Author: Susie Taylor

Kitchen

little un tolds…

i awoke today to a memory…I was walking into a bar in the Grove..I was looking at a guy in a booth…he had a pitcher of beer in front of him… I was scared and angry and attracted to this person all at once- he was you.

I was .at this bar on a mission. I was there to tell you to fuck off and to never talk to me again and to tell you that what ever you do moving forward -with whoever…don’t lie….like you did to me.

I approached you..I was light and free and I graceful I think and i sat at the wooden booth in the bar -I believe it was called Flamingo and I wondered…I wondered….how such a cute guy could screw me over so hard and how I doubled down that being screwed by marrying to another guy just to hammer it home.

So i am married sitting across from you …begrudging married to a wanker whose limp arms held me when I cried -when you didn’t come…men had so much importance in my life…i had a great father…too great.

I was bad at rejection bc I had no moderation…I was with you a 10000% or I was not – and even if I was kissing other guys while I awaited your supposed arrival I was sure it was bc you told me we weren’t dating and i suppose that in that no dating you were free to go back on your promise…your promise that led me to falling for you in the first place.

I promise…I’ll visit….fall in love with me….bc I won’t not follow through…and yet it was a summer fling and should have stayed a summer fling but I like to drag things on…and so I did till this morning some 22 years later and here is why

Because those little lies an un tells they are part of you…as you move through your day and I don’t walk the dog with you and hear your thoughts…I am out of the loop…I am fine about it…don’t worry about your details and yet..the finding out of these details….later…that begins to remind me how you once lied and never came to visit..

That you were deceptive

That you are a man

That you are human

That you are independent of me

That I …I am independent of you

and this money in my account that I earned one way or another is not your money and that

that separates us and it is new this seperations this un jointedness that causes me to awake to memories of the un-telling but then I have to reset it…reset it…as reality and nothing more than normal and

It is I that needs to watch my work and my step and my focus my intentions with others in my life

enough of this one…worry wart….enough of that one…bussier than I …enough of me and you and all of us…

I pay my workers…my artist…I pay them for their creativity.

And I pay you to not mind my desire to know…if we fall apart we will return again….as always…attached at the hip is not m liking so here we go…details be not known…

I will keep a few in my pocket just to feel like I am sound and safe with my self…

Kitchen

in a funk a delicatessen

Settling after a showing…a space awaits me and for what? I am interested in creating a studio to work and build and make…I am moving…forward…I am moving…backwards and sideways and up and down but mostly…forward…I am

perhaps…OK…again..OK…established and understanding myself…I am in a rut in a nook on a step falling off I am all of this at this time- I am – in a FUNK a DELICATESSEN….at the counter waiting to order a Pastrami and Rye…missing dad…always at these times…bitter sweet…

Kitchen

still AGAIN…

Yesterday I found a pole studio right next to my neighborhood…I went …I sat in a room with girls half my age and younger I was the old betty.

I was also the most flexible student…( teacher was insane) and I was asked as she pulled my arms toward her crotch as I was in a straddle…”How old are you” I pulled up slapped her hands aways and said…”IN AMERCIA…we don’t ask that” and then I laughed at the craziness the racism of that comment and answered – “How old do I look”. She was honest and said 40…I told her “45”

I was home in my little pole world and I left after that stretch class and returned two hours later and took a pole class..learned how to climb better and prettier..I looked at al their nails so long and pretty and I straddled my legs on the pole and let myself fall back and I glimpsed at my theighs…filled with wrinkles and I I thought to myself…my dad was right…my legs will look like my grandmothers one day but then I instantly leveled up that thorugh with HOW many women my age age doing this today…and If they are I am among them..I purchased an unlimited month and I added it to my list and I made it my priority- to return home-

Something about climbing a pole…swinging on a pole…being in the room with other women who also respect the pole and I am on the flip side ..flipping upside down in hope that maybe this pole will return to the play and I will have it as a center piece..a prop a thing I work with a grounding tool…my pole

Jewbana will reclaim her POLE.

S

Kitchen

Not my son….but it will be….i suspected and all too soon.

