difficulty doing it.

For me it was like I was slowly releasing  myself from a rope that was tied around my neck and with each repetition over time it was a thread that broke until I was free and so was the person I did the prayer for…

THe prayer is Hawaiian and it was given to me by a Reike teacher who told me to say it for the people I claim have hurt me. At the time the list was long. I was late 30ths and I had a colorful life and in it there were missteps but the thing about this prayer, for lack of a better word is that it changed the villain from them to me…it gave me a sense of responsibility in the relationship because for one reason or another I was still holding onto it in a negative way. IT needed a correction if I wanted to be set free and who better to set yourself free than your own self.

It was about ME asking for forgiveness of the “people who wronged me” and in that I slowly began to realize that I had created extended pain and stress in my body by holding others in their characters—-their roles in my life. My negative thoughts had warm homes becasue I gave them that place in my body. I allowed them there..THis was a wonderful key that unlocked my own ability to negotiate my thought process and since then…I try to immediately release negative thoughts and then use that grace toward my own desires or destiny…

This energy we have is strong and when you speak ill of someone you can indeed maintain the “pull” that story you are telling yourself has on you.

The wild thing i learned from this experience was that I am NOT my stories or my experiences…I can let them go through forgiveness and movement and in the end I find that I am what I think about…who I see and how I do what I do.

My stories are justification…beliefs that only mean as much as we lean on them

Look at your life, your daily habits- you are all those thoughts and those things…

if you are thinking nastly thoughts about others and yourself…then you are  dare I say nasty person… becasue I have come to learn that being kind means… you can address those thoughts in your own head..and heart…and spend time trying to see the situation from as many angles as possible so that YOUR point of view is just ONE of them and not the only one.

Then you begin to dilute your Nasty thoughts and ask them kindly to leave because as long as you have them… you are them…

I know this because I have spent the last 5 years walking though my life and although I am not friends with everyone in my life..i hold no ill will to anyone…no matter what happened between us and I have asked forgiveness if not personally then spiritually as often as I can until I feel I let them go or vis a versa… because Karma is a boomerang and unless you let people go from what they “did” to you” you will hurt them …maybe more that they ever hurt you and then WHO is the VIllain?

Be sweet because you can…and the world needs that now…don’t be nasty or mean or sarcastic…because it is overplayed…

Be the one that is ok and if you can’t be OK then go and work on trying to be…one relationship at a time.

Xo
S

Kitchen

Hello…. Webber Douglass

I remember being at a coffee shop in Penn State’s Happy Valley no doubt sprinkling cinnamon on my 15th refill of dark blended coffee …cozy…and their phone rang.

My roommates at the time called the coffee shop! We didn’t have cell phones so romatinic things like this could easily happen. THey called my name and I was like- huh? I think the coffee shop waiter walked over to me and said are you Susie? I was like yeah? Well, you had a call and something about a letter is waiting for you! I remember the feeling of running back to my apartment up the stairs like my heart was leading me and I saw an odd shaped THIN..very THIN….small yellowish envelope. – rectangle shape.

It was sealed with one of thoe bunny ear metal closures and I slowly opened it all it read on one paper. We are happy to …..

It was Ana amazing idea! GOIng to London to study acting!!!!!! I had trained in acting since 5th grade os this was huge becasue I really wanted to do classical Shakespeare theater for my life…never really thought logistics or how that woudl work but something about learning classical theater in LONDON well….

So- being in London was a major adjustment to my approach o acting. It basically was the opposite approach as it had an external process of developing an actor. Voice, Movement and make-up all slowly creating a character…and this tapping into your own emotional at the first step was NOT what we did.

