Author: Susie Taylor

Kitchen

Hello…acting?

I miss you. I know we had a great time and I know I got worked up a bit but I’ve taken myself out of the running as far as legit work and focused more on student film. Becoming a student myself.

I was just told about another role for a film and it made me smile. The one acting teacher who actually took my class and participated in it asked me to film this with him. I am not sure yet if the director will cast me but the idea of working again made me smile.

I guess you Ae like a lover acting. I have to sometimes let you go – give us space- so we can fall in love again.

I am still interested in that CO-OP Agebcy for actors where we train and also help each other land roles.

They have models of this in the UK and I feel like I would like to connect with a few actors in Miami and build this out…as was my original idea many years ago.

I am going to ask a woman in Miami who is super kind to take my photo and start there. Why do I always say I am not going to act again? Just to keep acting interested in me?
Again…timing——

Kitchen

Hello…ETSY

Yesterday I posted the latest simplified version of the bibbitec for sale on EtSY. Just me and a woman who cuts and sews and Etsy. I want to see if timing makes a difference in business. https://www.etsy.com/search?q=bibbitecETSY SHOP

I am going to take orders and then build them out I am also NOT going to use social media but rather the universe to push the idea. I want to see if the wind behind my back is a thing. I also heard right before I went to sleep that Shark Tank aired our episode again for the “millionth” time.

So now to sit to see is someone who has recently had a bay find the bib on ETSY!

Game ON!

Kitchen

Hello Dar

We met in High school. In science class- we clicked. Two Jewish japs in science class with no scruples. I’ll take the blame for our creative way of passing classes but in the end our canoe trip down peace river may have sealed our friendship.

We had other strong friendships that were born before and after our tenth grade meeting but the one we share is special.

While I was in NYC we spent 48 solid hours together and my visit with her this past weekend is a testament to the power of those that love you for you.

We laughed so hard I think I tore a an muscle, we wondered aimlessly back and forth trying to find Amsterdam, we ate a massive lunch with chicken and goat cheese followed by Chinese and fortune cookies and wine, we corrected ourselves the next day and ate pink berry for dinner…and mostly we laughed so hard through it all. Seeing how she sees the city is amazing. SHe walks through the streets and people smile at her..she has built community!

I love her more than anyone else and during Yoga I lost focus just staring at how beautiful she is.See….

We harbor absolutely no jealously between us. I am sure of it. I know myself and i know how easily hurt I can get when I feel the person I am speaking to has negative energy toward me or from me. But with Daria it is never the case.

I think I figured out why. Daria sees me for me and loves it all.

Daria has something I could NEVER fully attain but fully respect. SHe is sensible. She is able to take my creative inpetripations or a throught and break it down very kindly and and slowly in order for me to see where i might have lined things up wrong. It is amazing me.

One of the latest was my decision to get the lift. I had decided not to be FAKE and now a lift..was that another FAKE- SHe has small perky boob because she is the most beautiful thing ever. A tiny brunette that seemes unscathed by bearing two kids.

She talked me through the proces and we decided that having cute boobies was not fake- it was sensible…and having my mother with me during the surgery was a must.-

I took her advise and booked my surgery- nixed the implants everyone else suggested and now- I am sitting here. THankful for the sensible freind who happens to be the smartest woman i know…and not becasue she graduated from several IVY LEGAUESE…those are just happen stance…she has always been brilliant…

Funny how It took me years to really understand that although I am a creative wiz there are women in my life that understand the practical aspects of living a lot more than me and I am happy to have them by myside.

In fact if I rcecount the times I followed Daria’s advice and the times I wasn’t wise enough to…I can tell you that following her advice has never proved to be a mistake..

Maybe becasue we both believe in Marriage and family above everything and have devoted out lives to that in not an intense career..maybe her perspective is the most valuable bc our missions are the same…to love and be loved by those we love.

We tend to be traditional and both our husbands are the bread winners…this is not universal among most of my friends and that parallel is respected by each other and not looked down upon or pitted.

I could write all day about my DAR. But for now…know if she ever gives you advice…take it!

