Author: Susie Taylor

Kitchen

Hello…….Mothers

The idea that we have ONE true mother is not real for me anymore…we have many versions of a mother figure throughout our lives…however the one relationship we must pay close attention to is how we see ourselves or rather our material mother is the one we should be the most tender to…tender in the sense that don’t put too much attention on the details…and when you do…laugh at your silly ness that one person could make up another’s world…

We are all products of a million light years through up against a wall and slid down into a magnetic kiss that found receiving lips and hips and built a love and a life and then from that thier best replications

But the replication must know thier origin and then not OWN it in any way.
We must know ourselves and then now own it too tightly.

We have —-as i swam in the warm pool at my mothers house which was being filled with my high school freinds and their mothers… an image of a play- of lots of women who complain about the other and tell one audience member to hold a painting and give them a pen and then say feel free to add your own doodles and then only to be met by another “person” who is made and the doodles that were made…By making one person happy… yourself… you risk the truth in making everyone else miserable..

But I have learned in my many intense arguements that my role in my marriage as far as wife was NOT making my HUSBAND happy. Or rather …let me adjust…my role as a mother toward my husband was not something he wanted to have. He still has his mother and she is very much in her life…
And I am not a mother to him. I began to see that I even streamed him like a dad rather that just a husband and so releasing him of my MOTHERING i has directly released myself of his fathering and I am free.

There once was a rainbow who loved to sing while she thought of her golden ring
BUt one day a man freedom in the sky
YEslled at the rainbow and made her cry
He told her to stop but she wouldn’t respond.
SHe just ignored him and climber beyond.
How dare he said the man
I control this earth
I am the owner of the land.
But the rainbow from up above still loves to sing…while she things of her folder ring
As her tail drags behind her….making oval curves…she tried to escape the man and tried to control her nerves.”

I was trying to figure. Out if I should do a full 30 day run in Edenbough and their feeling I am getting is yes
I feel a full run would make all the effort worth it..it will be more that I think I can handle right now so somethign to strive to and give people time to come visit.

My freinds int he house of my mother are all my mothers…they have all allowed me to be the spirit I am and the kindness I have learned…they have offered me the space and the platform to observe nature and this story I write will be my observation as best I can told with love and respect and understanding…to cut the energy to free the ghosts.
S

Kitchen

Hello …Edenbough

since I went to London and saw Starlight Express when I was nine I always wanted to skate and dance and act on a stage in the UK.

Well- patience my dear freinds..three minutes till passing zone and if you plan it right. If you get your ducks lined up you may just make it happen-

Aug 2019 I plan to be in Scotland with a piece I am creating. I plan to star in a play I create by myself. I plan to spend a month working as an actress in this world as I had always wanted.

A dream has a food- needs to be fed and if it isn’t satiated it will eat at you. I have felt it first hand.

There are no excuses. A family is NOT an excuse it is a reason.
A never have is not an excuse it is a motivation
A but why? is not a defense it is a reason.

I am sitting here isn the BErks sourounded by most of my closest girl freinds and their mothers and we are enjoying a once in a life time experience…life happens..when you focus on its Lovelness.

xoxoxo

Kitchen

Hello ….receiving..

I told her I have a hard time taking money but I am fine giving things away…she said..you need to learn to receive more…and I said..but does it have to be in money??/ and in that the next day unfolded in the most flowerific way

So today was one of thos days- it was an amazing day and perhaps a sign of my future…I am going to bullet point all the ama zines that happened for me form all the seeds i have planted

I took a yoga class and on my way there received an email from Edinbough about my interest in renting a theater space – they are interested and have a few venues i can choose from!
I went to a business council meeting and one BOTH raffle gifts but I could only take one. a canvas cream bag with leather straps
I saw
jessica Stacy Jacque and Sofi
all in one day
I took yoga then sweat 440

My application for SURFACTING was applied for
the grant for Miami Light Project sent an email that it was received and being reviewed

Then Maria came over and did my nails and gave me a vitamin facial and gifted it to me..

I went to buy lotto tickets bc i am in the receiving mood!

I paid for my rental space last night…maybe that started it

I introduced my class at the business meeting and people GOT IT…and understood the need for it.

I am in time and in line with the universe and I am happy yo stay here.

great day…

Not fasting for Yom Kippor bc I know it is more symbolic and I am doing my own cleansing. in my own way..

mentioned to my students about the class
would like to get them as interns if they want to make that happen
i’d appreciate it.

I am love and this is my slogan
SURFACTING
learn how to get out of character and create from love.

