Author: Susie Taylor

Kitchen

SORRY

He said it was him
it was him and he knew it
he said it was all his
all his and he owned it
he said he was sorry for pressing it on me
for telling me I’m crazy
that I don’t understand HERSTORY

he said he was sorry and he meant it too
he told me it was what he realized to be TRUE
he said he was sorry but I felt really glad
for at that moment a man was built of a wee little lad

he said he was sorry and in that he just knew
all the past blaming games must never’ve been true
he said he was sorry and the years melted away.
All I have are my wrinkles to mark the passage of the day

Time with forgiveness never did run smooth
yet time with forgiveness is the maker of YOUTH.

Kitchen

Hello….past

Many years ago I created a performance piece in an art gallery with two other women and a team of creatives. I loved it. When we finished I thought it was the bringing of a beautiful collaboration but what happened was that the two women I worked with walked away and never looked back.

I had a one night stand…once I think but I knew the guy so it was just a random act I guess but this..this moment where I worked with someone, created something beautiful. and then walked away was new to me… I cried…I felt abandoned, hurt, lost and confused.

I then gathered myself and moved on…more shows…more adventures…more classes.

Years passed…I spoke with both of them to mend my heart but nothing more…and moved on…I built other shows and lost other partners and learned I have a hard time working with CERTAIN women.

The women I have a hard time working with are those that are not forgiving…they hold onto something and use their anger to motivate them and I become their punching bag…I allow it as through through that they will heal but I realize that is such abusive to us both..

by being the punching bag I revoke them to express their anger toward me – not good in any way

So years have gone by and I end up in a room with one of their mothers and she mentions how perhaps it wasn’t me…perhaps it was her daughter and it occurs to me in that moment what I had suspected was true….

I am the maternal…I am treated as they treat their mother… and although they may try and make it something else…it isn’t…

I am the maternal and the maternal is helming now…
as am I

as are we

as is She

S

Kitchen

the BOTOX LOBOTOMY generation and the repercussions

When I was in High school there was an acting teacher..a very disturbed one that informed me of the FFL look at castings and Auditions.

It was the Freshly Fucked Look.

I was 16 years old and I was being informed that my fuckability was my value…

Fast forward I am 44 and I am fighting with my forehead lines…the one that he mentioned were NOT FFL at all and said.. ” you need to relax your forehead!”

This keeps in my head because as I grow OLDER and my LINES become more established I become in his mind and in the mind of most of my business…UN-FUCK-ABLE- and the reaction to that is less value..

So I have in the past and women do try as much as they can N0T to have those lines and the perfect cure seemed to be BOTOX but…for me…as an actress…with botox…the feelings…the feeling receptors in my face…began to mute…I can’t feel it…I can’t emote it and all I am doing it PRESENTING…what it would in my mind feel like…not truthful but FAKE….

I still go back to a child looking at a mother trying to get that empathetic response and she can’t give it bc her face is frozen dn what the body hears from that in
I AM NOT BEING HEARD>>>>I AM NOT BEING UNDERSTOOD>>>>I AM NOT CONNECTING>>>>>

This is what working with BOTOX people feels like to me so I am only assuming…a child innate being feels that way too.

I am NOT BEING RECEIVED…and that is where we are liberated women are…still cashing in on our fuckable/ male gaze Creditcards and saying we want to be debt free!

Doesn’t work = gotta pay to play

Yesterday or so an article about BOTOX happing with DEPRESSION came out in EllE Magazine

..this was proof of what I have been saying for years…as my lines grew and I aged…

So if it is mainstream why haven’t my DR. told me they KNOW about emotional mutation from Botox…UMMMMM HELLO

If you mute emotional receptors….in your face through freezing and you are NOT clinically depressed…. you will also mute the JOY receptors also….it is just since… you can’t choose what to feel and what not to feel without hindering you entire experience on this earth..