Xo

Kitchen

Hello Tennis

I left playing tennis in my high school years and have only played here and there – a lesson or two- since..I was ok- but I could never beat my mother due to her her daily tennis ritual which at times of my youth appeared to over throw my childhood needs- planted a seed.

I couldn’t really LOVE tennis becasue my mom loved it more- sometimes it seemed more than she loved me.- FUnny how these truths we misplanted can grow tiny roots in our story.

The sliver roots showed themselves this summer…when my husband missed two phone calls from the boys while they were away at camp and he happened to be playing golf at the time>
As I explained to my son why his dad missed the calles my son seemed unfazed but a small volcano began to erupt within me.

A feeling of being left on the dock of a terrible all girls camp while my mom waved and my father filmed and laughed flickered through my mind. A feeling I can align with being depreserted- laughed at for my drama – – her magnitizing to things more in her control like tennis – something she was great at…and seen in…is understandable.

( As a mother myself having been with out my boys for about 4 weeks I can understand that being a MOTHER of young children isn’t always my hearts desire. I love them and we have a great relationship but the ROLE of mother can get old at times and from my perspective I can see why tennis may have won out every once in a while. )

So-

I awake yesterday in the Berkshires at her home….with a realization that my mom still all these years later laughs at me and whatever thing I am doing that she seems excessive…i was bothered by it and realizing it was my issue I kayaked it out of me and logically maneuvered my feelings back in check…Stop trying to be something you aren’t…and people will stop laughing… THis means…to me…just go with the flow…not against the current…not excessive effort and see where the wind takes you- remember to FLOW!

FLow state takes me usually to amazing places I could neve have never thought of… versions of relationships I amd my ego couldn’t find.

so when I was standing across her at her kitchen counter this morning and she mentioned she was heading to play tennis- she also happened to randomly ask If I wanted to play with her.

I accepted and took up the opportunity- perhaps- to reset my story through stokes and serves and volley’s-

I arrived on the court after she had already began to play doubles with her crew..and eventually I took ove as my mothers double partner. ( I had imagined we’d be playing against each other and had already began to statigize a way to beat her)

I think this may have been the first time I played WITH her. I felt calm and relaxed and my mother ( a star tennis playing my anyone’s measure..) began to coach me.

“Watch the alley, they are both lefties”
“Don’t cross the court when you end up center, return to your side”
“Watch the ball…keep your head down..”
And then
“NICE SHOT SUSIE!!!!!”

I wasn’t the insecure girl I had been all the years before. My tongue wasn’t hanging out in order to concentrate. I was relaxed. I placed the ball I took her constant direction and we ended up winning the match 6 -2- I even won on my serve one which was huge!

So tennis began to look different to me. It looked like something I could connect to my mom with and not resent. It could be something I could approach with a master perspective of appreciation and not jealousy.

Plus- I like the clothes,

I love the game. As my mom says, you only need one other person to play is!

So rekindling leads to rewriting -with my mother by my side – I free myself from the residue of resentment of those who chose games over my drama…I get it now…Drama

Match- Set – Game.

What do you and your mother have that you can try and rekindle and thus rewrite..?

Kitchen

Hello NYC

Upon landing in the city yesterday it occurred to me that this was ME the REAL ME returning to the city I loved. I left my LARGER WINDOWED WALL studio apartment in 1999 to go home to Miami for thanksgiving which morphed into a boob job which morphed into hesitation upon returning which morphed into working in a few PAID plays in Miami, which morphed into gettin engaged to an old flame, then married and Allon little slow detachments…

And that’s how I left NYC…it kind of happened…I never REALLY ever went back…I subleted out my LARGE WINDOWED WALL studio rent stabilized apartment on 15th and 3rd and rented a one bedroom balcony apartment in MIami Beach…It happened like that…Steve preferred Miami and looking back I have to say the idea of returning to NYC to continue my acting with my new boob additions felt like Pig in lipstick but HOT.:)

NYC to me meant authenticity.where serious actors go….. Miami was FAKE and silly and now I was FAKE..and becoming silly .so I kind of felt more at home in my Home town of 305.