Kitchen SURFing Process

Hello….catch and kiss

R is recasting…but OMG is it such an EGO bust…and the EGO is going to fight you the whole way. THis is the lesson I learned form claiming Steve deserted Mason bc he missed a football game that randomly started on time..but I missed it too. I deserted Mason first…I feel it in me as I type with wire plugged into the hole that it isn’t supposed to ..the whole that’s too big bc it doesn’t rub.but the one it needs to click into is tight and secure and that…that tends to be the things that bothers me and that I fight off myself…bc somehow it reminds me of being caught..which as explain…isn’t my bag…

NOT: Mason my son is my life and I have to just own that my children are everything to me..the rest is just cherries..which i shoudln’t knock.

They say the way you are first introduced to things is how they are patterned…
In Kindergarden at Lee wood elementary we had a game called catch and kiss. I am pretty sure It was in Kindergarden..I remember Kevin Urgart used to chase me. I remember I used to hide in the colored cement tunnels which looking back may have been sewer parts…not used sewer parts but I have never seen those tunnels but for when they are working on drains to keep Purday avenue on South Beach from sinking..so maybe not sewer..more water.parts..drain parts…you know..
anyway

I remember being there and looking out hoping he wouldn’t find me- I am sure I was devoted to another boy who I was chasing…bc the idea of NOT being caught was the concept of love I began to inhabit and the concept of chasing my other angle//

yesterday and today I began to ponder on these somewhat fact

that I left the house the minute I finally got Steve home to help with bibbitec. It was on the advice of my lovely aunt who saw how worn down I was but she is also the aunt that fled to Milan some 30 years ago and have never come back..she herself is a fleer. but then again she is of the same blood so looking back I get it.it makes sense ..but she was really advice me to chase acting again…so really that wasn’t her doing..

Also super happy. went back to theater but either direction would have sent me back here..working on SOME alternative way of doing the age old version of either acting or business.

I digress.
Ok so the thing is it came to my attention that in order to fell deserted you might actually have to leave and that perhaps I have been perpetuating this idea of catch and kiss throughout most of my romantic life..becasue the idea of not being chased…well.. that just never registered…I also love to chase..so by leaving something… I have the ability to find it again.. thus all my hello and goodbyes…also distance gives perspective so you can really see things…and really fall back in love with them all over again and in a new way…

so
I deserted steve when we first met bc I chose to follow through and go off to London even though we met.
I chose to marry Tim just to double down on how much I was deserted when steve didn’t chase me…in a way
I then i deserted TIM and returned immediately after the nuptials to Miami. TIme CHased me. Then I ran to NY and Tim chased me…caught me….SO…we broke up ….and I chased Jon and then we broke up becasue Steve was chasing me and Jon wasn’t Chasing me enough..
then steve was going to move to NY but I was having a hard time dealing with rejection of just a few roles and I came home and got fake boobs and deserted NY and my dream DREAM..the career one and stayed here and since I hate to be catched and I tend to get bored with things I have caught…
I began to think that it is me…I am the dereter…I let go of lots of things and relationships when I can’t face them anymore…but records show I tend to return to them…slowly…if they’ll have me.
But where if not for Catch and kiss …could it be in my bloodline.. and if so …from who…

My Hebrew name is Hannah Marie
I was named after Anne MArie
I believe she was the great grandmother that DESERTED Austria bc she didn’t want to be forced to shave her hair and wear a wig…she ended up married to an Austrian from her same village – one she met in NY. SO she ran her way perhaps right into her destiny.

And I feel like that.. i feel like I have to try and NOT leave…not run away form Steve and see what staying in the house as my “office” and working things out there with him…he is there…if I leave..it is on me…
If I stay…perhaps I can end this part of the cat and mouse game I so much enjoy..

Perhaps being chased is not love at all
Just attention.
Maybe love is being exactly where you are and NOT running away and not chasing away…

This means most of all I have done was for nothing…

Peaceful and kind

If I let Devon go..and give her spaces outside the house to play…like this new studio and I let Anne Marie stay with her family in her how town and stop her from running away (scratch her record a bit) will I find a more peaceful home life.

If I don;t all fit in my house _ i once asked- is it my house-
Yes
It can be
For the one that enjoys being home..

Steve and I have been arguing a lot.. the death of the idea of moving to another home is dead with all that..puss …the idea tha what I have put my effort into and all the good and bad is enough…is what becomes the film on top of all this Mishigas.

If I was the real deserter and I stop deserting…even this desire to want to leave my own home…when all it does is welcome me…what becomes of me…who is the future of the deserter.. the opposite is loyalist

What does that look like…?

Being a loyalist to my own beliefs and family..
Can I find value in that..fully?
Can I build on that
Is that the platform of love and if I hammer in those nails..i also good at pulling out..
Will that support me?
Will I be the support..
Will I have built the support
You can’t run away from your own dogma girl…..
So deal with it.