It is tough…loosing my MALE GAZE and not even wanting it…and returning to my inner worth…it is SOOOOOOO hard…..but eliminating a visceral experience on purpose that could lead me to a clearer understanding of who and what and how I move through this earth…well…that just seems so similar to the Labotomies we cringe at.

I am sure a couple decades..like with my implants and all the harm those can really cause..the long term affects of trying to remain FUCKABLE to the Male Gaze will have it’s coming …ha…but even more so the muting of empathetic expressions….

Why has the world become so Don’t give a fuck?
It is because most of the women I know look like NOTHING bothers them… and although appearances are not everything….they are important with how and who we feel we are and how and who we show the world…

I have lines…
I am 44 years old
I’d still fuck me….I think..

TO all those beautiful women crossing over to your own power…it comes at a cost.. you can’t stay 25 for ever and you can’t become wise without wisdom and wisdom comes from understanding your experiences…and if you mute them…this one life you have…will be dampened…just like anything else..

Yes I get sad

Yes I get Mad

Yes I get Angry

Yes I get Joyful

Yes I know you can’t choose to abort an emotion as an actor… although I have tried..I have attempted to choose happy roles but in the end the goodness have a tinge of sadness so there you go…bitter sweet chocolate and a bitter sweet life..in the end is rich and fulfilling.

I am all about beautiful beings and love and kindness…and it is not an external thing but only those on the inside can feel it…

there is a cross in the path now..some will go right and some will go left and at the end we will mesh into the ground and become one…

till then- venture on your own path…own it with all your might and let loose and love…and learn that beauty fades despite the ADS but not ETERNAL BEAUTY.
Cherished and love and forgive…
even your own faults….
mostly those.

Kitchen

Testing my process

I am currently in rehearsal for a submersion piece. This is a theatrical experience that doesn’t turn off. I will be performing my role in a small room with people and i will be speaking directly to them.

I am playing a 1957 smart repressed controlled housewife who secretly desires to be with woman. I am building a great character and learning how to work through this very immersive process to the process.

The experience is the most loving I have felt in a very long time. It is kind and respectful and organized and clear and to me…from the outside…very enjoyable. I am actually impressed with the team Tanya has and how she can yield this entire event…but I know I have done things like this…just not with a team so the idea is just so intoxicating…but I enjoy my position as the actor and I am happy for it.

Anyway…I am going to have to find a room and work on my SURF class and make sure I can get out of character…an exit out and an exit into susie..So

As Maylin mentioned, I am going to have to test my process and see how this works. I have created a playlist…that bring me home…and I have opened up the conversation with my kids and my husband about how I need to talk with them regarding what I am feeling and how it may or may not be real..

I find that all of this – this acting…opens me up to pure joy but also to being vulnerable and insecure bc that is how I create the roles…from a very open heart experience that builds movements and through without my control and it seems that this one is taping into my grandmother…Cynthia…

I am gong to rent the space at MTC or somewhere to work through this….on my own….every Monday…
S

Kitchen

Ask an Actor….what the truth is.

When wondering where the truth lies I suggest finding an actor to discuss the situation. WHY?
Well, we are trained in great story telling…we are trained to find the Achilles heel of the character..we are trained to cover it up and we are trained to allow it to destroy things..even our own happiness….for the sake of DRAMA…EGO…ENTERTAINMENT…PRICE OF ADMISSION.

We love this the way an archeologist loves digging up memories…we love this because we thrive of relationships and positions and then the CLIMAX…the resolve the resolution….we thrive on the ART of telling a really great story…

Most actors would rather a REALLY great story then a happy one…we bend to the excitement…so if you implore us to examine your story…we will mark your drama you angst and how YOU as a participant are perpetuating it….and if you own our diagnosis… you will instantly be set free…because the curtain will close the lights will come on and everyone will be board …watching you…and that…is when you are in flow…a ripple on the ocean…nothing to look at here….