So yesterday when I landed it was the first time since 1999 ( sans implants) that I had been in the CIty without my Implants and to those who have never had them – it meant that my heart was a little closer to the air-the smell- the city and we were beating in unison… and the felling is of being HOME HERE…within myself..reclaiming inch by inch my self.

Letting go of NYC was not easy but my life in Miami was. It it warm and exciting and green and sun filled and sand paved.

Mistakes make us who we are…and help us us appreciate who we aren’t

Kitchen

Letting go …of Botox

I tried Botox a few years ago. It was great all my lines disappeared and my age went down at least five maybe even ten years. It was amazing…the first time when it went well but the constant returning to the Dr’s office became a drag.

“ THose lines must be driving you crazy” She comes toward me with a vile of relief and the movement of this repetitive action begins to scrap at my internal chord. My chord that was growing stronger..or wanted to. THe desire to know myself.

I decided to try and see what life was like without it…it sucked I grew ten years older over night and felt the power of my prowess dissolve. I say the value of the Male Gaze but it was the female smirks I was now receiving.

Lines on anyone’s forehead are starting to drive people crazy it seems and tyrgin to communicate with loved one whose expressions were limited was beginning to bother me.

I have chose to explore the road of agin as best I can without FAKE things in me. Without limiting my movement and without disgracing my experiences. I am ok- I can;t say I am fully at FLOW with it- but I believe it is an aging process more than anything.

I google reasons not to do it just to keep me centered in the journey but it is harder than I imagined frowning OLD in Miami at a day and time when youth and the young hold the power.

I suppose it is part of letting go of a power that perhaps wasn’t mine to begin with because in the end your can’t loose what was never yours.

S

Kitchen

Letting go of … FACEBOOK

About 3 months ago I realized I was very much ONLINE and into facebook!

Then Listened to Zuckerberg during his deposition.

He kept saying, “ I’m sorry “

I decided I didn’t want to be involved in whatever it was he was sorry for.

MId in April 2017 -I went off cold turkey from

Off Facebook
all social media- eventually removed the vlogs I had posted throughout the year and sat still.

The first few days were hard. I didn’t know what to do with my hands or my thoughts. I was just walking in circles suffering from a post social media dayz.

I was reprogramming in a way- a desire to be heard and seen were now being projected back onto be. It was on me…my choice ….to find something that I wanted to fill my mind with. and do and not just sit idly by waiting for information to inspire me to take action.

I also went off news and began to disconnect from all the information I had filled myself with. I journeyed sans audience and sans applause.
It was very lonely in a way- disconnected in a way.

FRom this lonely stillness I began to move slowly and softly and have recently found myself in a little tribe I never knew about and doing movement I never dreamed of.

As a movement person this injects obvious bliss..removed of all outside attraction I go inside and find myself outside again.

S

Kitchen

Letting go of….my Implants

The producer and star of the next play I was going to be in, cornered me in my tiny kitchen in my NYC apartment and looked at me and said…” The Director is concerned about your breasts.”

He had just gotten a full view of them that evening while I was portraying Helen of Troy and protesting who couldn’t want “these” and pulled my top down.

I was closing the role of Helen of Troy so looking back probably more HELEN Than Susie When I heard this NOTE and Both Susie’s drive and Helen’s passion became determined to FIX the problem.

I went home to Miami and went to a doctor. He suggested a lift but I didn’t want scars
( ya know topless scenes and all) and so I said what are my options and there you have it..I got my boobs. I always loved big boobs but honestly the moment I saw them on me I knew they weren’t mine but my mom told me to wait it out..I did..some 18 years)

I ended up NEVER returning to NYC after the surgery…

Instead I ended up getting married and having kids

( THANK GOODNESS- if I would get bibs ha I mean BOOBS for a role what else was a capable of doing for a part?)

The boobs served me well in Miami and I learned to love them and use them to the best of my abilities until after the second kid was 11 I realized I Have fully and truly waited it out…and I was finished being the SEXY SUSIE – I wanted something else and thus these BOOBS they had to go.