Kitchen

Hello….Charlie.

Devon and Charlie sitting in a tree
K I S S InG

First Comes Love
Then COmes Marriage
Then comes a baby in the a baby carriage
Sucking her thumber
Wetting her pants
Wantching her Parents do the hula Dance

Steve and I still fight.
Hard and fast and then its over
Like dogs protecting their territory
And then we shake it off and we are done

But we still fight
Bc we are both a bit of a jerk- a lot a jerk
And we can turn each other on like no one else and
Sometimes…that end up in SEX and sometimes that end up in a fight
And honesty I can’t say which one is more healing…

I wonder if other couples have knock out and dragim arguements
If a Cubam’s Fire and A Jewish REsisliance is something interesting or normal

It is scary sometimes…loud and fierce and I talk to the kids about it…bc they fight the same way…Devon and Charlie are our the inner children of Susie and Steve..They are solito…and they come out every once and a while -and sometimes they fight on the playground for the swing or the slide…they get mad when the other one doesn’t want to play and the crazy thing is that

We have taught our ACTUAL kids HOW to fight.. and How to mediate those in a fight and when Devon and CHarlie have both taken hold of us…our beautiful kids Jaedon and Mason step up and wake us up…remind us of this time and place and how we aren’t 5 years old anymore..

I thought OnCe I healed I’d be ok but i am not healed…I am coping with my beautiful life and nothing about me in Calm or serene for any length of time

I thrive of Structural Tension..it is rarely real and more of a shock then a flame and it gets me going

I have always been this way…ask any of my ex freinds or boy freinds…

I am aware of my younger self..I get her…I can’t get rid of her…she has my purpose in her pocket as far as my art goes..and she is taking me to Edinburgh and asking Charlie to come play too…they have lots and lots of GOlf…Funny how the cornerstone of Cutting edge theater is also the original home( i think ) of GOlf…

Golf used to be something Devon has always been bothered by but this time..it brings Charlie closer to her in a way that makes him truly happy.

AUGUST IN ScOTLAND…Charlie and Devon
K I S S I N G

Kitchen

Hello…..neutral

I used to think that I wanted to feel HIGH…HIGHS from all the amazing things that would happen and then in payment I woudl deal with the lows.

Now I say…I woudl rather need neutral…neither high now low and through the passing of moments in gages in the her and now.

Extremes limit the here and now…avoid them…on either side of the spectrum

Too thrilled too devastated causes time to stand still and for you to exit the existing story and veer off into la la land..

Yes you.

YOu are not as cool and cucumber as you think and I know this becasue I feel you…lierally… you are a roller coaster and perhaps you claim I drive you to it but ill say you —-you drive me to driving you and i’m on to you…I’ve seen the game- told you I see it and I am taking my Cotten candy and walking off..

Not becasue I don’t enjoy it but becasue this up and down is giving me a headache after all this time…lets ride another ride….together.

If you get excited over somethign and then equally devastated over it …it is over you…owns you…what happens when either way…it is fine…?

Kitchen

EYE……Connect

I have been aware that I have not been making eye CONENCT recently. I have been in my own world with my own internal drama and I have failed to connect with others eye line.

Today are the grocery story I noticed how recharging it can be. Very vulnerable and freeing and kind of scary too. Eye connect is the easy way to remember where you are and that you are of this world and no others.
That you belong to your town, your city and the streets that define them.

People may pass through but your eyes have seem them come and go and still stay to say Have a nice day. Your eyes tell your story and eye connect is the easiest thing to do…to counter act disconnection…

XOXOXO

SUSIE

Kitchen

Time heals

After leaving my Dr. appointment where my freind mentioned to her assistant how I USED to have a slamming body…I walked out…aware of how deflated my boobs were and how their power is not in me anymore but it was fine…there are other powers at play.

I walk past a jewelry story and I see it says it fixes watches. I walk past and think about time and how I once found an iPhone watch on the beach and then lost it myself. How I had a Rolex but I cracked it and how that is a good watch and maybe I should fix it..

It is time to keep time I think. I return to the jewelry store and apologize for interrupting and ask if they fix watches. The female customer at the counter has a bow in her hair and she says HI.

I know her…I say Hi and slowly it comes to me…she is Nika’s friend…she taught me a ballet barre clas at iron flower when it was on Biscayne….Rolodexes of time spin by.

