Author: Susie Taylor

Kitchen

Home …with boys

I am a mother and wife and I have three boys plus a male dog in my house. And all i want really is the scense of flow-

My freinds and some family in the Latin side of my life claim time is limited…the family on the Jewish side is a more go and be free mentality and time…is not limited..or limiting..

But i feel AT times that these differences in culture slice thorugh me…compromise me and confuse me.

I don’t want to be a mother hen watching over and taking temp- I rather they cook for me and clean their rooms and wonder if I can do one thing for them and NOT WONDER why I don’t do everything…

I am not sure how others move but I won’t clean your kitchen in a thousand years and yet that is what I pretended to do for Steve…when we met and I set the stage the conversation and ever since I have been dragged into an amazing life….more than what I expected..a free dove surrounded by constant love and at peace in my little piece of Miami.

Kitchen

Hello….N.W.S.A.

I sat at a table last night after a play reading and what came to me was that many of the people I was sitting with and the one who organized the reading had all been part of New World School of the Art. A school I graduated from WAAAAAYYYY back in the day.

So basically, I was sitting at a table of like minded artist becasue they were all put through the same training.We connected and were on the same page instantly becasue we knew where we came from. Be it good or bad…it was the same and in that there was a familiarity to us all. We all had a touchstone…a commonality of trainers that we could compare notes on and in that I realized what I had been searching for all along was here…a family. Independent of each other we are all actresses all trained at one point at the base point…alike.

I felt at home..in my way, in this really soft way. I don’t know these women very well but we are all still sisters. We were raised by the teachers and went through the same mini-dramas that built us to be exactly who we turned out to be.

IT was a great night and to remember that no matter what…I am an actress and I can never undue it.

S

Kitchen

Goodbye ….Borders

If you aren’t speaking with your friends of family over different political, religious, gender, health issues than what the president is saying is true.

We are all angry and upset and unwilling to accept “immigrants” in our land.

Our land being our home our mind our heart…We put up our own walls everyday because we don’t want to know or hear about their ideas because that would mean we’d have to walk a few inches from our own.

And yet it is only in walking a few inches from our own we actually begin to trust ourselves. So when you CAN’t listen and learn or hold a calm conversation you are not secure in yourself beyond your opinions. And the thing is…your ideas are not you. Your beliefs are only bumpers that help you stay in this lane and the truth is when you switch lanes…your bumpers might switch and the only reason you even need bumpers is to protect YOURSELF from going over the edge.

Your beliefs are fluid and change…maybe drastically or minutely but they alter and shift and if you can’t abandon them and walk to the center to gather intel you will never be able to change the world…because you have no idea what the other people need, want, yearn for, are scared of.

This country has never been the ideal we wish is was. We are not the retouched versions of ourselves we put out to the world…real change has to deal with real truths that were at least for a moment true…until they aren’t.

The truth is we aren’t all always nice and we never have been. We have been human and protective and horrible when we felt we had to. We are all just exactly each other but at different times and in different places and somehow WE feel we are better than and in that moment of entitlement ..in all our moments is where we can truly affect change…when we realize we are no better and would be no better if we were in those situations …and to hold court because you happen to be born X and not Y… well let’s just hope reincarnation isn’t true and you don’t come back as your worst nightmare.

Make peace with all those around you…just Incase..

Better safe than…

Kitchen

Hello…tollerance

It is funny. I know that my industry is probable not going to change that much in just the 7 months since HARVEYGATE…i am not even sure it is possible to fully change a system that has a systemic issue…I think what I can do is approach the system with an understanding of what I am going into.

I can move slower and with more respect in myself and manage my own choices and steps and allowing myself to choose my path.

I think this awakening is not going to change more how women treat themselves, our daughters and each others…I think they will stop being quiet and stop keeping secrets but I am not sure they will stop objectifying themselves..

The reason I say this as one who has and struggles not to is that it would mean to go intirely against a culture that you maneuvered through and which created your station.

We were born into adjusting ourselves to attain the beauty and sex powers and we have thus used them…either for our own feeling of value or to create it for others to value us by but in the end the players…me and other women in similar games stayed in maneuvered through…for a reason…

That reason doesn’t make them less or more it makes then a reaction to
Their situation
The society around them
The internal value of worth placed on them at a young age
The external power they and their fellow woman place on Sexual BEauty
THe commercial content they digest daily
And
The numbers of women in power who don’t feel threatened by them

I go back to my piece about the Male Gaze-

If that is what you are charging on then your value is external
The way the world sees women has to begin with how women see women. How mothers accept daughters
How sisters support sisters and how children treat their mothers…
If we can get conversation set. Make it between us first then we can move forward but
From my own experience…
If you hold a grudge against your own female family don’t expexct the neighbors or the working arenas to be any different for you.

