Author: Susie Taylor

Kitchen

Thank you but….no

This week I auditioned for two theater plays a voice over and a made for TV show. I heard from two of them. One I did not get but was quickly asked to read in a play reading session with them in a few weeks. I accepted.
I love play readings..low commitment- high enjoyment and all and all a lovely night.

I also heard from the second play – I was offered a role that I felt might be Angry. I mentioned that I was thrilled o be part of the piece but not as an Angry person. I know myself and Anger is toxic..nudity on the other hand..no issue…HA THey informed me that my role was indeed angry and that there was no alternative way to portray it..

I said thank you but no thank you. THis is the first time I ever in my life let a role go. It wasn’t;t the money it was the emotion that I couldn;t play anymore.

I have told my students to do this and this was the first time I had the where with all to heed my own wisdom.

I also was asked to speak a the business chamber..some 5 months after I applied due to nepotism and I accepted which sent me on a wild goose chase of defending this opportunity by trying to reinstate my SURF acting class.

IT was bibbitec all over. I had put the class down bc I learned what I needed and yet when a wanting person gave me attention I began to try and justify it..

I spend a few days thinking of how to trademark my name but the truth came when today I was creating a logo and i was annoyed and Steve was my voodoo doll. Poor guy. I am poking him…trying to ignite his SUPER POWER
Where he called my bullshit and release me from my angst and take me HOME-

I tell him that this request to talk has spured me to look for spaces and try and restart my class…
He says” that makes no sense”
I say” it is a sign..that I was asked”
He says “and that is why you are wrong.”
He asked” do you want to teach”
I say I miss doing my class but I am over teaching…over caring about others in front of me…I’ve helped enough…I don’t care that much anymore”

Truth is nasty- hard and really hurts when you let it in..but it equally heals when you do. I have no desire to build the class out..but I miss dancing and I just want to find a place…

No. I have a place a studio I can use with my EarPods..alone- Monday or Wednesday.. and that’s what Ill do-

Still thinking I woudl like to apply for the FRINGE in EDINBUOGH..or maybe in NYC if they have it this year..give myself a deadline…
Then these nibbles won’t be so attractive

I need to love my work beyond all the rest and my work is my piece…I lost focus this week but it was good to close the door on my class and even another play I was kind of cast in but the role was angry and i can’t afford anger in my psyche right now.

Whoever you are…reading my blog…I hope you are not an ARIES…we have another few days of this back and forth crazy!

Kitchen

Hello ……WIngs

this past two days minus yesterday – I watched three full seasons of three shows. Fleabag, Sisters and Chica something..

Then yesterday I took my boys to school and then went to the gym then chopped off a few inches of my hair….

Doing “nothing” letting go…allowing the universe to align with you…visa versa….

I also listened to several tarot card readings about my September and they all said…tough one….decisions…liars….etc… ALl of them…

When several tarot card readers from all over the world give out the same reading for ARIES September 1-15 you know it is not YOUR time and you sit back and just dive deep and like a SURFER…find a sturdy rock to hold on to while the waves pass above you.

And I did..I felt the energy and I bunkered down and then yesterday
I received three emails

one that I was NOT cast in CIty THeater Winter SHorts
two- that I was asked to do a reading with City THeater this MOnday
three- that I was invited to join a Shakespeare group that performs for children in schools
four- that I was invited to speak about my class at the MIami Beach Chamber wellness committee in November.

seeds get planted and sometimes we have to distract our selves with dancing so that they can grow in peace..
Goodness is not forced or demanded it is offered up

My addiction to the MALE GAZE is over…i don’t feel it and know that -that portion of my life is truly gone. I hope that these next chapters offer me something more that superficial glances…something deeper and more lasting and eternal.

The Male gaze holds no charge but for a memory of a world I am not of anymore…

I long for and have desired to be understood and heard..and that world is only built through my Gaze- my words- my value

xoxoxoxo

Thank you universe for allowing this reset…for offering me the opportunity to shift …for unanchoring me from the roots of this past life- this house- these stories and to levitate above them in search of my future..
Than you for letting me kindly grow my wings these past few years so that they can take me to the places I desire.

S

Kitchen

Is memory …movement based

I was just listening to someone discuss smart phone dimetia-
It was how we can;t remember a phone number bc our smart phone has made us dumb-

I think memories and learning are movement based so as we become less movement based we become more vessels and less content based.

We don;t need to hold or can’t becasue we never actually found the thing we were looking for
We click it and it came and with the least amount of energy…we “gathered knowledge” but did we actually learn

Learning is process oriented and you can;t create a process in a tw demintial world. The glass phones have the Lesa St amount of texture and it creates the least mount of resistance and in that we glide and slide past ideas and thoughts

If we are not phycailly DIALING anymore then yes…we can’t remember the number as well…try opening up your keyboard and dialing out a number a few times…don’t call it just keep dialing it and on the tenth time you do the number I bet your will see the physical pattern and the number will be locked in your head

This is how actos memeorize. They create the physical world for their lines and then the words have homes and it become clear what is said when you are doing what..it all goes together.

