Author: Susie Taylor

Kitchen

Hello…..old scene

When you try and do somethign NEW what I find tends to happen is all these OLD stories and scenes begin to percolate to the top.

Maybe it is that opportunity to let them go that we miss and instead attach ourselves to- when you are in it…alone..it is hard…

Yet once you KNOW what the other person is going to say that means you have been here bolero and the GAME is…can you choose another tactic.

My mom always goes for a laugh, steve uses sweetness, I just go quiet…I lack the ability to turn out of a tale spin and prefer trying to avoid them all together

But since the kids started school this have been 100 miles an hour…not with activities but out of pure changeness…we are adjusting to the ruitine and it is happening..

But the house.. the time is ticking and it needs to be let go of by once I try I grab back on

WHY?

I am concerned what will become of the boys and steve if we move out…and I am equally sure it will end well but the fear that the outcome is on me…is on me to do this ,,,that is where I am short circuiting…

But they have come to the table- see opportunities themselves…who knows- maybe this is just who steve and I are at the core…fire types that argue often and loudly and love just as strongly…

And if they move and if we like it..ill say yeah for us all…but quietly…I was right
Ha

Xoxoxo
S

Kitchen

love is in the ….saying goodbye to say hello

I have found it is in the hello that we realize we are in love…but it is in the forgetting that allows the hello to happen. We have all been here before and we must forget it all. the more we forget the more we remember fresh and the more we can fall in love daily…

it annoys me to hang with people who remember so well YEt….they forget to forget.

Kitchen

Goodbye…..kitchen

Funny- all our arguments start isn’t he kitchen. THis idea of the feminine seems to hold up in the space between the fridge and the sink and the counter and the crumbs and it bothers us.

I wonder if we leave this house and this kitchen and all the arguments that kept us together will we be able to enjoy the JOY and stop retracing the fault lines.

I am exhausted this week from the conversation about raising kids and raising roofs and moving on and my soul is in need of this…NOTHING. A day of absolute simple calmness that requires only a faint bit of curiosity to exist.

Kitchen

Music has power

When were curse words a must in songs? The words are Spells and our children hear them. I wonder if it changes them or if I am just getting guncool and scared..maybe words shouldn’t hold too much power..

I was at a fitness class the other day and I was with my son. Evey song they played at #risenation had words in it my 14 year old doesn’t say nor wants to hear when we workout.

When we are moving our body seems to me more absorbent than when we are still and the words I hear when working out can seep deeper in-

Be careful the words you allow to enter your heart- yours or others paint the story…be aware..

And please offer classes with non explicit music.

Susie

Kitchen

Hello…..GRaNT

I found myself taking a turn based on an email that is one a thread.

I happened to be on a list that happened to send out an email about a grant for a 20 minute piece and I thought. YES-

Then I thought but I’ve done that before and it it didn’t work out so I thought …I’ll learn to write a grant and I googled how to and up came Thumbtack and then the thought was..I can’t write a grant but they can and I need help explaining.

So I posted the job- a three day turn around- I got a few quotes back, I called one- I liked her- she was hired-

She wrote the grant and in three days time I applied PROPERLY to a grant.

The idea of knowing what I am not capable of is a beautiful thing because it also makes be honor what i am capable of.

I am going to build out my SHOW this year- get it funded through Kick Starter- take the one woman show to Edinburgh and then get it produced into a series at some point.

I am able to see the map bc an ex sent me a link to a show that did exactly that. I don;t need to revive net the wheel just copy it on my side of the pond.

I am so ready to break free- cut my strings and fly and this idea of building my work, being my own agent and manager is giving me the tanaacity in my art form I was deeply lacking. I am not anyone’s Pawn.

I am my own tool that I can manage and use to move myself to my desire…create work and tell the stories I want to tell…

The auditions and the other gigs are not the focus but more an exercise in being both the artist and the business side…jut keep moving…as long as I keep my own SHOW on the Front Burner I am able to engage with other artist I hope..

And now having this woman Writor – I believe it is time to write my book and have her look at my work and get it organized to publish. Why Not.