Kitchen

London vs American Acting

Pretending to be a role is very different than being the role. It gets really messy when you discuss this with the acting community… because the style of off shoots of METHOD acting Have become integrated in our teachings. The teachers of today were among the first or second generation of this approach. It is imbedded and systemic…it can’t be undone…like the vine that a German guy brought to NC and it now covers all the trees and looks like a forest but it is a vine killing the forest itself…looks can be deceptive.
I went to London in 1995/6 and worked with the best teachers from RADA that we now working at Webber Douglas I was kind of like the vine…going there to learn what they were doing but in a way…starting to expose the alternative American training to these classical teachers…perhaps they saw the future…a. Bunch of emotionally unstable artists…just waiting to happen.
Here is a perfect example of how my American approach to acting was received.
I was the ONLY American actor there and they accepted me into a class of post graduate students. I was beyond thrilled and thankful.
we had midterm performances and I did a monologue that I thought was amazing. I mean I broke down on stage crying and opening up my heart. I was amazed how OPEN i way, how connected to my true self…and what happened after that was that the school threatened to kick me out.
They were very confused by what I was doing and said…”why are YOU crying? That’s not your job! That is the job of the audience!”
It was such a wakeup call. I was sitting across from an acting instructor and she was holding a tissue box and I was just crying again. Now from her critique of my amazing breakthrough movement…and she was like..
“what the hell are you doing?” That was ugly and sloppy and not professional at all”
all I see in my memory bank is a constant flow of tissues.
I am not sure I ever fully adapted their approach as my first language but it gave me structure to my work in many ways.
After they suggested I consider leaving the school I cut my emotional connections off and started making fun of the teachers ( this this was s suggestion of one of the teachers themselves) in My final showcase monologue of a high strung woman…..pretending to Steward Pierce our high strong voice teacher.
This time I was greeted with accolades…. They were fully impressed with my IMPRESSION of a character- my ability to ACT…not become…
I remember this one teacher was like do you want to know who we were all most surprised by? I was feeling like such the pathetic student I was like…no…
She smiled and said. YOU.
It was such a huge shock and wake up call.
However. I rarely see classical teaching anymore and even London theater…in their contemporary theatre seemed so become so American- talk about the tail wagging the dog.

Kitchen

Letting go of …Drama

NOT being in charge is like softly being ticked on my arm…It isn’t something I like at the start…it is actually a little annoying and boring and I can watch my child like self start to feel uncomfortable in the calm but I have begun to hold ground…transmute the irritation and let the wave pass over me.

Funny how being OK is something i have to get used to!

Truth is, I am much more comfortable in DRAMA…I can function well in it and high emotions are more normal than copesetic situations.

I can trace this back and I have but the point is at the end of the day when you understand that a calm relating feeling eventually get boring and yet…I know it is the healthier way..unless something has actually HAPPENED…but for the most part…

Life can be VERY VERY calm and chill and flowing and my new approach is to allow those around me …the ones I am physically connected to to guide me.. I hold my own disposition but I take action as in where and when though those that have more…hmmm more need to control

WHat this does is that it alleviates me from the position of pretending I am someone who wants to control…and it allows the person who is great at controlling and leading…ie- my husband…a place to do it without resistance.

I am sure this is due to the fact that I am NOT dying to be anywhere else. I think a great deal of disatisfaction is when there is somewhere else you’d rather be than where you are..this —-for me taps into the feeling that —-something else would make me more content/happy/satisfied/ etc

But the understanding I am in right now is that the ability to keep a society unsatisfied in ever are is the ability to create turmoil, purchasing, hate and aggression.

SOmeone has to be OK and content…There has to be an anchor in the world…people who are thankful for who they are, what they have, what they look like, what they can and can’t do…someone has to be like that…

In a family as well. I am becoming more and more aware that the more OK i am with being a mom and a wife and taking care of the family ( I don’t do everthing…my kids and husband cook and food shop and are very self sufficient ) but the vibe…the energy or the person that is THERE…that is important and I have the opportunity to be that…so I am going to take it and enjoy it..and stop complaining that I am not something OTHER than me..