Objectifying ourselves is a massive businesses becasue there is a need for it.
How we have all chosen to see sex, use sex, and become the object rather than the desire itself….that’s a conversation I would like to have..

PS..BOTOX commercials for men make me sad….it is the beginning of the end of raw masculine power – which I love and desire and never want to see go away..
This is not about how they treat women..it is about how they move through the world with the most amazing confidence that is makes me aspire to NOT GIVE A SHIT as well..

S

Kitchen

Goodbye…agent..and cat

Yesterday I spent some time on Backstage. I had started my membership again and in the three days since this little tingle from deep within me started to awaken… an excitement about acting that had tried to return but I wasn’t ready…yet.

So I began to submit myself for auditions and even learned that a theater company I’ve worked with is holding auditions and in just a text, a click, I began to remember…

I Am An Actress

Acting seems to have been revealed in the past few years as the business it really is. In that I feel free to renter without this veil of BS I was having to play. Pretending to NOT NOTICE and then when I did take offense when my agent didn’t respond the way i wanted her to ..defend who I felt needed her protection.

Now I can audition for work I want to do and for the price I want to get paid and all becasue I removed my REPRESENTATION in my online profile from agent to NONE>
Becasue in the end I desire to represent myself and I have no need for middle people –

Also It asked me on my profile if I still have a calico cat. I had forgotten that backstage and casting network asks these questions in case the piece you are auditioning for needs one.

My cat Kito died in December and so I erased the information and replaced it with a DOG…which at that very moment ended up getting out our back fence and when I left my desk to retrieve him he was poking his head under my house…

He found four baby kittens..

Funny how letting go really often means saying hello.

I am currently talking directly to casting directors, producers and writers about auditions and parts and I have to tell you… I love it..

Being my own agent, manager and publicist is going to be a joy becasue the only thing I have learned I can control is how I HANDLE myself.

My son has begun taking care of the kittens…he is a sweet boy and it is amazing that out of all the houses in the block…the momma cat chose ours.

Kitchen

Hello …crow to headstand to backbend

This vacation I had a vision of myself dancing in the grass. Doing many things I at this moment have never done. I. Was inspired to create a combination of movement and practice it over my travels these past two weeks.

It was a cartwheel on the right then on the left a body roll then roll down into a crow then head stand hold then into back bend and GET UP.

I have not yet gotten up but through videoing myself and watching it back I was able to adjust my movement from the external eye and and I completed all the others..

I am able to get up from a mid height…like a ottoman or bed but not the floor exactly…

But this inspired me and kept my mind fluid….and gave it something to PLAY with.

I am thinking this is what the new movement work I will be studying will continue to do.

Monotony is the death of me! SKT

S

Kitchen

Hello….Republic of Movement.

Miami treats me like Alice in WOnderland…the moment I decide to look for a KEY is the moment the entire city seems to split open and reveal itself yet again.

I was lead to a place two blocks away from the school my son attended for three years. This means I drove near it often and yet…never SAW it.

I went to my first class a few weeks ago and then the next day my second and the approach to movement aligns with my internal philosophy of kindness and I am intrhalled..

I can see how one can become a groupie but I like being a groupie..I was that with POLE and Bikram and so why not and this…it includes outside and travel and fluidity and connection which is what I want to train in.

I have no clue why or what will become of this for me but as a student of movement I want to know how to play in this extended mindset with peaople in MY city that already are in this conversation.

I feel my body was a peace here…not punching or climbing or lifting…it is all flow and fluid and form follows function…so if I am to stay in this beautiful state of flow that I have found within myself I much protect it with a training that honors that approach..

I look forward to seeing what a year with Ido Portal Trainers takes me and my work..
I am going to consider it my next schooling-higher education… and treat it with the same respect —-

I hope to travel with it and perhaps meet Ido and then bring my actors to it or teach the other students the game to create stories from love…through these bodies of movers.

Exciting thoughts are ticking my ears but I am ahead of myself….

Xoxoxo SUSIE

Kitchen

Hello …Susanne?

A scene between 40 and 44

A- Hey snooze

B- It is Susanne now

A- Really?

B_ Well..yeah..I guess

A- Getting older Susanne

B_Trying to

A- Why

B- Because I want to accept it before the inevitable

A- Youth is still on your side

B- It was..

A- Are you giving up?

B- I am undoing my fakeness

A- Your what

B- My bullshit ness

A- Why

B- I want to experience MY life…not a version of it.