Which brings me back to the Ktichen…movements can create memory recalls
Likw when you do a repetite movement if there is an emotional memory attached to it —things come up.
Travel alleviates the routine scene we play out over and over and maybe moving will also do the same..it is hard to remember your LINES when the set changes…habits display and thoughts can be altered…as long as the set isn;t constantly reminding you of your PAST LINES and thus your past pains and past circumstances…
I move my furniture often for exactly this reason…

Xo
S

Kitchen

Hello…..old scene

When you try and do somethign NEW what I find tends to happen is all these OLD stories and scenes begin to percolate to the top.

Maybe it is that opportunity to let them go that we miss and instead attach ourselves to- when you are in it…alone..it is hard…

Yet once you KNOW what the other person is going to say that means you have been here bolero and the GAME is…can you choose another tactic.

My mom always goes for a laugh, steve uses sweetness, I just go quiet…I lack the ability to turn out of a tale spin and prefer trying to avoid them all together

But since the kids started school this have been 100 miles an hour…not with activities but out of pure changeness…we are adjusting to the ruitine and it is happening..

But the house.. the time is ticking and it needs to be let go of by once I try I grab back on

WHY?

I am concerned what will become of the boys and steve if we move out…and I am equally sure it will end well but the fear that the outcome is on me…is on me to do this ,,,that is where I am short circuiting…

But they have come to the table- see opportunities themselves…who knows- maybe this is just who steve and I are at the core…fire types that argue often and loudly and love just as strongly…

And if they move and if we like it..ill say yeah for us all…but quietly…I was right
Ha

Xoxoxo
S

Kitchen

love is in the ….saying goodbye to say hello

I have found it is in the hello that we realize we are in love…but it is in the forgetting that allows the hello to happen. We have all been here before and we must forget it all. the more we forget the more we remember fresh and the more we can fall in love daily…

it annoys me to hang with people who remember so well YEt….they forget to forget.

Kitchen

Goodbye…..kitchen

Funny- all our arguments start isn’t he kitchen. THis idea of the feminine seems to hold up in the space between the fridge and the sink and the counter and the crumbs and it bothers us.

I wonder if we leave this house and this kitchen and all the arguments that kept us together will we be able to enjoy the JOY and stop retracing the fault lines.

I am exhausted this week from the conversation about raising kids and raising roofs and moving on and my soul is in need of this…NOTHING. A day of absolute simple calmness that requires only a faint bit of curiosity to exist.

Kitchen

Music has power

When were curse words a must in songs? The words are Spells and our children hear them. I wonder if it changes them or if I am just getting guncool and scared..maybe words shouldn’t hold too much power..

I was at a fitness class the other day and I was with my son. Evey song they played at #risenation had words in it my 14 year old doesn’t say nor wants to hear when we workout.

When we are moving our body seems to me more absorbent than when we are still and the words I hear when working out can seep deeper in-

Be careful the words you allow to enter your heart- yours or others paint the story…be aware..

And please offer classes with non explicit music.

Susie

Kitchen

Hello…..GRaNT

I found myself taking a turn based on an email that is one a thread.

I happened to be on a list that happened to send out an email about a grant for a 20 minute piece and I thought. YES-

Then I thought but I’ve done that before and it it didn’t work out so I thought …I’ll learn to write a grant and I googled how to and up came Thumbtack and then the thought was..I can’t write a grant but they can and I need help explaining.

So I posted the job- a three day turn around- I got a few quotes back, I called one- I liked her- she was hired-

She wrote the grant and in three days time I applied PROPERLY to a grant.

The idea of knowing what I am not capable of is a beautiful thing because it also makes be honor what i am capable of.

I am going to build out my SHOW this year- get it funded through Kick Starter- take the one woman show to Edinburgh and then get it produced into a series at some point.

I am able to see the map bc an ex sent me a link to a show that did exactly that. I don;t need to revive net the wheel just copy it on my side of the pond.

I am so ready to break free- cut my strings and fly and this idea of building my work, being my own agent and manager is giving me the tanaacity in my art form I was deeply lacking. I am not anyone’s Pawn.

I am my own tool that I can manage and use to move myself to my desire…create work and tell the stories I want to tell…

The auditions and the other gigs are not the focus but more an exercise in being both the artist and the business side…jut keep moving…as long as I keep my own SHOW on the Front Burner I am able to engage with other artist I hope..

And now having this woman Writor – I believe it is time to write my book and have her look at my work and get it organized to publish. Why Not.

S