S

Kitchen

Hello…..Childhood home

Last night while searching on Zillow for homes in my area I woudl one day like to live in…I randomly saw a link to my old house.

THis house is no where near me and had only been on the market 17 hours or days or something but there it was. Up for sale. Another fmaily will get to move in and make memories.

My sister happened to come over after that to drop off my boys and we looked through the house and reminisced about our upbringing. It was fun to see the frame of our childhood on a screen in our current home and laugh at what changed and what didn’t and the wood panels they left on the wall.

It was nice to recognize the layers that life adds to our stories while we are away making more and it then remainder me and my husband that it is time to move…the home we are in is truly lovely…just like that house but it is not enough anymore and that is honest.

FOrcing yourself to stay when you know you need to go may be the cruelest thing you can do your yourself Nd those around you. Knowing it is time to go and allowing it still to be sad is truthful.

GOodbye always suck but it doesn’t; mean they aren’t for the best..becasue a goodbye means a hello is coming…

Xoxoxo
S

Kitchen

Hello…..PMS and Flip phone

We have become freinds. I get her. She comes over once a month…overturns all my neat little tables and calls bullshit as soon as she sees it. This week she focused on my youngest son.

He is me and I get it. Curious and kind and willing to test the boundaries. I went two weeks dealing with his behavior issue and giving him warnings and then when the Shit hit the fan he did what I woudl do and started to cry and act small.

Thing is I know this move and I am ove it..it makes you little for real in the end and less responsible so for his own sake I called BS on his excuse and naked his toosh to the wall

Bye bye smart phone Hello Flip phone.

Can’t be anything worse EGO wise then to pull out a Flip Phone on the playground!

But we did it bc the kid or anyone for that matter doesn’t;t need to deal with group chats that are out of line – it wasn’t;t social media..it was his “freinds”

I am happy he is at a new school but with these phones you are not ever able to restart so I did it for him..I still want his number changed but we’ll take that slowly.

Here is what I look like when PMS comes to visit.

Kitchen

Hello….pole

After watching over some of my videos I am compiling for a show I am going to be doing…AT lAST – i found myself watching myself taunt me..I was a few years younger but I seemed innocent and unaware or perhaps distracted enough to be able to connect to my Sensual Self…alone in a room with a pole.

I am not sure why everyone isn’t given thier own room with a POLE..i am still searching for mine bc nothing compares the the one I had at Iron Flower –
A dark pretty room to my self with several poles and a mirror and i am in heaven.

I have my own pole outside the back of my house and i just began to play on it again.. this is not MY pole it is the House’s pole and my little guy climbs it everyday which is cute but kind of annoying..I can’t build mojo when my son keeps resetting it to a playground toy but then again..isn’t it…a playground toy…

I love the jungle gym..I love my younger self.. I enjoy reconnecting to her often and in that to my sexuality becasue I believe my sexuality is linked to my creativity…and I was born like that…I believe we all are..

Born as creative sexual beings desiring to build somethign out of nothing.. and then as we become adults…all that energy gets spliced and owned and broken and taken and we forget..at the beginning..we were pure Cupids. Playfull, Mischivious and loving to no end…becasue we were limitless. and we knew it…but over time we forget.

..life forces us to dare to remember it and for some reason that pole…that spinning…soothes me back to that belief system and call me what you may…I dare you not to smile on the pole.

I rented a room at a Pole studio in Wynwood …it was different..nice..but different…I found little parts of myself…in this ever changing world of Miami that just as I was parking even led to me to that the 360 warehouse..the MITRANI warehouse that was called 360 four years ago and held my first performance piece – while I was looking for parking and happened to drive by and look inside and it was rubble…it was being demolished…all the creativeness was broken down…to be rebuilt..

This site of RUIN…ruins me and releases US ( ME and Miami ) we continues to evolve..you’ll never KNOW her…or me… and that is why we are sisters forever..

Kitchen

Hello……MoonDance

Woke up this morning and found myself in the light of the moon.

I was asking the universe to send me energy and then I looked down and my skin was covered in rays of light and shadows and i tried to take a photo but the iPhone failed me.

I was dancing in the moonlight in my back yard in the nude and clarity spilled upon me. I do my OWN work from now on about MYSELF.