It took a while to find the right Doctor that would allow me to process out the way I needed. From a draining of the saline to the explanation to the lift. ( she is still convinced I won’t be happy and will return in a year for the implants because she knows how many other women can’t go the long hall without the power of thos boobies…a fix that once you experience you KNOW what your are REALLY missing out on )

BUt since MY boob explanation was part of a fuller journey of self it has a platform to rest on. I have other desires that demand NOT FAKE anything and in that I have become super content with my tiny ta tas- they are not in the way and allow me to move through the world without too much MALE GAZE from men and WOMEN…

That song Tits and Ass is TRUE- 100% and I am happy I found it out myself and was able to undue it for myself as well.

Kitchen

Letting go of… the Male Gaze

No Home for the Feminine

About a year and a half ago I learned I wanted to hang out with ONLY WOMEN-

– I was working on a play about the intense relationship between Bettie Page and Bunny Yeager and I started to feel that they used their sexuality to get ahead and in that I realized they were quite cruel to themselves and others and maybe I was too.

The Male Gaze revealed itself to me and I wanted to explore the impact it had on my life. How was a using and being used by the Male Gaze

The question was where in my life can I be go to AVOID IT?

I wanted to know the value of speaking directly to a group of women.

I considered FACEBOOK-

I spent a day removing 500 men from my facebook page, including my husband and what I found was that over the course of the year I was able to be more sincere in my videos…without placing the air of Secuality on what I was doing…in order to give it value…( something I didn’t realize I have always done)

I found that most of my life I have used my sexuality as a crutch or a sword to gain position and now speaking to women..I began to see who I was without that GAZE- without the need to implore my sexual energy to gain attention.

My facebook videos become super honest and direct and I started to see a softer version of Susie in the public eye and it was refreshing and freeing.

This understanding that I was powered and empowered through the MALE GAZE led me on a personal journey to unplug form it in every way and to every degree I could without sacrificing my authentic self.

IT took a year but I believe I have explored a life without the gaze and the detox of being without it and the joy of knowing the addiction of it and the calmness of not needing it or wanting it as I know it is a doorway to a path I have fully explored.

I yearn for newness in my life now-

S

Kitchen

Letting go of… bibbitec

The bibbitec bib that I created and took to Shark Tank.
Being a creative is amazing..it allows you to consider you can do anything and be anything …but the reality is that is not true…I can not really BE anything…I am already something…

Yes I can invent a bib, Yes I can get on a TV show, Yes I can commit to my business beliefs and turn down an offer ( never seen on the show itself)

Yes I can pretend to be moral and upstanding about something I pretended to care about but the truth is…in the end…

As my father said…” you know nothing about this business”
I could have taken that to heart but instead I took it as a challenge and set out to prove how I could do it- how I was of value in the monetary world.

But getting out of that “Challenge” that CHaracter is what was head-

Because I had that five minute of fame on SHark Tank I created a thread with one of the most famous TV shows. IT gave my idea an international presence and even some four years later keeps airing..

I think I even have a membership to SOHO house because of it so how could I Let that go..?

The truth is the Fame is not my purpose. I am a problem solver and a healer like my father and I had a respect for the performing because part of my family were singers but in the end… I am most happy one on one and in my own company or healing people.

Plus bibbitec was in the end a business and from my experience you CAN NOT be a fullly ethical or altruistic person rather in business. You just can’t! There are corners and ideas you have to soften in order to move on and so staying TRUE to your mission is not always best for business and usually your mission is based on an idea. Like mine was..that in the end FALSE

FOr example. Made in America was important to me because CHina had made toxic baby toys my kids played one…( wa this all a revenge scheme) but in the end we have prisons filled with innocent people getting paid pennies to make MADE IN AMERICA for private companies and so by promoting made in AMERCIA I ended up promoting something I didn’t want to align with. ( The factory I used wasn’t a prison but they had to drop bibbitec * and 300 other small business) because prison factories were out bidding them for other deals and so they had to return to working fully with the military …which also- I have heard can hire those prisons to build their stuff I am told)

SO what I am saying is that my truth is a desire to live to my own moral compas in all aspects of my life. With my friends, with my family, with my work. It has led me here..to writing..just me and the screen creating a two way conversation involving my soul searching journey.

S