A- Why

B- TO know I was present…here..living …not just adjusting my reality to what I want wish convinced it should be

A- Sounds heavy

B- It is actually really light

A- Easy?

B-Getting there …just have to let go of my lies- reset them

A-Did you return to them?

B-Some- NY- London- Reviewing them through my eyes now and through my body now..

A-Speaking of your body- what the hell did you do

B-Oh, you mean my breasts

A-Yeah- our boobs—what the fuck!!!

B-I took them out

A- Why? They were so fun and sexy and amazing

B- Because they were also Bullshit… you can’t evolve with bullshit in you or on you or else you just make MORE bull shit

A- So you are cleaning yourself out of bullshit

B- Of anger and I think the boobs gave me that and protected me at times too but regardless…I need to handle our Bullshit…and that means being REAL first with myself

A- You look very different…

B- I don’t do Botox either

A- Are you fucking kidding me….you are a train-wreck- you’re ruing ME.

B-I’ll find an alternative..i promise …i am concerned about freezing movement…which I believe is aligned with health

A- Shut up- Your husband is hot- he’ll leave you

B-He could- he won’t – or he would have..besides…it is a journey.

A- Your crazy

B- I am

A- My throat is closing…

B- I know

A- Are you doing this on purpose…bringing me here to see you murder me piece by piece— you are a wicked person..

B- I need to do this so you won’t try and come back- I need to burn our bridge so I can move into whatever this new version of susie

A- Susie again

B-I can’t shake it…is going to be and with YOU always trying to sneak in with that Acting shit is not helping.

A-Oh- so now you don’t want to act

B-I am sick of acting…I have only been acting …I built on the side line a great family and home and friends and I want to LIVE that life…not just hang out there till the REAL thing happens

A- You think you can be happy in mediocrity

B- Maybe you were always mediocre…especially when you started building a platform..

A- You can build from a platform

B- Nothing dramatic or exciting or new

A- No- nothing like that… but you can build something stable and steady and calm and I need that in my life

B- Where are all your friends?

A- I said goodbye

B- Why?

A- I only want to be with people taking this trip with me….the others hurt me too much..I am not kind enough to not hit back and this fight is almost done..i hope

B- Are you alone then

A- I have a few solids…wiser calmer less drama people to be around

B- You sound super dooper boring

A- I am – I put out all the HOT FIRES and I am back at the beginning…with my two sticks and my tinder leaves and I am just waiting to see how to make this OTHER fire work…

B- Without me?

A- You were amazing…you did a great JOB played the best role and now I have to stop using you…find ME ME Because you are not me NOW…see that over there……I am heading over that hill and I want to be graceful and kind about it…I am done struggling and fighting and resisting and forcing… I am better with the people I have around me…and being in their currents and just laying back and floating….I only get upset when I pull my head up and question…but see. This is not my normal and I have to relax and see where they take me…as I am…in peace and detachment from most of my past and also my future

B- So you have no clue If this is going to work?

A- No but I have faith it will be good- whatever IT is

B- I am worried

A- I’ll write…I promise…

Kitchen

YOU NEVER LET ME GO…THANK GOODNESS

I WROTE this diddy the other day…part of a song someone should write

You never let me go
You never let me go
You never let me go
No matter how I try to say good-

I never let you go
I never let you go
I never let you go
I matter how you tried to say good-

And here is the scene…it is about NOT being angry or unhappy or discontent.. and how strange that feels to me

A couple sitting on a rocking wooden bench looking over the mountains…sipping kambucha..

You: Now what

Me: no idea

You: I don’t know how to move from here

ME; you want to go back

You: Back there

Me: yes

You: because newness is hard

Me: I suppose

You: All this for nothin

Me: I guess

You: Gags and tittels

Me: entertainment with blood stains

You: Marriage is boring when we aren’t fighting

Me: That’s your issue

You: Fuck you!

Me: Your welcome.

You : I feel better now…thanks… ( Kisses)

Kitchen

HEY OLD SELF.

I finally got around to watching Tully. IT reminded me of a sketch I wrote and filmed about four years ago. It was such a special moment in my life and I worked with such a special women. Unforntualy I wasn’t able to keep her close and we have since separated but maybe that is the truth…you can’t keep all of you when you are evolving…
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=YDqZljVP86sA ROOM OF MY OWN.

Here is the full script…FULL SCRIPT READ ALONGI loved this time of my life- right before I entered back into acting and now…as I exit…the process begins again…I think IT IS TIME I write a new skit…where the older susie in this story meets up with me.

I MISS MY OLDER SUSIE——