I am not a perfect mother…by far…but I am honest and in tune and loving and stern. I am protective and supportive and fierce and intense. I am all of these things in the blink of a sneeze I am a mother…who has become aware that I am the best I can be…I know my kids…i feel them…I am an empath and their frustration clouds my judgement at times when I should be cross…I buckle…but I limp back into place…I hold my ground and I Karate kid things into place one by one…

I am not botoxed..this makes me sad…I am not ironed clean I am a wrinkled ball of emotions…I am not HOT or SEXY and as I sit at tables I see mens eyes glance the ones that are..I am not ALL THAT…to THEM anymore…nor do I care to be

I find myself…when I cow tow to that pedantic behavior I know so well..I am not in tune..my chakras are closed I am walking with one eye glued shut and then something like my son not telling us where he is and us finding out through the text of a fellow parent that he is down the street at a young girls house and I peel my eye open and like a ton of lightening rods I see…what i have been frustrated with for days..

This thing…this pressure…this frustration…it was NOT mine at all.

He tells us he lies..I tell him we all have…he tells me he doesn’t know why and I say it will take you years to unwind them…start now…Learn from me..Unwind my dear loving boy and with that… into a spin he blurts it out

TRUTH…

we fall to our knees….what was the LIE what was the cause of the endless deception…he was pretending he wanted a Bar Mitzvah for a Party for a what…is it true – why – could care less – he knows who he came from and all the angst the annoyance of trying to be forced to plan a party that felt like pulling teeth stops for a moment.

Kitchen

EXPLANT- ED

About two YEARS ago I began searching seriously for a Dr. that would perform my explant. I had taken four years to get my head around the idea and it was time to take action.

This action was NOT based on physical illness. This explant was based on an emotional wellness conversation I was having with myself. I had already let go of the BOTOX journey.

I am sure the Botox experience was a preview for me to truly realize what was really really going on. I wanted to KNOW know me but I was left with a LIE on my chest and I couldn’t shake it…I had to explant it

A lie I had told myself and allowed myself to hear but truly can’t even remember it…like a pain. I am on the other side and it is just a faint smell I sort of recall. Insecurity mixed with blind determination.

My scares are almost undetectable to me…without my contacts. My body has reset itself and so has my mind. I recognize my silhouette again . I am in love with my self and I feel no resistance in doing so. Nothing to shake from my chest but my little boobies.

It takes works to LOVE LOVE LOVE yourself..it is easier to put on the make up and erase the lines…no doubt…I still dye my hair but I can see that ending soon…and for what..

I am an Artist. My body is my medium. I want to know I knew myself better than any character I ever play. And in order to do that I have to being with the notion that I am willing to be honest with myself.

So TWO years… I had them drained in early December 2018 and then removed the 14th I think and then a lift in May and now…It has been a year and a half since the last surgery.

Many people are just now hearing of health ricks with the breast but for me it was a well risk. I wanted to be as well as I could once I found the person I was and I wanted to know her as well as I could…all of HER…

TO those thinking about breasts…THINK HARD…it is a LIFE LONG DECISION. LIFE LONG.

Your boobies are natural and real and YOU….ANd unless you are SICK and it is no choice..although a friend decided NOT to implant after her Mastectomy and she is now a wildly successful model/actress.

OK..stepping down from my soap box…Sending love to you all and no judgement…just sharing my thoughts…

love and laughter… Sooze

Kitchen

JEWBANA @SwampSpace in Miami

grow where you are planted..it is nicer and easier and the end result is always sweeter.

I have returned to Miami with the play I ran in Edinburgh and it was better for the run..run run run as fast as you can….but in the end…it is being able to come home and want to that makes me happy.

Swamp Space Gallery hosted the event…standing room only and then some…a huge turn out a wonderful reception…and an art review

Egg on a Pole By Nicolas Guillen 4th

Los Bandidos del Arte added 14 new photos to the album: Jewbana @ Swampspace— with Jewbana and Nicolas Guillen at Swampspace Gallery.Yesterday · 

“It may be true that “all the world’s a stage” but on the evening of 19 October 2019 that stage belonged solely to actress Susie K. Taylor in her epic monologue performance in “Jewbana” at Swampspace in Miami Design District. Jewbana was absolutely hysterical, contemporary and at the same time personal in that through the monologue, the actress was able to portray an array of characters including both her sons, her sister, her mother, mother-in-law, ex-husband and husband. Costume changes/character transitions were accompanied by the song from 1925, “That Girl Susie”, with lyrics like “If you knew Susie, like I know Susie
Oh! Oh! Oh! What a girl…” While in fact, I did not know Susie, I felt like I did by the end of the show. Adding to the personal feel of the evening, many of the characters that she portrayed were either in the standing room only audience themselves and otherwise many audience members appeared to have a close connection to Susie and her life. 