It feels like…a rambling river…

I am entertaining myself my challenging myself in kind physical challenges…( I’ll explain soon)

Kitchen

Letting GO of ….N.Y.F.A

I never wanted to be an acting teacher. I have a Masters in Classical Theatre from London but the idea of teaching never really accured to me.

Fast forward many years and I wind up teaching my MOVEMENT technique to entry level acting students. Students who for the most part never had an acting class and they are In thier first year of college.

I brought with me my WARM up…what I had created in the pole dancing room at IRON FLOWER gym on biscayne….MISS THIS ROOM SO MUCH….and I added to it a few of the required curriculum for thier degree.

From here I created a gamification of movement that opens the artist and also allows them to heal themselves and let go of trauma- theirs of their characters.

The process was simple and I felt it can be used to help other people in the community as well as link the community to the actors.

My last semester working there I invested 10 people from here commnunity to be our guest. We worked as a team to help them release their stories and it was amazing. I knew at that moment that the training we had can infact thelp NON actors and Allon people who were searching for a way to express themselves and deal with something an alternative to “Therapy”

I presented this to the head of the theater department and along with that several internship opportunities. He responded NO to all the attempts to extend the school outward. It became very clear again that this was not the place for me to GROW anymore and it was time to say goodbye.

I had one talk with the New head of the Miami Beach school who sided with the Head the acting department and then one talk with the head of the international school who was down from New York.

THey both lasted hours and they both came to the same conclusion. What I had to offer wasn’t really their front burner and although I enjoyed teaching I didn’t enjoy the ceiling the program had on what I could do with with teachers.

What I learned is people want and need to be seen in thier LIFE,..

People’s lack of being heard or seen without judgement is lacking and once a person feels heard they can begin to let go of the story they are telling…it is the unhearing …the lack of it landing on loving ears that understand and accepts .that perpetuates once’s story.

PErhaps that is why once I spoke with the HEAD of the school and he heard me and my thoughts I was free to leave the school without any sense of resistance or negativity.

I even went so far to meet with one of the other teachers that I was told approached acting form the opposite direction and we had coffee then he took my class and now he also SEEs what I am doing…

All this allowed me to feel HEARD and regardless of the outcome I was free to peruse my next adventure…

MAybe share without needing people to agree. Share becasue you don’t need them to agree but rather you need to speak your truth –
And it is on you t one able to share without existence becasue it is in how you deliver the information.
If can be aggressive or hurtful or just soft and simple and with the lease about of energy as possible. That is when you will have the lease amount of boomerang energy on the return and you can exit in that window…. of FLOW

S

Kitchen

Hello …Highlands

I think I have been coming up to this mountain town as long as the Berks…almost. I think I Came up here is 2000 with Steve and his family so that would make this almost 18 years of memories.

We are in the same area we always are in but the house is new. Steve’s parents purchased a large home for thier growing family and it is a beautiful log cabin with more than enough space and rooms.

Trees all around us and lots and lots of quiet.

Yesterday I spent sitting on the porch talking with family about our totally different points of views on religions and politics and other differences and we are just rocking in rocking chairs..just respectfully disagreeing and I wonder how many other families can sit together amongst the trees and disagree.

To be honest I have decharged myself from my own points of view so although I have my beliefs that are not aggressive nor dominirring and I have no desire to force someone to change thier mind as I would not really enjoy someone forcing their beliefs down my throat.

So I have no issue discussing why people believe what they believe bc in the end there is a very very good reason they have those beliefs. Becasue they are theirs.

Finding your own beliefs is important…and should be respected…

I am not watching the news or engaged in social media right now.

My information comes from those I talk to or flashes of things I come across, books and Master Class and directly searched for podcasts.

I am directing my education in someways.
My days have become more calm and I believe that too much information you can’t do anything about at this moment can create anxiety for me—it is bc I am an empath and I can take things WAY to sensitively …which is great and not so great..

I think that is why I long to work out in the grass by myself…weightless in my own energy.