Pretending I need to be part of other peoples work to be heard is xhausting and Pleaservile.

Even this casting submitions on backstage…

It is all still a small thread of NOT ENOUGH issue that pretends i can buffer and wait till I am ENOGH but as I preach…we are all enough…have always been enough…

Slow down Susie…relax and take your time YOUR TIME….build your ONE PERSON PIECE and take it from there…

Remember how hard it was just to leave the school and you went back then..maybe you needed them…but like that… you will NEVER look back once you begin this journey of your OWN work…never…

You are not responsible for anyone but yourself and no one is responsible for you either…

Daddy was dancing with me in my dream last night…I wish he was here to write a story for my show…

I am happy that most people are into telling their version of Susie for part of my play…and that know I will be fine with whatever they say becasue in the end I know a lot about who I am and who I am not and the distnace i try and close between the two through futile attempts of being OTHER than me..

For me I have learned who I am throgh learning who I am not and that takes a BRAVE PRINCESS TO go there…risk ego and structure and test the boundaries…but I have and I do becasue it is out my respect for what eludes me that I gain respect for those that are the ELUDED thing.

It is a moondance for me…a moement in the moon to take my time and be myself-for myself and no other…ha…easy to say…

S

Kitchen

Goodbye…..auditioning

I love auditioning…I love playing with an idea and being asked to go against the concept I just thought of.

That is what an audition can be like if it is a good one. Someone asks you to redue your piece with an adjustment…sometimes they give it to you and sometimes they give you the exact adjustment and you have to create it right there.

What is happening is that the casting people are seeing
1) can you act
2) can you take direction
3) are you versatile

I love this process and I think that I may love it WAY TOO too much…well older parts of me love it…like a past lover…you are over them but a part of you…may need one last go..to be sure and that is what this past audition was..

BECAUSE

Auditioning is the apitamy of pleasing..

I have long given that role up but in an audition when a director is asking you to make an adjustment you are trying to ultimately please her so that she will cast you.

It is a hot coal pleasing situation and I love it except…this last time..I noticed I was aware that I was pleasing…and that is a problem-

If you are trying to please but you know you are PLAYING the role…a type of awareness comes into the game which I never had before.

I use to love auditions becasue I am an amazing pleaser but now that I don’t spend my days pleasing or desiring to please hardly anyone..I was acutely aware that I WAS..in the auditions.. becoming the PLEASER and that was an extra layer of awareness that made my work feel crowned.

It was fine..I don’t believe I got the role and I hope I don’t bc what I just came to realize is that this is a TRAP!

Why I auditioned was so that I woudln’t have to go back up to the mountains for Thanksgiving with my husbands fmaily..being the NON pleaser in training I was looking for an excuse. I applied for the casting while on a week long last minute trip with them in a cabin and I was fine but secretly wishing I could RUN…

and I DO NOT WANT to spend another week there in November and I just may have to if I don’t have a reason not to and so I auditioned and well…

See…it isn’t even the holiday it is the repetition of the holiday these years…but I can’t sabotage my desire NOT to be around tons of people in a cabin with auditioning for another persons work. It is a TRAP!!!!!

I want to just own that I am doing my own work about myself and that is what is going to happen…I DON’T HAVE THAT MUCH ENERGY TO BE IN ANOTHER PLAY AND WORKING ON MY OWN PIECE.

I will end up letting go of something..I am a monogamous person in love and in work I believe and I need to hold myself to my own moon light and keep myself in line with what I want to do FOR MYSELF..and maybe that will elevaiate my resistance to join other people for the holidays.

I have auditioned for my whole life..I refuse to do it regardless of how amazing i am at it..becasue the audition is a gateway to the drug of OTHER PEOPLE’s work and I have come so far from that place.

TO begin again becasue I happen to have cabin fever and I am free is not what I need right now.. I need to
cut the fat myself
..becasue I SAY SO…
.create my piece and perform it..

that is what I am doing this year and I am not going to allow myself to push it off again.

It is like that author who walked 30 days to figure out why he can’t write.

JUST WRIGHT SUSIE

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