Author: Susie Taylor

Kitchen

Nothing is….#easy

Just finished season 2 of #easy and all i can say is THANK GOODNESS i am not an actress in that show. The lines they are pushing are gone and this is not a “SCRIPTED” piece but rather an unveiled piece that puts the actors right up on the line of what is ART and what is entertainment and what is PORN.
I think everything is blending together and the lines for me are gone.

I am still a little shocked at the porn vibe the show had in the sex worker scene and how conversational it was. How mundane sex is in this show and how kind of great that is for people who are repressed and how kind of sad that is for the romantic in me.

I went to acting school to learn how to tell stories and there are many but there comes an age where I am finding the type of story I tell affects people and the question is HOW..but see that is not an artists problem…the artist problem is not to care how…or else you become an activist…oh dear..is that what I am?

S

Acting

Is your ACTING technique harming you?

If you use your painful experiences to help you tap into emotion in your work you are re triggering your past experiences and will have to contend with that trauma after the play/film is done.

If you allow yourself to fully feel the trauma of your character you will also need to deal with that residue after the play is over

If you are aware of your ability to absorb try and get out of character often- in between scenes and when the play is finished each night and when the play closed- take time to RECOVER…maybe you will have less emotional traumas than most.

And a long and lovely career as well as home life.

I also suggest consider NOT marrying an actor. Actos by natural are transient and one in a relationship is quite enough.

Kitchen

Bait and Switch…perpetuated by me.

The internal lineage line of a lady in waiting is getting snipped.
IT is not getting torn or broken just snipped.

I am showing Steve how it has worked so swell for him over the years and how his understanding that I will do what pleases him has built a life we both love but not own.

It is neither or our’s as he built mine and i built his and now we have to step aside to posses it …equally ourselves.

I say that becasue neither of us fully committed to things when it came to our own work.

Yesterday as my sister walked in to tell us what we need to do to get the house SALE ready- she pointed out that the Mezuzah on the door was falling off.

That Mazusah was placed there a few years ago and the Jewish men that placed it mentioned how it represents compromise. I remember thinking…Has Steve EVER compromised..Have I asked him too?

Fast forward to this day – some years later- and it is falling off.

It is New Years tonight for us jewish souls. A time to ask for forgiveness and what I will ask myself for is TO forgive myself for alleasing others..It had lead me to where I am and now it is time to release that skill set. I have played that role enough and there is nothing more I can get out of it.

Nothing more…becasue the Bait and Switch I have been living with was ALLOWED becasue I was a lady in waiting.

If I stop waiting for OTHERS to be happy…what will happen to me…and them…maybe there is a moement in motherhood when the hood raises off our eyes and we see we have built a garden and all we need to do is step far enough away to enjoy what is looks like.

Susie

Kitchen

The sadness of finding flow

The thing that I wondered is…if you find flow will you loose your loves.
The answer…some of them.

Some of your loves were loves to get you here and those you will loose…and then some of the loves are why you got here and those you keep.
You can;t hang on to the bridges you crossed..if you ever want to get to the other side..so yes..you will loose some and for me mine is wanting to play those dark deep seeded roles that are required to anoint great actors.
I am done trying to dig internally to grasp at my coils and put them on display for you. I am done hurting to find the rawness of it all.

So to teach my class..i think that too is over..it was more for me then you my loves. More for my ability to be kind regardless and love relentlessly and pursue your pursuits – but the truth is

I am not in love with your teacher anymore..she is free and has learned her lesson. I am not in love with the ideas you anointed me with in fact they scare me more than anything. I wish you all freedom form anyone’s point of view and that you see your light with your own eyes deeper than anyone ever could or will. You experience your life and we are here to tap you to center..
I’m thankful to you all my students my roles that were darker than me..to all things OTHER…but now..it is time to be ME
S

Kitchen

Thank you but….no

This week I auditioned for two theater plays a voice over and a made for TV show. I heard from two of them. One I did not get but was quickly asked to read in a play reading session with them in a few weeks. I accepted.
I love play readings..low commitment- high enjoyment and all and all a lovely night.

I also heard from the second play – I was offered a role that I felt might be Angry. I mentioned that I was thrilled o be part of the piece but not as an Angry person. I know myself and Anger is toxic..nudity on the other hand..no issue…HA THey informed me that my role was indeed angry and that there was no alternative way to portray it..

I said thank you but no thank you. THis is the first time I ever in my life let a role go. It wasn’t;t the money it was the emotion that I couldn;t play anymore.

I have told my students to do this and this was the first time I had the where with all to heed my own wisdom.

I also was asked to speak a the business chamber..some 5 months after I applied due to nepotism and I accepted which sent me on a wild goose chase of defending this opportunity by trying to reinstate my SURF acting class.

IT was bibbitec all over. I had put the class down bc I learned what I needed and yet when a wanting person gave me attention I began to try and justify it..