Hmmmm

Kitchen

An Actor’s Approach to Letting go of a Character to Avoid Personal Psychological Concussions

As an actress I devoted myself to years of intensive training that taught me how to embody any type of character I wanted to portray. The training was based around the concept of tapping in to a thought or belief within my personal life experience that I could then manipulate and repurpose to say and do things that would be convincingly portrayed via a character to the audience. This style of training is successful, yet I also find it capable of causing psychological concussions. Concussions caused by stitching your own personal experiences into the material of a character so seamlessly that you struggle to remember where you end, and your character begins. In my intensive training I was never taught how to tear apart the seams, to separate, to let go, to get out of the character and back in to myself and only myself. I find the omission of this additional training to “fall out of character” fascinating since the ability to let go of a character is part of being able to get another job. So, why wasn’t I taught that? I have my theories!

These physiological concussions are creating repercussions on actors and the society they help mold. The ability to go in and out of a belief system or physical world of one character and into the belief system of another is powerful, playful and at times dangerous. It can be noted in Jim Carey’s documentary, Health Ledger’s experience playing the Joker and Denzel Washington’s journey in Fences to name a few. We should suspect there are countless others if we all dared to look, or they dared to tell. With such a negative social stigma on mental illness it is not safe in the world of acting to admit such a thing, a mental weakness of losing the ability to identify self from character. Perhaps we would train our actors to be better equipped for the life of an actor if we can accept the risks of the business and the management of rewards from success. Leaving yourself open and vulnerable to people in the business, as well as the embodied characters, is dangerous and steps should be made to be more honest with this truth. Perhaps at the very least offer early counsel to parents and talented young souls of where a career in acting can lead.
Much like football we all watch the entertainment with little or no concern for the players. If we cared too much the game lose its luster. As a culture we would have look for another option of entertainment which may not be hard to do however, it would still require a shift in culture. We are starting to hear the desperate concerns from players and their families regarding the long-term ailments from early and repeated concussions. It was only recently that the football world mentioned this and yet it was a known issue, but they would just put the players back on the field until it was publicly addressed.
I love acting and have decided to teach it even though I feel my career as an actor was demonstrative and toxic to my life. I was greatly affected by the psychological concussions caused by acting and they were a heavy burden. They not only impacted many aspects of my life but those of my husband and children as well. The burden was so much to bare and the continual negative outcomes from the concussions created an environment so toxic that I couldn’t maintain a healthy and fulfilling work-life balance. I decided to leave the profession and focus all my love and compassion to raising my children. As my children have grown and their independence has matured I found myself with an opportunity to return to acting which lead to teaching acting.
To part surprise and part dismay I returned only to be haunted by the ghost of the characters I had embodied. Sometimes they are helpful by giving me skills I had yet to learn and other times, because I was a method actor, they put my whole family and everything we had built on the chopping block. How could this be happening even after taking a ten-year long hiatus from the profession? I have pondered this for quite some time and believe it is because of the way I was trained to set up a story for the character and how to format the character. The format demands the character be present in my own life. It parallels a bad habit, an addiction, that now becomes something you must contend with in your own life.
I found myself captivated with the practice of acting and the aspect of movement. I began to create my own concept of training that keeps the acting skills at the forefront of character development but also provides guidance on returning the actor back to neutral- home again, to fully self-identify and unstitch the seam they created to embody their character of choice. My concept is successful and yet my concept creates a dilemma. It is contradictory to the training that many other teachers in my department implement. They rely on the same techniques I was subjected to in my formative years to get the actors to tap in to a very personal place to format a character, yet they do not intend or advise them on the absolute necessity to peel that character away when they are through with the act.
Another challenge I am currently facing is where, do we as teachers, draw the line of acceptable behavior from an actor who has failed to disembody a character? A male student acted out a scene where he portrayed an abusive lover. This actor himself is believed to have attacked a fellow actress at the school. The actress had to leave because of the trauma from the alleged attack. The faculty is aware of the attack and has opted to allow such behavior to happen in the name of artistic expression. Failing to distinguish a realistic attack versus one that was allegedly performed under guise of acting. They can’t seem to distinguish the actor from the character because their belief in the formation of a character doesn’t require such separation.
Parents should question the use of their money being spent on such practices? Are we as teachers at any point obligated to nurture character formation yet also teach the limit of the actions of a character? I have brought my concerns to the school faculty, but the consensus is that no action is required on behalf of the school. I hypothesize that the concepts they rely on to train actors use pain as talent and they refuse to try and find another way to format characters. The issue is that the actors must KNOW THYSELF-know home, self-identify and even more so be taught to know themselves as to create a more defined boundary between them and the character.
Many actors enjoy acting for the opposite reason, it keeps them away from self. If they wear a mask, then there is somewhere to hide physically and emotionally all the while never creating the environment to mature in to their own personal selves. My concept of training teaches the actors to be whole people who have healed their own anger by learning how to get out of character. Know who they are and recognize the natural paths of their own personal maturity. Understand that they are powerful and must respect their abilities or they will become part of the problem. An open and willing actor can find themselves being used and manipulated emotionally without any concern for what they are enduring. Thus, subjecting themselves and those around them to the emotional and psychological concussions from acting. They return to other players in the profession such as agents and managers who don’t delve in to the intentions or practices of the director nor care to, if the actor is getting roles and providing a profit regardless of what those roles represent and the concussions that they are likely to cause.