BUT not many can remain in that state long..it borders on boredom.

however kind and loving and whole and peaceful it is…so

Find a loving actor to talk with and I promise you you will see you life in the most beautiful way and the people in your life for exactly who they are and why they are in YOUR play… you will be able to step back and watch..and enjoy and direct and adjust as you see fit…
well…you can only adjust your character but in that the whole story is shifted and sometimes it is just that look…that turn of the head…that entrance a moment t00 s00n or t00 late that changes the vibe –

S

Acting Kitchen Marriage SURFing Process

Thinking of removing your implants. Think about this first

One thing To think about before you remove your implants is HOW MUCH do you love yourself. Becasue Boobs are a buffer…they shield you from your own hate and make you into a pretense….so if you remove them..your shields are down and you have to face everything straight on…you can’t push your chest out and deflect the negativity or perhaps they absorb it for us….from us and to us…and like anything FAKE….it deflects and the reality of our world or our natural state is distorted to the point that the distortion becomes the reality.
sooooooo to be clear…best get your LOVE on before you take those out because I spent four years rebuilding my LIFE before I removed them and I still was Brough to my knees at the lack of POWER I had without them…but be truthful power built on falseness is not power at all but a delusion and thus the crumbling of a delusion is what Brought me to my knee but once I rose up..I have hand rails to grab..an acting career to reenter…a marriage to strengthen…and children and loving kind friends to support me…

I set the stage for my entrance and when I finally reentered…I was not alone or living a lie..I was my original self with more scars…

so just prep your emotional life before you do it.

a few questions..

Why did you get them
Does that reason still exist
Are you ok with no having big boobs because socially they are a commodity
are you ok with letting go of a version of yourself
Are you ok with recasting yourself into the tiny tiny committee.
Are you OK?

Then just shower yourself in Kindness and find loving hands to do the procedures and take your time and peel the ROLE off…slowly and lovingly as if you do it with a quick hand…as many of these doctors suggest…you will have missed the mourning process and it is in that that you set yourself free.

Kitchen

TOUGHHHHHH couple of weeks

Steve has a HUGE personality and when he is in a mood it seeps into the house…into the walls..into the windows….I am the same…my moods are more in the air in the lights and in the sounds of the drawers closing but we are equal…but this last one…this last bit of WEATHER…was intense….it came from the north and hovered around and as much as I tried to avoid it…well…it wasn’t happening…

I absorb….I absorb energy and often I can walk away but this …when it is in your house….well I am shit out of luck..

My mom can slip it off her back…any type of annoying energy….I am the opposite..it seeps in and becomes mine..

I drove home today after dropping my son at school with tears in my eyes…streaming down my face while I scooted my convertible over the causeways and the cool morning air pressed my tears into my years…

I am getting old..my husband is in a mood and other than that life is amazing…this is how I know it isn’t me…I am working …I am executing…I am getting cast …I am doing me…no need for tears in my life…but for the wrinkles but these tears were deep chest tears…

He on the other hand is still trying to accept himself and can’t stop talking about business…has been the past three week…I will bring up anything…any topic and he can relate it back to business… super OCD and super like my father with the freaking condos.

My photos I took for my updated headshot are surely UPDATED…I am sun damages and wrinkly skin and it hurts my ego…I don’t even have fake boobs to rest my chin on…I am nothing…I have become nothing and in that… the wind blows through me sometimes and gives me the shivers…

I do however have my first private lesson coming up at the end of the month… I am gong to cancel my group classes and just do privates….I am going to cancel the rest of the month at Tropical Vinyasa as it has become more of a chore

I am meeting with a writer to talk about my book on Monday…I am gathering monologues written by people who KNOW me…for my upcoming show in Edinburgh so yes….it is mostly Steve

and so I came home we walked to our room and we had a talk…we had sex no we made love…which I have to say was super sweet and I accepted ….that my husband is a huge ball of amazing energy that gets tied up into a knot and while he is trying to get himself out he tends to bump into me a hell of a lot with his energy BALLS and it sucks but at least he talks …he wants to talk through it…we have viciously honest talks about life and age and forever and we never seem to ever…want to walk away…we are magnetized to each others for the good and the bad of it…