Susie truly took us on a trajectory laced with a marijuna edible-related experience but I won’t divulge any further details as you must see this heartwarming show for yourself!”

Next stop SOHO Beach House Miami

Kitchen

Ego buster

not sure why I do it. Perhaps it is just inevitable to not be good at many things but lately…lately I have been pushing through the ego defying moments..sometimes at the brink of tears from the humiliation but still pushing.

Because for some reason staying humble suits me and what better way to stay humble than to take an advanced dance workshop with a Master. I happen to be connected to a local dance company that asked me to voice a poem for their dance piece. It travels around the world and thus so does my voice.

anyway…

I took class today with them and from a Master teacher they have visting…no he is a Miami Beacon ……and at one point while we were going across the floor I was left alone with no one to guide me and I felt hopeless. I asked for help and the teacher sent over a few dancers for me to follow.

I was at the brink of tears but I powered through the humiliation and continued on. I was NOT feeling my usual confident self… was feeling like there are worlds beyond me and I respect them from the seat of my soul…

I ended up sitting out the final 5 minutes of class like a bit of a chicken when they combined all the steps together ( 16 counts of twirling and turning and switching directions)

I plan to go back Monday to try and make it the whole class even if I fall to my knees in shame because somehow…reminding myself that there are worlds to learn and even if I pulled a COSBY SHOW ( seems so different now) when the aunt took a class and then in-between( looking like a bit of a fool like I just did ( perhaps often do)) she hired a professional to get her up to speed just so she could do one ruitine full out and amazing only to fall to the floor right after….for those that never saw this.

i was thinking on my way home…that will never be me and all day I was saying how happy with who I am – i am – and not sad about who I am not and slowly the truth of those words seep in…I miss my own dancing…my own room..i plan to get it…

tillt then I seach for space..

I went to the theater and it was locked but then another dancer from class …a cute young kid I was desperately tying to imitate in class…says “what about this door” and it was open and I went in and him and two other dancers came and we talked and I got their names and I was happy.

Maybe somehow being able to be embarrassed in front of people is not a bad thing…it is important… This week- to add onto the ego busting I also saw footage of a movie trailer I did. The director found some really icky angles of me… but I acted really well. Then I was sent photos from a performance of a monologue play I did and the person who sent them. with a text that read… s ” I usually take great photos but these are yucky”

All the photos were of me…and they were yucky!

And then I tried to go to see my friends daughter in a play last night..bought flowers and everything and only to find out it was actually for next week…

So

I took the flowers home and put them in a vase and felt truly loved by myself.

I can’t remember if I have ever bought myself flowers. It was nice…really nice…I felt so loved by me…regardless of how my image was projecting around the world or universe or no where verse…..I feel calm…and oddly decaffeinated…I took a nap today perhaps from the food I ate ( had onions) or perhaps from the total mental exhaustion of being EGO LESS.

Kitchen

I heard my racism….loud and clear….

becoming WOKE is not fun…it is a series of gross blows to myself that sometimes sending me reeling… Are these MY thoughts? …..Where did I find them….who gave them to me? Why did they stick? Perhaps they are in the ether and I am speaking the thinking…….I purge them ..but the pain in the sound of the screeching ….burns my ears…

I am going to be renting a space in a building…in building that is NOT built by whiteness…”I think it is gritty and has a vibe I can create from”…do I?…do I?….or do I really mean it isn’t DONE and I can build it better?

What more can I be guilty of….privileged discord within me…I check myself again and again and can’t get past the front door without it creeping up and I don’t want to hear it but I know it is a cleansing process…

Being WOKE…my throat is swollen with venom and I spit..I pray I haven’t let it sit too long…I pray I can be forgiven for this trace thought processes of being better or capable of upgrading-others…oh Susie…sometimes you have got to just SHUT your Little Mind up and Dance… then you’ll center it all…reset…begin again.

Kitchen

HYPER- slightly

I calmed down a litle…just a little and I got a call from my DR. He said that his tests are saying the same as my original blood work and that I am HYPER…slightly in my thyroid.

I am not sure why this seems like a relief…He is still waiting for the biopsy but hyper people tend to have nodules…so here is hoping.