Kitchen

Hello…Content

Hello Content-

It feels like getting a massage but a soft tissue one where Nothing feels like it is happening.

That is what CONTENT- feel like…and FLOW is that with a soft wind at my back…

It is a flow state and it is hard to manage IF you don’t respect it. Honor it…

It has taken me a while to simply enjoy the GO WITH THE FLOW but this past summer I became aware of what it feels like, who challenges it in my life and what I do to Sabotage it and why.

Let me walk through it using the SURF process
Four steps that are taken if desired softly.

S- I am in flow- the world is providing me with everything I need at every moment
U- I understand that being micro managed in other peoples homes is tough and makes me want to have my OWN vacation home- something to grab onto-
A fellow actor offers me a role in a film he is doing about an unhappy wife who brow beats her husband and I take it without a thought. Jump at it- FAST and WITHOUT CONSIDERATION…a high comes over me and a feeling of aggression towards anything that is FLOW or building or helping comes over me..I instantly have NO patience for being KIND and I get angry and sad…
R- I think about the feeling and walk around it and quiet it…and then the guy in the film backs out and I slowly think about it and back out as well and then this cool peaceful feeling—saying NOT to acting like a jerk in someone else’s story.
F- THe wind is bare able again and I smile at my mom and my husband and my family and I am content…

Kitchen

Hello SHARKS

Dear Mr. Wonderful

I never got to thank you. I am not sure if you even remember me. I was standing in front of you back in 2013 pitching my idea for bibbitec bibs and you told me to “take it behind the barn and shoot it!”

Thank you for two things-
FIrst because when I started laughing hysterical you clapped your hands together and reminded me “This is serious!”
What happened next was that my actor sensibilities kicked in and then I began to cry. We call it NEW CHOICE in the acting world.

My pitch became very emotional at that point and I think that is actually why our episode even aired to begin with no to mention the dozens of times since. Thank you!

Second: You were right. I think what I couldn’t get past was that I was mushing a whole bunch of things together. I was trying to be taken seriously as a person and so I wanted the product to be that way when indeed it could have been much more simple. The embroidery and the stitching which is what drove the cost up and the most complicated aspect of the bib was not a necessity. It did not help the kids stay clean and I could have see the bib as the functional tool it was and kept it all in that arena.

I am going to try and take your advice in my way. Drop the product down to simplicity, cut the cost in my way without cutting the quality that makes the bib WORK and I am going to give it one more go in my own way.

I adore you- I think you are wonderful. I know you play the “mean” guy and I understand why resistance is important in drama but under it all I adored you.