I spend a few days thinking of how to trademark my name but the truth came when today I was creating a logo and i was annoyed and Steve was my voodoo doll. Poor guy. I am poking him…trying to ignite his SUPER POWER
Where he called my bullshit and release me from my angst and take me HOME-

I tell him that this request to talk has spured me to look for spaces and try and restart my class…
He says” that makes no sense”
I say” it is a sign..that I was asked”
He says “and that is why you are wrong.”
He asked” do you want to teach”
I say I miss doing my class but I am over teaching…over caring about others in front of me…I’ve helped enough…I don’t care that much anymore”

Truth is nasty- hard and really hurts when you let it in..but it equally heals when you do. I have no desire to build the class out..but I miss dancing and I just want to find a place…

No. I have a place a studio I can use with my EarPods..alone- Monday or Wednesday.. and that’s what Ill do-

Still thinking I woudl like to apply for the FRINGE in EDINBUOGH..or maybe in NYC if they have it this year..give myself a deadline…
Then these nibbles won’t be so attractive

I need to love my work beyond all the rest and my work is my piece…I lost focus this week but it was good to close the door on my class and even another play I was kind of cast in but the role was angry and i can’t afford anger in my psyche right now.

Whoever you are…reading my blog…I hope you are not an ARIES…we have another few days of this back and forth crazy!

Kitchen

Hello ……WIngs

this past two days minus yesterday – I watched three full seasons of three shows. Fleabag, Sisters and Chica something..

Then yesterday I took my boys to school and then went to the gym then chopped off a few inches of my hair….

Doing “nothing” letting go…allowing the universe to align with you…visa versa….

I also listened to several tarot card readings about my September and they all said…tough one….decisions…liars….etc… ALl of them…

When several tarot card readers from all over the world give out the same reading for ARIES September 1-15 you know it is not YOUR time and you sit back and just dive deep and like a SURFER…find a sturdy rock to hold on to while the waves pass above you.

And I did..I felt the energy and I bunkered down and then yesterday
I received three emails

one that I was NOT cast in CIty THeater Winter SHorts
two- that I was asked to do a reading with City THeater this MOnday
three- that I was invited to join a Shakespeare group that performs for children in schools
four- that I was invited to speak about my class at the MIami Beach Chamber wellness committee in November.

seeds get planted and sometimes we have to distract our selves with dancing so that they can grow in peace..
Goodness is not forced or demanded it is offered up

My addiction to the MALE GAZE is over…i don’t feel it and know that -that portion of my life is truly gone. I hope that these next chapters offer me something more that superficial glances…something deeper and more lasting and eternal.

The Male gaze holds no charge but for a memory of a world I am not of anymore…

I long for and have desired to be understood and heard..and that world is only built through my Gaze- my words- my value

xoxoxoxo

Thank you universe for allowing this reset…for offering me the opportunity to shift …for unanchoring me from the roots of this past life- this house- these stories and to levitate above them in search of my future..
Than you for letting me kindly grow my wings these past few years so that they can take me to the places I desire.

S

Kitchen

Is memory …movement based

I was just listening to someone discuss smart phone dimetia-
It was how we can;t remember a phone number bc our smart phone has made us dumb-

I think memories and learning are movement based so as we become less movement based we become more vessels and less content based.

We don;t need to hold or can’t becasue we never actually found the thing we were looking for
We click it and it came and with the least amount of energy…we “gathered knowledge” but did we actually learn

Learning is process oriented and you can;t create a process in a tw demintial world. The glass phones have the Lesa St amount of texture and it creates the least mount of resistance and in that we glide and slide past ideas and thoughts

If we are not phycailly DIALING anymore then yes…we can’t remember the number as well…try opening up your keyboard and dialing out a number a few times…don’t call it just keep dialing it and on the tenth time you do the number I bet your will see the physical pattern and the number will be locked in your head

This is how actos memeorize. They create the physical world for their lines and then the words have homes and it become clear what is said when you are doing what..it all goes together.

Which brings me back to the Ktichen…movements can create memory recalls
Likw when you do a repetite movement if there is an emotional memory attached to it —things come up.
Travel alleviates the routine scene we play out over and over and maybe moving will also do the same..it is hard to remember your LINES when the set changes…habits display and thoughts can be altered…as long as the set isn;t constantly reminding you of your PAST LINES and thus your past pains and past circumstances…
I move my furniture often for exactly this reason…

Xo
S

Kitchen

Hello…..old scene

When you try and do somethign NEW what I find tends to happen is all these OLD stories and scenes begin to percolate to the top.

Maybe it is that opportunity to let them go that we miss and instead attach ourselves to- when you are in it…alone..it is hard…

Yet once you KNOW what the other person is going to say that means you have been here bolero and the GAME is…can you choose another tactic.

My mom always goes for a laugh, steve uses sweetness, I just go quiet…I lack the ability to turn out of a tale spin and prefer trying to avoid them all together

But since the kids started school this have been 100 miles an hour…not with activities but out of pure changeness…we are adjusting to the ruitine and it is happening..

But the house.. the time is ticking and it needs to be let go of by once I try I grab back on

WHY?

I am concerned what will become of the boys and steve if we move out…and I am equally sure it will end well but the fear that the outcome is on me…is on me to do this ,,,that is where I am short circuiting…

But they have come to the table- see opportunities themselves…who knows- maybe this is just who steve and I are at the core…fire types that argue often and loudly and love just as strongly…

And if they move and if we like it..ill say yeah for us all…but quietly…I was right
Ha

Xoxoxo
S