I start to chat and we catch up and I learn her and Nika haven’t seen each other either. And then i let her know i am looking for a studio for my piece and she says she has one….we end up going to her home and her house and her studio and her room of her own and I recall mine..the one I fought for that I lost along the way again…slippery little thing she is

I say goodbye only to see her at the grocery store and as we shop the decade between us is established…the same story a different time…my kids can babysit hers.

I leave…go home – unload the gorceries. Get an email with scripts for a reading on MOnday and in it I am playing a grandmother.

It is funny…how quickly time passes…soon I will be one and think on versions of myself…in the grocery store and no matter how much Botox I don’t get and how big my boobs aren’t time is fleeting dreams are screaming and I need to get on it..

I call steve —I try and explain…he cuts me off and then says he shouldn’t have and is working on that…

I am shocked.

I am quiet..

He is working on not cutting me off..

I ask him what he would do in my position and he says rent a room

I text my freind who runs a dance studio about renting her space for my our rehearsals…

A room of my OWN is relative…it is elusive and it is not entirely MINE….it is fluid and it was at the coffee shop yesterday with my students.. the jewelry shop today with an old acquaintance..and tomorrow that time alone will be with my friend at the Beach…

And so it goes my younger selves…

Xo
S

Kitchen

Hello….depolorization

Kahn academy ROCKS!

I just told a pre-med class on the energy of the heart and how the defibrillators we have work to keep our heart beat in check.

I learned that there is a process called DEPOLORIZATION and it allows for automaticity and that is what TCS is about. It is about creative a positive Shane form the SA Node of the heart. We are the beginning of the conversation about looking at thing through the eyes of forgiveness and love…and then creating form there…just a small idea that if done well will have a massive ORGANIC reaction..

This is not an internet thing…alone…is is a muscular cellular thing that can take flight wherever and however but the first pulse…the origin of thought is with the SA NODE and positioning it- using the transmission of energy within a creative soul that repeat their maternal lineage….

With all do expect…none of use would be here without HER…and with all do respect…we have allowed ourselves to be used as the front line the slaves that would chew us off her arm but then what….where do you go and who do you speak for now..when she goes…we go.

Your mother…as whatever she was in her limited or amazing ways was your passage to this world and by trying to write her out of your story in anyway we write ourselves in to another one.

Choose wisely…everyone has fault lines…but perhaps the ones that come from you are easiest to navigate and you my dear are her….on a cellular level…

XO
S

Acting

Hello …Creative Shelter co.

I have wanted a company- this idea of a company since I was standing in a white wooden acting studio ( ah there it is- my image of peace) being asked by one of my teachers where i see myself at 40. I opened my mouth and said I am going to have a company but not a normal acting company.

I had no idea what this meant or who it was within me that said it. I literally shrugged my shoulders in acceptances and looked around the room as everyone nodded. Ok..and it is written..Funny how these truths escape if we just OPEN our mouth.

A company? It was 1995- there was NO cell phone and NO Social Media…there WAS however AOL and a Chat room and emails and I was recently using those to stay connected to Steve while I studied in London.

Webber DOuglass was a house made into a school and I suppose that’s what i am seeking…here in Miami…and why the warmth of a home is always missing when I search for a SPACE…

By I digrace.

I was recently texted by one of my students turned past student turned friend turned ….practice partner turned as i sat across from her yesterday….

My first company member?

She doesn’t know this officially yet and I assume the other girl next to her will be as well- she is just 6 months out of my clasS- A KIND SOUL NEEDS TO SOLIDIFY…

They both texted me and we sat from 11-3:30 talking about how to move forward in our lives with grace

You wouldn’t think this is an “A. Ha” moement but having tried to teach and explain this to dozens of other artists not many have fully bought into moving from forgiveness..NONE actually ….they choose to hold onto their STORY and in that the Pain of the MAternal and in that I am a punching bag…as I am THE MATERNAL….i have learned…

It is exhausting and painful but I am there to show the benefits. A woman- a creative- owning her fault lines and taking responsibility…they have a roadmap if they want it…does and don’t s

And as we sat there I have to remind myself these woman are 20 plus years younger then me…both of them have proven in thier way of living…that they are more interested in killing their ego and moving from love more than anything else…

They are not saints…nor am I …we are powerful Alpha WOman with the ability to destroy…but I have informed them what that looks like over a life time and I give them thoughts on how to avoid holding on to anger too long…

THey ask me to the coffe juice shop and as I sit there and TEACH…I instantly see what I have..the daughters I never did, the company I will eventually build and a philosophy that these two women find valuable in their lives.

I am the Artistic DIrector of The Creative Shelter. We practice the S.U.R.F. Acting method and we wil be appearing throughout MIami this year and launching officially in Edinburgh in August 2019- We share stories of HOW TO LOVE along the maternal fault line…