I really think gong off EGGS..well off a million eggs a day was important for me bc my number went down and I think that was what it was from…or the supplements…but I am going off all the supplement for 8 weeks and we will retest and see where we are.

I am a very spastic patient…and yoga is a necessary thing for me bc I can convince myself that ANYTHING anything ANYTHING is true…

Thus the ACTOR-

I feel spastic today…not that this is a clean bill of health but it is something got work on and I can do that….I can totally do that.

I

HEALTH Kitchen TYROID THRILLS

“Do you know what’s in here? You shouldn’t take something unless you know what it is…” he said..with a smirk

I had placed all the supplements on the counter and with the one that was a cow thyroid bovine….that was a supplement prescribed by my ::chiropractic neurologist::” he warned against it…”Do you know what’s in here? You shouldn’t take something unless you know what it is…” he said..with a smirk. Later I will find out bc it is not FDA approved. That smirk and the fact that the way he flippantly told me what he thought my diagnosis was paired with the fact that he doesn’t see diet as part of the story with Thyroid…I don’t expect to return…

Granted…

I was already hysterical. Internally hysterical…and it was ooozing out…

I was nervous about this day …this appointment…and even though I meditated for 20 minutes before I walked into the kitchen… Steve and I had gotten into an argument in minutes about a money issue and ..I was asking him to lay off but it was too late – we were in it….and so the morning had started like most mornings…Stressed..arguing. This is something that makes Steve feel better bc he gets stuff off his chest but it makes me more stressed out… I have asked if we can table those conversations till later in the day.

Sitting in the Dr, Office private office he said the Nodule was large and that he was going to Biopsy it. I was just sitting there,..Steve next to me…there,,,but not my DAD there….and then the Dr. asks about the supplements I am taking and I showed them to him.

Thyrophin by standard process

Chaste tree by standard process

Ovex by standard process

Dermatrophin by standard process

J.crows Ligols solution ( 2% Distilled water potassium iodine 4% iodine2%)

Elderberry 

Glucosamine hyalironic Avis

Gentle iron

K2 and D3

Evening primrose1300x2

Turmeric liquid

Calcium citrate plus with magnesium

He was only concerned really with the Iodine ( which i added from my own research and which I instantly felt better from -either with a tiny amount of drops n water or on my wrist) and the Bovine Thyroid…non FDA approved Thyrophin.

I was crying …I used the two last tissues he had..from his desk… ( tissues on Desks…not . a great sign..not great tissues…) This Dr. was totally unable to truly connect but again I was finally letting all of this out…in this guys office….while Steve sat next to me but almost like when we drove to the hospital from the PIE I ate too much of…he wasn’t really really there somehow…like his body is there but he disappeared …..or cold or distant or logical…( half on his phone) and I was unable to form a sentence.. Where were my warm blooded huggers to hold me…I felt alone …in a room and at times like this… it could feel that way.

” You shouldn’t take anything you don’t know what’s in it..yeah this may affect your blood work and then iodine…no stop that too…”

I felt like a fool…for a moment..

“But the food ..I mean the kinds of food..I mean…what kind of food.” I Tried to form coherent sentences. I was overwhelmed….I was a mess…I was scared….

He took me to get my blood wok done and then bc of my insurance will send it out for processing… to Quest Labs and then we went to his office and I laid down and he took a sonogram ( another one from the one I took that my Chiropractic Dr ordered bc she saw something ( my regular DR, had just said my numbers were a little low…and even though I had mentioned my symptoms over the years…specifically my extreme PMS or moodiness…this thyroid sonogram was never ordered…( my check up was in May and I had a lump in May she didn’t notice but I had heard a Journalist on TV thank a tv watcher for saving his life by saying she was a nurse and from watching him on TV she saw it ) but the lack of connection bc my numbers or because I push through…and order medicinal mary Jane..My General Dr. never thought to ask for a sonogram of my thyroid….. which I hear is normal bc my numbers were normal and honestly I wasn’t putting the pieces together… and anyway….I have a very large thyroid…

He first feel my throat and says…it is actually large on both sides and then I remove my little S neck-lass I just got fixed..give it to Steve and lay down and he looks at his screen picture of my thyroid and he instantly says

“This looks like Hashimoto’s “he says with a weird kind of joy and escalation. It sounds like he is joking a laugh and I sit up and he says “yep, that’s what it looks like” and I cry Hysterical into my hands….