Last time I saw you I was walking by you in a bathing suit while you were on a call on the Beach and I didn’t recognize you at all. My freind did- She said- Isn’t that Mr. Wonderful and as I turned and saw you I said…why YES….Yes it is….

Love Susie

Dear Daymond…

Remember when you asked me to step forward alone. Leaving Steve e behind me? Remember you said you would only be dealing with one of us and I was the one you were going to be dealing with? Remember you asked me HOW MUCH? How much more I was going to put in. At the time. At that moment in time I was freaking out.

I felt like perhaps I would get a deal if I mentioned the right thing. If I said EVERYTHING..It in-fact me being on Shark Tank wasn’t my end goal ass an angry mother who bought crap products and wanted to prove to parents they were making them on purpose…if that wasn’t my goal..I would have said…Whatever I NEED TO..but the point was.. I was already DONE. I had achieved the goal and getting you involved along with the whole FAMILY wasn’t going to work out.

The reason was I wasn’t in control at all. I had no ability to hold my voice and my desire to work with people was part of my desire to be liked and loved not deserted and well I can go on and on…

But the point is that you have taught me so much. I have watched several of you conversations and read books you Recomended and even your own story of trying three times inspires me..

I am now at this point where I have the patent for a few more years. I have awareness of self and I am not using this product to prove how valuable I am And I am over wanting to NOT be deserted..

I have worked through so much of my issues that I think I can step up again and say..whatever I need to do…without causing me stress. That is what I am willing to give.

I adore you Daymond and will always be grateful to you.

Dearest Barbara-

I am not sure if you remember what you said to me and I kind of hope you don’t. It was pretty aggressive and harsh..even if it had a bit of truth in it. It was not what I thought you and I would discuss..and how it would go down.

Basically you told me I was a poor excise for a woman…in not so many ways and although it never made it past the cutting room floor I have to say it was a really aggressive comment.

I know it was TV and I know you were doing your job but I was, no my insecure child ego was really thrown by that.

I know you are a tough business woman and I respect all you have done but my approach is different, I am not fierce in the ways you are and well..I wanted to say that as the only woman on the panel that day I thought you would have had my back-

But looking BACK i guess you too were playing your role and in the end you said I could sell it through a network of MOMs which I found interesting seeing that you just insulted my MOMMINESS-

Anyway… I wanted to just saw that is was pretty sever the way you spoke it to me and how you insulted my personage and I knew and know it is only for TV and such but I was really there. I wasn’t acting…that much…;) I was trying to be sincere and in that moment being insulted by a woman hurt the most…because in the end we know where the tendon to the jugular is and we go there.

Anyway I am pretty sure you can’t recall this but it has and was a eye opened get to me…Men in my life have never gotten to me as much as the women have…and that is something ..

S

Dear Cuban,

First of all you are the only one that didn’t say anything mean to me except that I wasn’t the one to run the company. I was too emotional maybe..yeah…I was. I couldn’t separate business from my self value and I was way to concerned about trying to keep the concept I had..

It was kind of you to agree with me…tell me that selling directly to customers online for the price I was asking was fine.

Since the back end in the past several years has gotten even more stream lined I am going to go back to doing the company like you said. Considering once we left my partners took me to trade shows convinced we should hit the stores..I lost interested and let my interest wain and now a few years later – it is JUST me myself and I –

I have no emotion connected to this project..perhaps a diluted sense of passion mixed with purpose mixed with flow…

I am going to try again at this little simple Idea. I am going to play with it…from the position I think you seem to take. WHY NOT. And a smile that seem to brighten up the whole world.

Thank you for that faith you had in my vision. And even though you pointed to me and told me NOT YOU I am happy to say that the person you pointed at has grown up in these past few years and I think….we…YES ME.

Xo susie

Dear Robert,

I am just adding you into this series because in the end you said you were scared of my husband suing you. I agree he is a tough and will defended his wife at any cost….
Smart move!

S