I was thinking my soul may wish my life was more calm …although I have only had two calm relationships in my life…with really sweet guys who smothered me in love…but in the end…couldn’t hold me..

so my soul may wish for gentler times but for now my man is STILL very much a MAN an amazing ALLPHA male trying with all his might to figure out how to unhinge himself from the rest of the DICKs and it hurts…it must feel like someone is puling off his skin…the outer layer he has used or use at times to get what you need to get done…and it it a tough piece of chicken fat keeping it attached…but today…we got closer

I told him he is difficult and he agreed…he accepted it…YANK

His grandfather was married 6 times…I get it…and all his wives drank….I get it…
I am born into a family of bearish woman…so I can seem to handle it…I cry I talk I pop the emotional pimple and we are free.

Kitchen

Goodbye….Devon..AKA Pain Body…

I was listening to Eckhart Tolle and his talk about shining a light on the pain body is what my entire process of my work has been.

I take a flood light and point it at the pain and that way we can expose it to light.

Through my class we do this and thus your motivation..what you currently think is your currency is NOT your currency at all

It is just false motivation —like a spark run out a high you keep trying to replicate…

Pain is there to be transmuted not to be motivational and until this world understands that…

I shall create my own…my own loving world where I am exposing my pain as soon as I see HER…Miss Devon and dancing through her and setting her up to have her three minutes in the sun…and then I will resolve and move on because anything else is- like harboring anger is cruel and evil and WEAK….WEAK people can’t forgive because they aren’t sure they can hold onto themselves after they do.

But the truth is…it isn’t about holding on at all…it is about letting go so the WEAK are correct..you won’t be holding on to yourself…. you will be letting yourself go

Kitchen

Hello…..FLOW ACTING

I sat in the room and waited for the feedback…at the last read through..I did my monologue that the talented Juan Cejas wrote for me…and I was just….imbued with the feeling that I had hit upon something…a type of approach to my work that I loved and was going to be easy or easier for me to navigate out of.

I waited and the director said…what you did..the other night…”I was like…ok I am done…you’re good to go…so yeah the whole thing keep it.”

Ha…keep it?..what the fuck did I do?…I stood up and began again and then I realized that hands off the handlebar feeling I get when riding my bike or rollerblading on one leg..that trust is there..I finally have trust built NOT FROM my kudos that I kept searching for but from my internal self….I was able to let go becasue I got this…

I have since been working through the show and creating the movements softly and kindly and it is amazing…
I couldn’t see the force before becasue I was the force but let go of anger and the need to control and acting from a flow state is possible..not a happinstance but an totally possible reality I can replicate…

I am currently off regular coffeee so I don’t get panicked.

I am letting go of promoting my class and keeping the rehearsal room for me but plan to move it to MTC.

I am not teaching groups and if anyone wants to work with me it is 125 an hour…and 150 for couples but honestly barfff…

I am fine…don’t need to worry about everyone else…just need to get my makeup and my outfits for my headshots…build up my Acting website and move along.

I see the play having somethign to do with NOTHING..being fluid and free and in the now and very very interactive…I plan to speak to Juan about it.

Kitchen

I booked another…..funny role

I am finding my nitch lately….lesbians and funny girls and a career.

This month I filmed a short as a Lesbian lover and then A nurse a healer and now I am in rehearsal for another repressed expressed lesbian and then I am about to play a male role in Romeo and Juliet. I am super excited about it all. Oh, and i just got another film role in a Latin movie…maybe I am the token American in the Latin world…OY VEY no Mi DEgas…

I am getting my headshots done by my actor freind who can see me in all my glory and I realized that the one I had originally and for a long time wanted dosen’t actually see the part of me I want to show. She see’s her version of me and that is a very vindictive person.

I think it is all her mother but in the end it doesn’t matter..People cast us and we perform…

I am not responsible for healing people.

I am done being that becasue I am healed now..I am free…I am letting go of my class …writing the book and moving on…so excited about it…

XOXOXO