Steve is there but not my dad there and I am crying and gathering my tears in a hard napkin from the metal dispenser…it hurts…I hurt…I am shocked and sad…Steve is stoic and taking mental notes…hard and detailed…

I lay back down and with the machine on my throat ( fuck this month has been insane…I had the first sonogram three weeks ago and a MRI on my breast ( some weird protocol my general DR. told me to do bc on Mom) Tuesday and now this on Friday and Jaedon had a ECHO Cardio the week in-between…like my grandmother used to say…when she was going to see her doctors… I am going to see my Boy friends.)

“see it looks like Swiss cheese..it should be smooth…and this nodule…it doesn’t look cancerous…but we will make sure and see..it may even be the Hashimoto’s and not a nodule…just a really inflamed thyroid from the Hashimoto’s..”

“You see?” he says as he turns the screen to show me

..I have tears running down the side of my face…I see it…I fucking see the Swiss chess part of me that is unable to keep these tears from flowing down down down my face…yep..I got it…

“next is the Biopsy…” he clips

How long have I had this…?

“it is big…it could be ten years…maybe longer”

So when I had my kids…

I don’t know..maybe longer

And as far as food…what do I not eat…is this hyper or hypo or If this is Hashimoto’s what do I eat or don’t eat and

“.food has nothing to do with this.” He says..

and out of respect for him…somehow Steve chimes in with “He’s a doctor” and then I ask more questions and although I am happy I was able to get in to see him so soon I feel dismissed “unheard” and then he confirms my disconnect with him by restating…food is not the issue and that I would maybe take a synthetic thyroid… from Pharma

“oh like the cow thyroid in Thyrophin” i say

“no this is approved my FDA and synthetic.. or maybe a radioactive iodine. if it turns out to be Graves.” he goes on

He doesn’t look that old but I feel his old thoughts and they aren’t aligned but I try and be polite…

He then takes a cold spray and sprays my neck and then puts three needles in my throat and then I sit up and he says…again..well it could be that the nodule we see is really still the Hoshimoto’s and it is large and formed line a nodule..doesn’t look like cancer but we will get the lab work back..i will be out of town in Italy..first trip in forever and so my partner will call you with the results…

Thank you DR. and we leave…

stand in the parking lot ( we took two cars- Steve had golf and fit this in which was My Aunt’s rewust for me to have someone there…which was a great idea) Steve is kind of cold with health issues…doesn’t think you need to over think them and shuts down over health issues.. .he isn’t good with this be being stressed and yet….that is what all this thyroid stuff causes physically……

I cry with him..in the car as he begs me to stop taking the supplements and the iodine bc the Dr said they may actually mess with the blood work.

I agree…kind of…to stop …I get in my car I cry hysterical..I call Heather I call my mom I call my Aunt …I call my dear friend.. I need woman’s hug….Steve hugs and supports but I am too much..

And the papers the Doctor gave us as we were int he office on HYPO or Hoshimoto’s talks about heavy or irregular periods and Steve asked asked him

“could my extreme emotional PMS be a side affect of this…whole thing..?”

They are different hormones but if you are having issue from you thyroid with your hormones and then you have the Menstrual shift it can be affecting it and pushing it over the top” yes.

WHY DIDN’t THE DOT’s GET PUT TOGEther sooner… just found several books that speak about heavy bleeding and hormones and thyroid…and

i digress or progess

It is 5 am now…this story fresh in my head wanted to be on paper…I am up…I put a little iodine on my wrist…i feel better…i don’t know.. this year …this is what this will be about…for me…

Steve told me he isn’t going to work for Patrick… that he was asked to be a point man at Asset mark and that he is happy about being recognized.

i am hard on Steve…on myself…I hope that this new understanding of a huge thing I have going on will slowly guide me to a better more even keel life…

Food wise I was off everything up until tow days ago…till the stress pushed me over…but I am done with my little trial I am not interested in testing if FOOD affect me or not…HELLO.

…the coffee was decaf and I had two sips and it was gross…the drinks …the tiny bit of quesadilla…the cheese, the bread…etc…

…I am back on it. no gluten, no coffee, no dairy. and will go and see a second opinion on Thursday Morning…regardless if I get my result back from the first Dr. or not…

I think I need to find a holistic approaching person that is both medical and aware that food causes issues.. The Next Doctor I see on Thursday will be the opinion of a female and her posted reviews all talk about the diet she put her patients on.